Listen up, you who have wandered from the straight and narrow of the internet: follow me and I will show you the hell that awaits those who misuse the great social networks. Heed my warnings, for the fate of these wretches will be your own if you do not cease your wicked ways. (Note: you won’t find any cyber bullies or their ilk here. They get sent on to real hell. No one wants those jerks around.)

Down we go on the tour…

Level 1 – Clickbait Victims

Observe the woeful denizens of the first level of Internet Hell. In life, these people were lured by the siren call of clickbait. They were wont to share articles and videos possessed of hyperbolic headlines but a body that could never live up to the promise. When they died, well, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT… They will spend the rest of eternity being tortured by those little demons you see with the wings and the hats. Watch how the demons swagger over and promise them that they have big news and then dash their excitement with quotidian details. Then they punch them around for a while.

Mouse on fire, burning flame

Level 2 – Overly Emotional Posters

Worse still is the lot of the overly emotional posters in the next level of Hell. We’ve all had rough days and needed to vent but these people took advantage of the internet’s collective attention by frequently posting miserable song lyrics or tweeting angrily about the unfairness of life and love. Here in Hell they are doomed to forever go through painful break-ups with demons masquerading as their lovers.

Level 3 – Trolls

Further into Hell can be found the trolls. These cynical, wicked people are guilty of deliberate misinterpretations of facts and spreading misinformation for the base purpose of evoking angry and outraged responses in readers. They spent their lives propagating rage among their fellows, sowing the seeds of hate instead of accord. Here in the blackness of Hell it is their doom to forever eaten, excreted, cleaned off and then re-eaten by the trolls from the "The Hobbit". Not the ones in the new movie, the ones in that old cartoon. Did you ever see it? It was great.

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Level 4 – Troll Victims

The level below the trolls is the final abode of their victims. Falling for the occasion troll is trivial, when it becomes common the problem is great indeed. As they say in Texas, the point is you don’t get fooled again. These saps weaken and disrupt mankind with their unadulterated credulity. If the fools would simply stop feeding the trolls, the trolls would wither. Those who believe the obvious troll posts are responsible for spreading the vast quantities of disinformation the trolls produce and in so doing are holding back the development of civilization. Here in Hell it is also their fate to be eaten by those trolls from the cartoon of The Hobbit, but since they are a level lower down, the trolls are less friendly about it.

Level 5 – Myth Spreaders

It is a great sin indeed to fail to fact-check one’s sources. In the fifth level of Hell dwell those who opined and pontificated on subjects, never having actually looked to see if the information they read on thetruthaboutstuff.info was reputable. They simply passed it along and exposed countless innocents to heavily spun and factually incorrect news. In Hell, they are forced to listen to the angry speeches of people with whom they strenuously disagree for all time. Eventually they are reduced to lumps that lie on the ground slathering in rage. Behold them now!

Level 6 – Sloppy Typers

Deeper still into Hell we find the sloppy typers; unrepentant mongrels who mashed their keys and hit "submit" without a second glance. Throughout their lives they left behind a trail of misspelled words; they thought nothing of capitalizing half of a misspelled sentence and then punctuating it with back-slashes. They are rewarded for their carelessness by spending eternity being chased by mobs of demons who beat them with the keyboards they so abused.

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Level 7 – Profile Stalkers

A level below them, the profile stalkers suffer anonymously. Rather than following an individual and acknowledging a mild interest in the lives of people they knew, they simply lurked around their acquaintances. They chose to hide themselves in life and so in death their faces have been removed. They roam this endless plain, beset by bored demons from other levels, unable to communicate with any of their co-damned.

Level 8 – Hashtaggers

We have now arrived at the second lowest level of Internet Hell. Here the hashtaggers suffer a miserable existence breathing the smoke along the lake of fire, unable to shout and scream. Instead they are condemned to speak only in hastags. See now, as that one there is burned by the splashing lava? All he can say is #thatshot, or # igotburned. Pray you never meet such a fate. The demons are moving in on him now. #ohnodemons #hellsucks

Level 9 – Game Inviters

Finally, we stand in lowest, most brutal level of Hell. To this merciless place are consigned the game inviters. In life they chose to pelt their friends, loved ones, and people they met at parties with invites to play lame social network platform video games. Look on as they suffer their fate, each imprisoned in a small room, forced to forever play—and lose—those very same games. Their mafias will never prosper. The fields and cows of their farms will remain eternally barren and subject to barbarian invasions. Surely, these souls pray for oblivion as they stare blankly into their screens.

You have now glimpsed the miseries Internet Hell has to offer. Learn from the mistakes of the tormented souls you have seen on this tour, or risk paying your next visit not as a guest, but with an account.

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