Yes, I feel important when my phone won’t stop buzzing during PTA meetings, and yes, I was almost thrown out of the school production of Hamilton for consistent peeks at my glowing screen, but TRUST ME, I don’t have time for any of this. And you shouldn’t either.

1. Milliseconds Matter

When someone texts you with a well-formed question, respond with a simple Y or N. You can’t be bothered wasting precious nanoseconds typing a two or three letter word when you have nonstop meetings, double spin, endless social commitments, and the meanest cupcakes at the middle school bake sale. There are only so many milliseconds in a day.

Same goes for TY (Thank You) and YW (Your Welcome). And NP (No Problem), it’s really not MP, it’s YP.

2. A Good Defense is the Best Offense

There should be a minimum of five suggested dates that DON’T work when trying to figure out a plan for a get-together. This is only a suggested amount—it may be seven or ten for you; every very busy person is different.

Throwaways such as “Things are cray!” and “It’s such a busy time of year!” don’t mean anything if you don’t have the unavailability to back it up. If this goes on too long, you must always be the one to say “Let’s try again in the fall, or after break” as this “trying to make plans thing” is taking way too much time away from your busy life of plans and plan-making.

3. Be the MVP

If you're attempting to make a plan with a larger group, ignore all suggested dates until the group comes to a consensus on an agreeable date, and then apply step 2 outlined above.

4. Thank You for Saying “Thank You” is a Colossal Waste of Time

When someone comments on your recent Insta post of your Zachy in his new winter puffer looking “SOOOOOO cute!” do NOT “like” it back before said commenter has had time to fully depress the send button. Make sure you have taken at least four or five full breaths before return-liking someone’s like of your post. You have other adorable memories to create.

5. Head-Scratchers

If there is the slightest disconnect in your mind about an incoming text, do NOT stress. It’s not your problem—YOU are busy, and they lack good communication skills. A simple “?” will indicate that you have no effing clue what they mean, and that a better explanation is necessary—one which will require them to apologize, make clear what they meant, and clarify what they really mean.

This could take them minutes. They now have endless busywork for your benefit, but damn, you are just BUSY. A simple response of “Ah” should suffice.

6. #alltheworldsahashtag

Do not use punctuation or correct capitalization. That’s for people with WAY too much time on their hands. Like the person on the receiving end of your text, who has AMPLE time to figure out where your sentences end and new ones begin, and to decipher the various different interpretations of them. Why do you even associate with such losers?

7. It’s Okay, But It’s Not Okay…

Always use “kk” instead of “ok” when responding in the affirmative. It took me .03 seconds to type the former, and about .035 seconds to type the latter—and you do NOT want to be seen with that kind of time on your hands. That can only lead to more requests for PTA involvement or neighborhood watch duty—and it takes about an actual half second to type “NFW.” Got that kind of time?

8. Get in Touch With Your Emojis

A thumbs up is a surefire way to let someone know you have absolutely nothing further to add to the conversation. Ditto for fist pumps, flexed triceps, and praying hands.

Would you really want to plan a sleepover with the mom who keeps the logistical banter going long after you’ve sent a big bright red XO?

9. Not All Emojis were Created Equal

Random emojis like the panda paws or the merman should never be used, unless you are a kid under the age of 9 borrowing mommy’s phone. You can’t possibly be getting your children into college if you have time to find the emoji of the sweet potato.

10. Bitmojis are for Bores

They are cute, for sure, but someone who communicates solely in bitmoji is neither busy nor all that bright. Nothing says you just binged-watched four seasons of The Bachelor like communicating entirely in cartoon. Once in a blue moon is reasonable, but attempting to pass yourself off as Dora-level-adorable full-time just makes you look self-indulgent and indolent. Think twice!

There you have it. Life’s a competition, and if you wanna text ahead, you have to spend a lot of time making it look like you have no time.


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