First they came for the handicap spaces and I did not speak. Then they came for the compact car spaces and I did not speak. Then they came for the entire parking lot and I had nowhere left to park.

Hear this: I drive a compact car, and my car does not fit into a compact car parking space.

The Parking Problem

There are a lot of people in this world, and there’s just not enough resources to accommodate them. The three resources I’m talking about are food, water and parking spaces. Very few have become the master of this holy triumvirate of resources. The way Harry Potter joined those three wizard things together at the end of one of the movies is the way I assume you feel if you master food, water and parking. I will eat and I will drink tonight, but I will not have anywhere to park my car. Some will go hungry tonight, but I assure you their parking situation is squared away. I’m fine with this truth. It has made me a stronger person.

I’m fully on team ding, bump, mark cars as much as you want. Let that door swing baby.

To know that on my very best day of life I will have to parallel park with cars whipping forty miles per hour 3 inches from me as I blindly reverse into a spot pretending to know when to cut the wheel. It means I know I can never be fully satisfied. I can never let my guard down.

One second you’re on a wonderful date with someone new, someone amazing. You’re lost in their eyes and the conversation, I’ve never talked this well. Then the next second you’re back in the car.

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Hoping to continue the evening back at your place, circling the block, seeing nothing, knowing there’s nowhere else to look. You take him or her home and drive back to re-circle that very same block. Right hand turns as your life slowly draws nearer to the end.

This is a world that I know. Not everybody gets a trophy in this world.

The Fix

When I say my car will not fit into a compact car space I mean the space does not allow me to complete the entire transaction of the park. Sure, I can pull in. I may have to back up and straighten it out, but when all is said and done I can get my car into the space and shut the engine off. That is only half the park.

The immediate eye test says if I open this door I’ll step into the passenger seat of the car next to me. Not ideal, but let’s give it a go. You creak that door open so gently until it’s within centimeters of the door to your left. Because god forbid you make contact. If any heroic citizen sees that in the parking lot, they treat it as if they just witnessed a murder.

I’m fully on team ding, bump, mark cars as much as you want. Let that door swing baby. That’s how cars should be manufactured. I’ll take the Ford Focus but can you scratch the doors to the point of no return, thank you.

Once you have the door open as far as it will go, the one foot shimmy begins. Left foot out and making contact with the ground. Now the pivot and rotate. Those with prior ACL injuries look out.

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In most situations this left-footed shimmy will get us out and on our way. But with the decreased size of the compact car space it is becoming more and more common to be parked and unable able to exit your vehicle. I’d die in that car before I backed it out and looked for another spot.

Do not be deceived fellow drivers. For the lies that have created the compact car space are the very same lies that have taken our parking lots away from us.

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