The meeting was called to order by Mr. Spielberg at 11:30 am (that’s only 8:58 am wholesale!).
Mr. Spielberg: Thank you all for coming on short notice. Regrettably, Mel Gibson will be unable to attend. Firstly, on today’s agenda, could it hurt to have a little more gelt jingling around in our kugel? Any thoughts?
Ms. Streisand: How about printing another Golda Mier swimsuit calendar?
Mr. Weinstein: Hubba-hubba!
Mr. Spielberg: Great, we’ll stick with that…for the 45th consecutive year. You’d of thought we would have run out of topless pictures of her by now. Topic two, I was speaking with our sister fund raising group, Hamas…
All (together): Hebrews and Muslims Amassing Shekels!
Mr. Spielberg: …and they are concerned with Benjamin Netanyahu’s sabra-rattling concerning Iran.
Mr. Eisner: Bibi sure has had a vontz up his tuchus ever since Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ran the country. How can you be afraid of country run by a guy who slouched around in a clown-sized hand-me-down Bar Mitzvah suit and seemed unable to grasp the complexities of a Windsor knot.
Mr. Spielberg: It was suggested that we could temper some of Israel’s outrage by taking some beloved classic films and remaking them as more approachable and Hebrew-centric.
Ms. Streisand: Make movies more Jewish?!? Is that even possible? Have you ever seen "Yentl"? "The Jazz Singer"? "Goyz n the Hood"?
Mr. Spielberg: It’ll take some doing, that’s for sure. Let’s take a look at war pictures for starters.
Ms. Streisand: C’mon, Steven. You already had your bite at the shnecken. Your unending World War II epic had the entire Normandy invasion put on hold so one hunky, blonde gentile could be rescued. It should have been called "Saving Private Aryan."
Mr. Eisner: But that boychik Matt Damon is so dreamy!
(Mr. Spielberg, Mr. Eisner and Mr. Weinstein swoon)
Ms. Streisand: Keep your eyes on the prize, gents. I propose "Torah! Torah! Torah!" starring Gilbert Gottfried as Admiral Yamamoto and Jeff Goldblum as Eleanor Roosevelt.
Mr. Weinstein: I could greenlight "Rabbi Roberts," a feature about life at sea in the Merchant Marine. I’ve heard that it’s a special navy exclusively for Jewish sailors.
Mr. Spielberg: People, if this thing is going to work, we will need blockbusters, and I know blockbusters. I’ll reshoot my first big hit about a heartless shark with a long, pointy nose that greedily devours everything he comes in contact with, and it’ll be called…wait for it…"Jews"!
Ms. Eisner: Uh, Steve, doesn’t that sound like it may be a little too prejudicial.
Mr. Spielberg: Thanks, Mike. I see what you’re getting at. So would a documentary about leathery, prehistoric fossils living in a gated community in Boca called "Jewrassic Park" be off the table too?
Mr. Weinstein: Let’s start with something simple. A rm-cm called "Sleepless in Shtetl."
Ms. Streisand: Or another shiksa-flicksa, "You’ve Got Moil," a comedy with a cutting edge.
Mr. Weinstein: We could redo the first rock musical, but with an Old Testament perspective:
"Jesus Christ Average Guy."
Mr. Eisner: I recently optioned a script for a Hanukkah thriller called "The Hand that Rocks the Dradle."
Mr. Spielberg: Great idea, I’m seeing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" meets "Schindler’s List."
Ms. Streisand: Animation is the best way to reach kids. "You’re a Good Mensch, Charlie Brown" would delight the little pishers.
Mr. Eisner: Sci-fi for the nerds. I’ll have my nebbish work up a treatment for "Star Trek: The Wrath of Cohn."
Mr. Spielberg: Don’t forget Jewish mothers. The gruesome bloodletting of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" will surely be forgiven in "My Son, He’s a Doctor."
Mr. Weinstein: Maybe a revisionist Western set in Crown Heights, Brooklyn called "The Outlaw Jewsey Wales."
Ms. Streisand: Don’t forget Robert Downey, Jr. as that sharp Victorian detective who is only called on to investigate crimes that smell fishy—in the "Sherlox" franchise…
Mr. Eisner: Is there a chance we could reexamine the ultimate portrayal of our people, "Fiddler on the Roof"?
Mr. Spielberg: Never heard of it.
(Looks of confusion from the other board members)
Ms. Streisand: What about sports pictures portraying famous Jewish athletes?
(Extended, embarrassed silence)
Mr. Spielberg: Anyway, great work everyone…even though we all know…this meeting NEVER HAPPENED.
(Gluten free matzo and Kosher Long Gisland Ice Teas shared in holy affirmation)
Mr. Spielberg: So, until next time, Slalom.
Mr. Weinstein: Steven, I’ve told you a thousand times, that’s not how we say goodbye . Your Yiddish is horrible!
Mr. Spielberg: Sorry, Harvey. A little-known fact about me is that I’m Presbyterian. I only pretended to convert in the 70’s so I could date "Rhoda."
Ms. Streisand: You mean the actress Valerie Harper? She’s not Jewish!
Mr. Spielberg: Oy vey—my bad. Anyway, let me give the ancient and holy farewell another shot: Giant Slalom!