By contributing writer Alan Gates

I used to love movies. I was one of those folks who would know release schedules for months in advance, and have to go and see every new movie each weekend. I used to buy a shitload of DVD’s as well. In the last few years this has changed quite a bit, mainly because movies haven’t been as good for the last while. Sure, there is the odd gem that slips through here and there, but overall I find the selection to be pretty mediocre. Most of this can be attributed to the fact that movies don’t seem to have original storylines these days. Everything is just cookie-cutter Hollywood nonsense. To prove my point, I have predicted a number of movies that you can expect to see in theaters over the coming months.

Movie One

A comedy starring one of the following actors:

Ben Stiller
Owen Wilson
Luke Wilson
Will Ferrell
Vince Vaughn
Jack Black

There is also a secondary character in the movie coming off of the same list.

These two characters are supported by a band of bumbling misfits (normally composed of a nerd, a fat guy, and an over the top stereotype such as a blonde white guy who speaks like a black guy) and together, they are all trying to turn the fortune of a normally bad sports team / save a fledgling business owned by our star / goof off at work / get laid in some inappropriate setting (say a church). At some point, or hero will probably try to win the affections of an attractive, but not obscenely hot female.

Also, at least one of the actors above who does not end up being the star or co-star of this movie will make a cameo. Bet money on seeing at least two of them show up.

The soundtrack should include Green Day, Hoobastank, and if they come out with something new, Smash Mouth (let’s hope that doesn’t happen).

Movie Two

Starsky and Hutch
In Theaters Spring 2006!


“Starsky and… wait… wait a DAMN SECOND. Owen, didn’t we already… ah, fuck it. Roll tape.”

A subtly handsome man working in some sort of cut-throat but personally unfulfilling career, finds out that someone in the town that he left behind years ago died / has cancer / is getting married. As a result, he travels back home to see a family he hasn’t seen in quite a while. While in said town, he reconnects with old friends. It helps if these friends are stoners / unsuccessful professionals / alcoholics / have fucked up families / depressed.

It is also mandatory that he meets a quirky girl, but the development of their relationship must be subtle and culminate with the final kiss at the very end of the film, which leaves audiences satisfied. Of course, this absolves the story writer of delving further into this newly formed relationship, which may be doomed to fail in the next few days. And you don’t get any sense for how this person who lived a very different life before the movie began will be able to change to something completely different, or if he will force his lady to change to his lifestyle, thus allowing the audience to watch the potential conflicts or plot twists that can come about as a result. However, the audience doesn’t care because now the credits are rolling to the sounds of Coldplay / The Postal Service / Ben Folds / Peter Gabriel’s ‘Solsbury Hill’, and everyone is leaving the movie happy, especially the guys since the women they brought to the movie on a date are now much more likely to let them get into their pants.

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Movie Three

Sort of like Movie Two, but actually does delve into the future of our happy couple. The first 15 minutes of the film are devoted to a much smaller, cookie-cutter version of all the shit in Movie Two, ending with a marriage and the decision for the new bride to move back to the big city with her hubby. Our female hero is supposed to be quite homely (though she is usually played by Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock), but is also cute and very used to a quiet small-town life. Now she has to convert to the big city lifestyle, and of course this transition is comedic.

To mix things up, the plot can take place in one of the following scenarios:

– Common waitress meets billionaire
– Normal student meets handsome prince
– Young student falls in love with respected professor

It is also quite normal for there to be some sort of conflict with the man’s family not wanting to accept a commoner into their family. Of course, just like real life, it all sorts itself out in the end.

And yes, it always has to be the woman who meets the successful man, because Hollywood knows that will not be nearly as lucrative to reverse the roles, unless the male lead is John Cusack. In that case, Cusack just needs to act complicated and quirky but with a kind heart, and people will eat that shit up.

This movie can also be about teenagers, starring Hillary Duff or Julia Stiles.

Movie Four

Another teenage version of the love story. Usually involves a jock who falls for a girl, who you can tell is a nerd because she paints / plays in band / gets good grades / volunteers as a nurse / gets along with her parents / listens to ‘alternative’ music like The Eels or Supergrass. At some point, a relationship blossoms until the girl discovers that there was a sinister plot that initiated the relationship, even though the male lead now really has feelings for the girl. The last 20 minutes of the movie involve things sorting themselves out, usually at prom.

This movie must contain one or more of the following components:

– Geeky friend who can’t get a date who ends up connecting with a nerdy girl.
– Some scene involving a party with people dancing in a living room (as if that ever happens).
– A guy getting tricked and ending up in a public place naked.
– Girls in their underwear.
– A coordinated dance sequence involving the entire cast.

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I think the soundtrack to this one is a little obvious. Check your current Top 40 list.

Movie Five

Mankind is threatened by disease / comet / machine that turns on humans / aliens / giant scary animals. Only Will Smith can save us. Soundtrack by Will Smith.

Movie Six

Same as Movie Five, except it’s a comedy. Released the day Movie Five leaves theaters.

Movie Seven

The plotline of this movie is unimportant, as long as it includes Tim Robbins or Christopher Walken playing a quirky character such as a crazy drifter /
neighbor / stranger in a bar / soccer dad gone mad / guy in a loony bin / random intense guy
.

Movie Eight

Adam Sandler either stars in or produces some shitty movie that only makes money because he was in Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. The film starts today’s B-Team of comedy, all hoping that they can crack the elite list who are starring in Movie One.

Movie Nine

Basically any kind of horror film. Girls get naked, kids get drunk, they all die for some reason. Critics hate it but horror movie fans don’t give a shit and go anyway. Rob Zombie makes more money by producing the film and providing the soundtrack. Has there been an original horror film idea since Gremlins???

Movie Ten

Some sort of sci-fi picture, involving a fictional, but conceivably real setting in the future / space / an alternate universe. Something about this place is secretly corrupt, and usually involves machines conquering mankind. Bonus points if the movie is able to mix elements of witchcraft or the occult into the plot. Keanu Reeves is a good candidate to star in this one. Goths love this stuff.

Movie Eleven

One or more of the following people act stupid for 90 minutes:

Ashton Kutcher
Johnny Knoxville
Tom Green
Sean William Scott
Jason Biggs
(remember that I said stupid, because it is impossible for this guy to be funny)

Bonus points if the movie includes scenes where actresses like Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Simpson, or Tara Reid (pre-meltdown) show a lot of skin.

Movie Twelve

Finally, the Academy Award movie, which needs to include one or more of the following attributes:

-The film needs to be starring Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman, Nicholas Cage, Nicole Kidman, or Hillary Swank (but only if she is playing a role where she acts masculine).
– Someone who isn’t retarded playing the role of a retard.
– A plot based on a true story that no one cares about, unless it was the Holocaust.
– Racial tension.
– A love story taking place in a European country.
– A love story taking place on a sinking boat, with a really shitty script and poor acting. It ends up winning awards because of the cool special effects, even though they aren’t nearly as groundbreaking as the ones used when the same producer made Terminator 2. That movie kicked ass.

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