When I kissed a girl for the first time it seemed like the most magically passionate moment anyone could possibly experience. Looking back on it, though, I realize that dancing around a school disco in an emptied gymnasium while Boyz II Men played in the background isn't exactly the pinnacle of romance.
Yes, hindsight can be a cruel mistress at times, and unfortunately, this phenomenon extends beyond slow-dancing with a boner, and into the world of movies. Films that seemed great when we were kids, chowing down Fruit Loops or trying to masturbate in privacy, can seem less than stellar when watched through cruel adult eyes. To illustrate this point, I decided recently to re-watch a random collection of much-loved movies from my childhood and teenage years, and compare my current opinions to my thoughts upon original viewing.
Now that I have finished watching my childhood being repeatedly jizzed on by the modern world, here are the results.
Batman
Child: Batman is awesome, even if he doesn't have Robin helping him like on TV.
Adult: Michael Keaton plays Bruce Wayne as if he's Ross from Friends. I also find it hard to ignore that Batman is hooking up with Eminem's mom from 8 Mile.
Milo and Otis
Child: An amazing story of friendship and survival.
Adult: I am confident that at least 48 small and adorable animals must have died while making this film.
The Wizard of Oz
Child: Midgets + flying monkeys + cyborg woodsman with an axe = epic win.
Adult: A cinematic classic, even if after reading Alan Moore's Lost Girls I find I can't watch it without picturing Dorothy getting bummed by the Tinman while jerking off a horse.
The Dark Crystal
Child: A fantastic fantasy film as exciting as it is scary.
Adult: I can clearly see the puppet's strings, yet this movie still scares the crap out of me. I'm positive that the Skeksis are somehow responsible for plotting Jim Henson's death.
Superman 4
Child: Yay, another Superman movie!
Adult: Superman's primary villain is an orange-skinned man in a black leotard, whose main form of attack is scratching. On the upside, at least Supes doesn't have a kid.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Child: Archaeology kicks ass.
Adult: A fun movie, but signs of the crapulence to come in Indy 4 do raise their heads from time to time. Whilst it is not up there with nuking the fridge, taking down Nazi fighter planes with an umbrella and a flock of seagulls isn't exactly cinematic gold either.
Labyrinth
Child: A great film, but goblins scare the hell out of me.
Adult: A great film, but David Bowie's codpiece scares the hell out of me.
Batman Returns
Child: Penguin is creepy. Catwoman is sexy. Batman is back!
Adult: It is ironic that the film is called Batman Returns when Batman appears in it for about three minutes and fifteen seconds. I will admit to rubbing one out over Michelle Pfeiffer, though.
Home Alone
Child: Being left at home by myself would be the best thing ever.
Adult: In fairness, I probably would have left McCauley Culkin behind, too (then given Michael Jackson his address and a six-pack of Hard Lemonade).
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Child: One of my favorite cartoons is now a live-action movie! Cowabunga!
Adult: Fuck you, Vanilla Ice.
Ghostbusters
Child: Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
Adult: The effects may have dated, as has Sigourney Weaver's perm, but Ghostbusters remains a brilliant film. I currently await Dan Ackroyd making a third film in the franchise without Bill Murray, and sodomizing my precious memories in the process.
E.T.
Child: "Penis Breath" is the best insult of all time.
Adult: A great family film with some real heart-warming moments. Just don't talk to me about the Atari game (worst. Birthday present. Ever).
Watership Down
Child: Look at all the cute fluffy AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Adult: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Willow
Child: I love midgets.
Adult: If Ron Howard made another Willow film then the world might be spared another crappy Dan Brown adaption. Two birds with one stone, really.
Batman Forever
Child: Batman and Jim Carrey in the same movie; what could possibly go wrong?
Adult: Quite a lot, actually.
Jurassic Park
Child: Dinosaurs go crazy and kill a bunch of people, including one who is sitting on a toilet. This movie needs a sequel.
Adult: May have been very wrong with my calls for a sequel. Making Newman one of your main characters in an action movie was probably something of a misstep, too (seriously, did anyone else get a Nedry action-figure for Christmas that year?).
Jumanji
Child: Best board game ever.
Adult: You know you've done something wrong when you make a Robin Williams movie and he isn't the hairiest character in it.
The Nutty Professor
Child: Eddie Murphy plays a bunch of fat people and farts a lot. Comedy gold.
Adult: I miss Dave Chappelle. For that matter, what the hell happened to Eddie Murphy? I personally blame the Spice Girls.
Independence Day
Child: Aliens come to Earth and Will Smith totally kicks their pesky asses.
Adult: Actually, Jeff Goldblum kicks their pesky asses. With a Mac. That's somehow compatible with their alien spaceships. Steve Jobs really was ahead of the game.
Street Fighter
Child: My favorite video game becomes a feature film, with all the best characters being represented. You're going down, Bison!
Adult: Quick, change ze channel!
Demolition Man
Child: Stallone versus Snipes in a futuristic battle royale. Bring it on.
Adult: Whenever I watch this film I imagine a Hollywood producer flicking through a copy of Brave New World. "Hey, this book has some cool ideas, but you know what would make the story really good…"
Mortal Kombat
Child: Wow, this is even better than Street Fighter.
Adult: Turns out a lot of things are better than Street Fighter (e.g. terminal syphilis).
Armageddon
Child: If an asteroid does ever head for Earth then I hope a group of badasses like Bruce Willis and his gang can be found in time.
Adult: In this film Ben Affleck puts an animal cracker down Steve Tyler's daughter's underwear. After that, it is hard to really care about anything anymore.
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Child: Star Wars is back! And it's…well it's, um…
Adult: Dear God no.
The Sixth Sense
Child: Oh my God, Bruce Willis is a ghost!
Adult: Oh my God, this was directed by the guy who made The Last Airbender!
The Matrix
Child: A stunningly original film that makes one question his own reality.
Adult: A film ripped off from Japanese anime and underground comic books that makes me question how the douches fucked it up so hard in the sequels.
Batman and Robin
Child: Wow, another Batman film. This time with Arnie in it. I guess this should be pretty sweet….
Adult: *Brain explodes*