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It seems to me that a disturbing number of the men (hahah... “men”)
in my life, from the nerdy virgin friends to the Facebook stalkers
that masturbate to pictures of me hugging my12-year-old brother, are
convinced to a fault (...many, many faults) that they are
the masters of seduction. Ladies, you know what I am talking
about. With popped collars and obnoxious rims that spin
COUNTER-clockwise, these boys would have the audacity to claim the
crown of Casanova if they had the chance. But the question is... how
close ARE they?
Tell me, gentlemen, do you really think you know what it takes to
be Casanova, the man who had the original Sexy before you had to
bring it back via Timberlake? Are you truly savvy with the female
population? And most importantly... do you know what the secret to
seduction is?
Well I took the liberty of finding out what you
think you know when asked the question; find an answer that best
reflects your personal view on the issue and read a WOMAN’S
commentary on it,
along with her humble judgment.
What is the key to getting women?
A. Sex appeal
B. Money
C. A large one that fits
her lock (And size of the key does matter. Ain't no dinky little key gonna open
Heidi Klum's padlock.)
D. The penis is key
E. Kindness and sincerity
F.
Persistence
G. UNNNNHHHHHHHHHH
H. Cookies
I. “How should I know”/
“You tell me”
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Oops, turns out SHE wanted a night in shining armor. Classic
miscommunication. |
If You Chose...
A.
Sex appeal
Well, straightforward and true to some extent. But the problem is, most
heathens today do NOT have that inherent ability to just exude the aura of Don
Juan on a whim. In fact, most of them do not have the inherent ability to exude
anything but a lethal case of body odor. Ladies, how many times have you covered
your eyes in shame as someone walked by in green-plaid pants, or jeans so big
they could cover the hole in the ozone layer, or hair that could be evidence for
a horrific fight with a weedwacker, or serenading abilities that sound like
someone is “scraping a cheese grater against 20 feet of blackboard”? The
verdict? You're right. But that shirt is oh-so-wrong.
Casanova scale (out of a perfect 10): 6
B.
Money
“...now I ain't sayin’
she a gold digger, but she ain’t hangin' with no broke nigga...”
Casanova Score: 3
C. A large one that fits
her lock
I have a number of deep, contemplative responses to this one. 1. Ladies,
don't you hate those master keys that can open an entire set of locks, one after
the other? 2. I've seen a guy struggle to open too many doors/cabinets/locks to
believe that you men can properly handle your keys. 3. It disturbs me how much
you jiggle your keys around in your pockets. 4. “No, turn it the other way...
the other way, now jiggle it to the left, no that’s not right, now push, come
on, argh forget it— I'll open it myself!"
Casanova Score: 5
D. The penis is key
After hearing the previous answer, I've got no innuendos left for that one.
There are none to be made, anyway.
Casanova Score: 3
E. Kindness and sincerity
Are you gay? I mean... technically you're right, but... do you know all the
lyrics to Grease? Not too many straight guys understand that being an
asshole/arrogant bastard/prick is a bad thing and very unappealing. It's almost
depressing to see how many men depend on their own bastardly personalities to
give them a sense of confidence. Good job for being an anomaly. You MUST be gay.
Casanova Score: 7
F. Persistence
His philosophy is based around the idea that a man can get what he wants as
long as he has the drive and tries hard enough. Admirable for the American
dream, but not for your padlock. Ladies, meet the typical stalker. This is the
guy who refuses to understand that you have already blocked him on AIM, and so
persistently IMs you with his 34958795476 different screennames. This is the guy
who leaves you messages on your phone four times a day. The guy who thinks your
boyfriend is just there as an ornament of testosterone to be toted along with
your purse. Memo to the man: STOP. GET A DOG.
Casanova Score: 2
G. UNNNNHHHHHHHHHH
....
Casanova Score: -2, for having an IQ that hovers
dangerously close to room temperature. Darwin should have done away with you
ages ago.
H. Cookies
Oh he's good.
Casanova Score: 8
I. “How should I know”/
“You tell me”
This is a guy who knows where he stands on the scale of understanding women
(he actually doesn't stand near the scale.... he just observes from a distance
with an extremelyconfused expression on his face). “You tell me” could be the
greatest response ever. Damn straight, I am going to be the one telling you.
Casanova Score: 9
(Well come on, nobody could flatter like Casanova.)
P.S. These answers were not fabricated, and if you truly
did relate to one or more answers, pat yourself on the back. You
have just aligned yourself with Casanova-wannabe's like my
dysfunctional single friends, and the rest of the
happy-go-lucky-charms gang in my life. Whoo!
In other words..... multiply your score by negative 1,000,000.
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