When I finally managed to turn on the TV after several infuriating seconds of struggling to aim the remote in just the right spot, the channel was fortuitously tuned to the Bravo network. I think my wife or mistress watched something on Bravo, so hopefully that explains everything and there won’t be any follow-up questions regarding Bravo or my mistress.

Bravo was airing a reunion of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not to be confused with The Real Housewives of Orange County. Definitely not the same show. You see, whereas The Real Housewives of Orange Country are as vain as the Beverly Hills housewives, and like them live in a very wealthy part of the Los Angeles Metropolitan area, Orange County is NOT in Los Angeles County. Beverly Hills is.

Being offended by jokes that make white people uncomfortable is predominately the purview of feckless whites. Why didn’t I immediately change the channel, you’re no doubt wondering? Because it’s none of your goddamn business, that’s why.

Anyway, the reason that this matters to me but probably not to you is because the host of the reunion show asked one of the housewives—the real housewives—a bosomy, well made-up dame about something she said that was deemed by some as "racist."

What vile racist sentiment did the long-legged vixen express?

She joked that black people cannot swim.

That was enough to set off a frenzy on Twitter accusing her of being the worst racist since the last time a specious celebrity was speciously accused of racism. The diva tried to diffuse the contrived controversy by apologizing profusely and assuring the host and the audience that she was not a racist, and that her black friends joke about her not having rhythm. You know, because white people don’t have rhythm, cannot dance, cannot jump, and so forth.

What she didn’t realize is that a white person joking about black people not being able to swim is racist, whereas a black person joking about black people not being able to swim or white people not having rhythm is merely making trite observations.

RELATED:  The Rise of the Coffee Machines

How is joking about black people not being able to swim offensive? Or more precisely, because precision is better than imprecision or a hotdog from 7-11, who is offended by this?

I have a theory. Which is why I’m writing this. If I didn’t have a definitive answer, an unambiguous explanation for why things are the way I say they are, I’d have no business being on the internet. A highly discriminating outlet, the internet only publishes writers who are one hundred percent certain that they’re right and everyone else is wrong or a racist.

Don't Be a Menace to Society movie poster
Black people tested, white people (dis)approved.
So without further pointless stalling, here’s my theory: It’s not primarily black people who are offended by lame race jokes. I cannot imagine why a black person would be scandalized by a white guy joking about black people not swimming or skiing, but laugh at the same hackneyed observation by a black stand-up comic.

And as a white person, who is more qualified than me to decide what jokes are offensive to black people?

I contend as forcefully as one can contend when pontificating about a trivial incident that may or may not reflect a broader cultural phenomenon that only the white Politically Correct Gestapo is offended by this and other lame, innocent race jokes.

These are generally white people who generally don’t have black friends, and who are generally deathly afraid of offending black people, to the point that they will refuse to criticize a shitty black entertainer out of fear of being branded with the "R" scarlet letter.

You have to be dense or an asshole or a dense asshole to call someone a racist for telling a decidedly non-racist joke.

These are white people who walk on eggshells to use a stupid idiom that needs to be expunged from contemporary vernacular whenever race is mentioned.

RELATED:  You Gotta Have Faith

Sure, they might make an unoriginal and painfully lame joke about a group of white people being "so white! LOL," but they will not dare to utter a joke centered around a stereotype about black people that portrays African Americans as anything less than congenial, brilliant, and really good swimmers and skiers.

However, these same white people would never dare go so far as to say that black people are good at football, or God forbid, basketball. Because that would be racist. Just to be clear: joking about black people not being able to swim is racist. Joking about black people being good at basketball? Also racist.

I admit that there are some black people who also play the played out race game. I won’t give an example here, because that would be racist and also require me to perform a cursory Google search.

But being offended by jokes that make white people uncomfortable is predominately the purview of feckless whites, who live in lily white communities, don’t listen to rap, have never seen Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood to give a totally random example of a "black" movie, and are generally detached from or are unfamiliar with most elements of black culture.

For these reasons, these people need to shut the fuck up and mind their own business. Racism is not some petty charge you throw around with impunity. It’s a serious charge. If true, it’s about the worst thing you can be accused of. If false, it is about the worst form of slander.

Can we agree that there are black people who can swim? No. No, we cannot. The joke says so. So let’s not feign outrage and hit people with the "R" word over stupid jokes told by attractive, bronze-legged women. Save your ire for unattractive men.

Suggested next: