There are lots of ways to celebrate the death of an enemy. Some people like to throw a big party with balloons and a cake, while others savor a more subdued celebration, perhaps sitting in a good leather armchair sipping a glass of cognac while wearing a mirthful smirk and a tartan bathrobe. Though both of these options sound appealing, to me the best way to commemorate an enemy’s demise is to dance on their grave in the most literal way possible: by putting on some really nice shoes and actually going to dance on their grave in real life!

When an enemy dies, it’s completely natural to feel some mixed emotions, ranging from joy to utter elation. But because they are dead there isn’t much of a chance to gloat about it, right to their stupid faces, which can be frustrating. That’s why the only option, really, is to take to your enemy’s grave and dance like a goddamn maniac who just won big at the race track.

It’s up to you what sort of dance you choose to do.

I tend to favor a Gene Kelly-style dance that is very heavy-footed, but anything that isn’t pussy-assed is fine. Gliding, twinkle-toed moves might appear graceful, but they certainly don’t seem very vitriolic. Regardless of the type of dance you do, get some really sturdy-soled shoes and make sure to throw in a good few stomps regardless of whether or not they gel with the routine you’ve chosen. Try twirling too, which has the added benefit of tearing up the earth. This will leave the grave very unkempt-looking, which would mortify me if it was my grave.

You’ll need some good dancing music for the occasion.

I’ve always found ragtime and bossa nova to be both funny and disrespectful types of music. Maybe use one of those?

Or if you know your enemy’s musical tastes, play something that they enjoyed during their lifetime. This will rub in the fact that you’re able to dance when they are now worm-food. A song with a lot of “Woos” and hand-claps works best to express what fun you’re having at your enemy’s expense, I’ve found.

If it is not only an enemy that has died, but an arch-nemesis, then you’ll probably want to step up your game.

With all of my arch-nemeses, I leave a mechanical monkey at their grave to continue dancing and crashing little tin cymbals long after I’ve tired and gone home. The batteries will run out after a while, but that just means you have a reason to come back on subsequent weekends to replace them.

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This is also a good excuse to have a dance reprisal. Try a different routine and see how you like it. Maybe try slowing it down and making it sexy this time by adding some castanets.

While you want to utterly disrespect the corpse of your enemy, it’s really not fair to disturb the family during their grieving process.

Be patient and give it a week or two after the burial before you dance up a storm on the fresh mound. You can always set up a camcorder and send the family a video of your dance once they’ve had time to heal. Remember, respect is a two-way street.

When you hear of an enemy’s death, maybe put the feelers out there and see if anyone else hated them as much as you.

It’d be good to have a troupe of dancers getting down rather than just a solo performer.

If you live in a city that is all uptight and against free expression, they may institute a “no dancing on graves” policy.

Frankly, this is unconstitutional when you think about it. And besides, shouldn’t they be focusing on important things like infrastructure and city maintenance? I’d suggest moving towns honestly. You don’t want to live in a place where you can’t dance on a grave freely as our lord intended.

One time I was dancing on a guy’s grave and he actually showed up.

It turned out it wasn’t him who had died, but his father, who had the same name. He didn’t remember the time he cut in front of me in the supermarket line, but was pretty nice about me dancing on his dad’s grave. This was mostly because he really hated his father and was only visiting the grave to dance upon it himself. We really shared a moment dancing on that grave together. If he wasn’t such a dreadful enemy of mine, we might have made quite good friends.

My mother always told me to dance like no one’s watching.

Normally I wouldn’t put any stock in such platitudes, but she was a pole dancer, so she had first-hand experience trying to pretend no one was watching/ogling her whilst dancing. Hey! Pole dancing on a grave might be something to consider?

If this particular deceased enemy happened to be a friend who committed some sort of act of betrayal which turned you against them, make sure that when you approach the grave you say, “Hello, old friend” to no one.

Then shake your head at the senseless madness of a world that can turn friends against each other over something as trivial as you stealing their intellectual property and passing it off as your own for financial gain. After this moment of earnestness, you may get your groove on.

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If you’ve never been much of a dancer, consider taking some classes in preparation for your enemy’s downfall.

All of us at some point have said “I’ll do it later” with these kinds of things, but there really is no time like now to learn some killer moves to use on the soft earth that a person you absolutely loathed is entombed beneath. Those classes will pay themselves off in no time, eventually.

If you find out that your enemy is to be cremated, I’m sorry, there’s not really a whole lot you can do.

I mean, you could file an injunction or something, but it is a lot harder for a foe to do this rather than a friend or family member. Take it from me, the whole process is kind of a nightmare. But you can probably take solace in the mental image of their lifeless flesh burning up into a heap of worthless dust. Even so, I’m sorry for your loss at obtaining vengeance.

It always surprises me how few people actually take advantage of the rare opportunity to cut some rug on top of an adversary’s final resting place. Why most people eschew this all-too-rare happening is simply beyond me. I just can’t comprehend how anyone wouldn’t want to do it. I mean, you won! Might as well enjoy it, am I right?!

I’ve found that it’s good to be able to have frank, open discussions and air grievances before it’s too late, so make sure you tell your enemies just how much you hate them at every opportunity. You never know when they won’t be around to venomously spew spiteful insults at anymore. When you lose an enemy, you might feel an emptiness inside. Make sure that you fill this void with more enemies.

Whenever I bring up the vast number of enemies that I have, people are usually shocked, which really annoys me. The only plus side is that it tends to make my list of enemies grow. A long list of enemies is a great thing, but it can be hard to maintain a healthy, hateful relationship with all of them. My advice is, sleep a lot less and use the early hours to plot their collective ruin.

My last piece of advice is that, when your dance has concluded and you’re ready to depart, leave the grave of your enemy as you found it: with unparalleled glee.

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