Film is a serious business. So serious, in fact, that we have decided that the only person with the credentials to preview the upcoming films of 2014 is Gotham City’s most serious resident: Batman… and that creepy man-child that still lives with him.

As always, the movie world is set to deliver both highs and lows in 2014 (and possibly even another Adam Sandler flick that’s about as fun as sharing a prison shower with Mr. Freeze), so without further ado let’s hear what our caped crusaders have to say about some of the year’s big releases.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Batman: So… who are these guys, again?

Robin: They’re a famous Marvel comic team, Batman.

Batman: Ah…like with Iron Man and stuff?

Robin: No, these guys have a couple of aliens, a sentient tree, a talking raccoon, and Andy from Parks & Recreation. We met them at the Marvel staff Christmas party, remember?

Batman: You got invited to Marvel’s Christmas party?

Robin: That’s right, boss.

Batman: Really?

Robin: Yep.

Batman: Really?

Robin: Well, I rubbed one out in the Batmobile while reading the Spider-Man Christmas special.

Batman: You’re dead to me.

Robocop

Batman: In 1987 one of the greatest films of all time was created. A couple of decades passed and some cock-juggling thundercunt decided to remake it. This is the result.

Robin: Gee, I don’t know, Batman. This upcoming film has a good supporting cast, with Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman, and Michael Keaton all in it.

Batman: Remember that time you tried to remake the batcave with an empty TV box and a stolen pair of Katie Holmes’ underwear?

Robin: Holy smokes, of course I do. It was last week.

Batman: Well that’s what is happening here—someone is attempting to replicate a piece of genius rather than following their true purpose in life, i.e. cleaning the bathrooms at furry conventions. The original Robocop is perfect. It is funny, violent, a smart satire, and a great story of one man regaining his humanity. At best, the remake will be a pitiful shadow of it, even if it does star Commissioner Gordon and Batman Mark 1 (i.e. the pussy one). You might as well try to redraw the Mona Lisa with Crayolas.

Robin: So…you didn’t like my new batcave?

Batman: If it depressed me any more my next pharmacist would have been named Heath Ledger.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Robin: This movie looks great, Batman. It’s got Electro, the Green Goblin, and the Rhino all in the one movie. It’ll be awesome.

Batman: Remember that time we put the villains in our movie—Bane, Poison Ivy, and Mr. Freeze?

Robin: Holy forgotten shitty sequels, Batman!

Interstellar

Batman: This movie is by Christopher Nolan, director of The Dark Knight trilogy. That means it will be awesome.

Robin: No way, I think you’re wrong, boss. It means it will suck.

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Batman: What? Are those erect nipples on your costume cutting off the circulation to your brain? How could anyone hate The Dark Knight trilogy?

Robin: Three films and what do I get? A couple of seconds of screen time and not even a proper costume. I call bullshit glorified cameo, Batman!

Batman: It wasn’t always easy going for me either, Robin.

Robin: It wasn’t?

Batman: No. I had to make out with Katie Holmes, then Maggie Gyllenhaal, then Talia Al Ghul, and then escape to Florence with Anne Hathaway while she was wearing nothing but skin-tight black leather.

Robin: Wait, that doesn’t sound very hard.

Batman: Oh, trust me Robin…it got hard.

Robin: I’m calling the child protection agency.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Batman: The X-Men from First Class meet the X-Men from the original three films to combine together into a giant orgy of X-Mennnyness.

Robin: Do you think they would ever let me join the X-Men?

Batman: Well, do you have a mutant power?

Robin: I can still fit into a red, green, and yellow pantsless jumpsuit despite being a full-grown man.

Batman: Sorry Robin, that doesn’t make you a mutant.

Robin: Jumping gee-willikers, then what am I?

Batman: A retard.

The Hobbit: There and Back Again

Batman: Everyone’s favorite group of midgets that aren’t Tyrion reach the last stage of their epic adventure.

Robin: Gee-whiz Batman, it sure has been one heck of a story.

Batman: Right you are, Robin.

Robin: What do you think will happen in this film? As sidekick to the world’s greatest detective, I think that Gandalf will kill Sauron, Legolas will get eaten by the dragon, and that Bilbo will lose that weird magic ring and we’ll never ever see it again.

Batman: You are a constant disappointment to me.

Captain America: Winter Soldier

Batman: The most boring guy in The Avengers gets another movie. Any questions?

Robin: Were you and Catwoman having sex on my bed last night?

Batman: Ah…let’s move on…

Transformers 4

Batman: Michael Bay decides to reboot the Transformers franchise…by making Michael Bay the director of the next Transformers film. Just like the previous three. Clearly, I am missing something here.

Robin: Well, the film has a new cast, boss. Shia LeBouf has been replaced by Mark Wahlberg.

Batman: Great. In related news, I replaced the dump I took in your closet with a used condom I found outside the Joker’s place.

Robin: Ah…thanks. As well as a new cast this movie also has some cool new robots, including everyone’s favorites, the dinobots! Heavy metal thunder ahoy!

Batman: Is the Megan Fox robot in this one?

Robin: Apparently she was too busy trying to transform into a washed-up pornstar.

Batman: To the bat-computer!

The Lego Movie

Batman: This is a movie about Lego characters. And I’m in it.

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Robin: Wait, am I in it?

Batman: Do I look like a goddamn Lego builder? Did I pick the symbol of plastic bricks when my parents were murdered so as to strike fear into Gotham’s criminal underworld? How am I supposed to know?

Robin: Well gee-whiz, when my parents died you became my legal guardian. You’re supposed to handle this sort of thing.

Batman: Really? Well you were supposed to warn me before Alfred walked in on me engaging in autoerotic asphyxia with my utility belt.

Robin: Okay, so we’re even.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Batman: Talking apes take over the world, mostly as payback for all the shitty movies that Tim Burton has made.

Robin: Ah, didn’t he make two of your movies?

Batman: I was young and needed the money.

Robin: Well this film stars Gary Oldman (Commissioner Gordon gotta eat!), and has Andy Serkis once again being motion-captured for the role of the lead ape, Caesar.

Batman: Do you think we will get to see anyone in the film spank the monkey?

Robin: I…I don’t think it is that sort of film, Batman.

Batman: And I didn’t think you were the sort of sidekick who would let Alfred walk in on me when…

Robin: I apologized for this already! Jimminy-jilikers, next movie!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Batman: Wait…these guys again?

Robin: I love the turtles, but I could never figure out why they lived in the sewers.

Batman: I can never figure out why I adopted you and not Batgirl.

Robin: Do you know that if you flush an alligator down into the sewers it becomes gigantic?

Batman: Then why aren’t the sewers full of gigantic turds?

Robin: I don’t know—you’re the detective.

Batman: Thank God this is nearly over.

Godzilla

Batman: I can’t wait for this movie. Godzilla is awesome.

Robin: If he is so awesome boss then how come Matthew Broderick kicked his ass last time he was in a film?

Batman: Matthew Broderick is married to Sarah-Jessica Parker; who better to handle giant hideous monsters?

Robin: Good-golly, no wonder you make such a great detective.

Batman: So anyway, this reboot of everyone’s favorite radiation-fuelled lizard is directed by Gareth Edwards, who was responsible for making the intelligent beastie movie Monsters a few years back. It stars Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ken Watanabe (Japan represent), and Brian "let’s get cooking!" Cranston.

Robin: I think I’ll be sad if Godzilla dies again.

Batman: Who cares? He’ll still be doing better than Matthew Broderick.


All articles in the “Batman and Robin” series:

Batman and Robin Discuss 2014’s Biggest Upcoming Films
Batman and Robin Debate Comic Con’s Top 10 Moments
Batman and Robin Discuss the 10 Highest-Grossing Films of the 90’s
Batman & Robin Discuss 11 Female Superheroes Who Need Their Own Film

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