A brand new year is upon us, and with it comes the chance to get stupidly excited about all the new films that will be coming our way. We’ll have superheroes, spies, sequels, dinosaurs, robots, reboots, and probably a shitty Adam Sandler movie or six thrown in to even it all out.

As per usual, a job this important requires the best in the business, so here are Batman and Robin to give us the rundown on twelve of 2015’s biggest films.

1. Terminator Genisys

Terminator Genisys trailer 

Batman: Okay, so what’s a genisys?

Robin: I’m not quite sure, Batman.

Batman: And why are all the scenes in the trailer a smashed up retread of what happened in the first and second Terminator films?

Robin: Well, I don’t really…

Batman: And why is Sarah Connor looking like Khaleesi and hanging out with the terminator? What’s going on? I’m the greatest detective in the goddamn world and I haven’t got a fucking clue!

Robin: Maybe someone travelled back in time and completely altered the course of history?

Batman: Oh, like the time I rented a DeLorean to go back in time eighteen years to have sex with your mom before she got all ugly and murdered.

Robin: What?!

Batman: Ah…nothing son. Next film.

2. James Bond: Spectre

Robin: After winning plaudits in Skyfall, Bond will be back again with action, gadgets, femme fatales, and all the other things that make him cinema’s most beloved spy.

Batman: And this time he’s set to go up against the evil SPECTRE organization, meaning that there is a good chance we’ll see him smack down the owner of a fluffy white cat.

Robin: The cat’s going to be okay though, right?

Batman: Sweet Jeebez Robin, why would someone deliberately hurt a cat?

Robin: But I saw you heading to Catwoman’s place last night holding a whip, a gag, a tazer and a ping-pong paddle…

Batman: That was different!

3. The Martian

Batman: Yeah, I think I know this guy; green skin, tentacles, plans to blow up the Earth one day or something…

Robin: Actually, it’s Matt Damon.

Batman: Wait, what?

Robin: Based on the hit book by Andy Weir, The Martian tells the story of an astronaut who gets stranded on Mars, and must go to drastic lengths in order to survive.

Batman: And because he is being played by Matt Damon, this involves hanging out with Ben Affleck and acting like a puppet that has gone full retard.

Robin: You’ve read the book, then?

Batman: I’m a superhero, Robin; when am I supposed to have time to read?

Robin: Then why did you spend three and a half hours yesterday trying on different-colored novelty Batsuits?

Batman: That sort of research isn’t going to handle itself, y’know.

4. Mad Max: Fury Road

Robin: Premiering at Comic Con 2014, the first trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road blew audiences away with it frenetic and stylized car-based combat. It’s been thirty years since the last Mad Max film, but if it can live up to the hype that trailer has generated then we should all be in for some fun.

Batman: Max is so badass I might even let him drive the Batmobile one day.

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Robin: Will I ever get a turn of it?

Batman: I’ll let you reverse it down the driveway if you promise to never wet your pants in the back seat ever again.

Robin: But you kept me locked in there for five hours while you went to the casino!

Batman: Well, someone had to keep Catwoman company until she regained consciousness, didn’t they?

5. Furious 7

Batman: People drive cars, except they don’t do it as cool as Mad Max or I do. Seriously, who gives a fuck?

Robin: Teenagers?

Batman: I meant real people.

6. Avengers: Age of Ultron

Robin: In 2012 Marvel’s finest got together to kick some serious ass as The Avengers. Now, they’re back again to save the planet, this time from a crazed robotic invention of Tony Stark’s.

Batman: I told that douchebag to clear his browser history first before using his iPad to build a robot.

Robin: I thought you told him to stop drinking before he played Angry Birds on the toilet?

Batman: I’m a fountain of knowledge Robin; do you really expect me to keep track of all the awesome things I say?

7. Jurassic World

Batman: From what I can gather from the trailer this movie is about Chris Pratt (aka Guardian of the Galaxy‘s Star Lord) controlling a group of pet velociraptors. Unless he’s using these raptors to hunt down a couple of jerk-faced kids, this seems like something of a departure from the original Jurassic Park film.

Robin: It has to be better than the last two Jurassic Park films though, right?

Batman: Robin; getting caught masturbating by the ghosts of my dead parents would be better than the last two Jurassic Park films. That doesn’t mean that I want to pay $10 to experience it, though.

Robin: Yeah, I mean, you’re supposed to charge them $10 for watching! At least that’s what I always do for my web shows.

Batman: I’m officially never letting you use the Batcomputer ever again.

8. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2

Batman: Ah…what’s this about, again? Hot chick fighting for a sandwich or something?

Robin: We could always Google it.

Batman: Nah, too busy. Next film.

9. Ant-Man

Batman: You’ve got to be shitting me.

Robin: Ah, something wrong, Batman?

Batman: There are a billion superheroes in the world and they give a film to this guy?

Robin: Is that a problem?

Batman: He’s half the size of your shrunken penis and spends his free time riding on ants! Please give me a reason as to why I should be excited about this movie.

Robin: Well, it stars Paul Rudd and has Anchorman director Adam McKay as a co-writer.

Batman: Okay, so it is a comedy. I can live with that. Just please tell me that it will be as funny as the time when the Joker tied you up in the nude next to that bullet ant mound.

Robin: Do you really think that there is something funny about a person receiving 187 excruciating bites to their genitals?

Batman: As the world’s greatest detective I can say that all evidence points towards "yes."

10. Tomorrowland

Batman: I love this show. Bender and Fry are hilarious.

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Robin: You might be getting confused with Futurama there, Batman.

Batman: What’s this one about then? Please tell me it is not about more retarded terminator time travel.

Robin: Very little is known about the project, except for the fact that it stars George Clooney, is being directed by Brad Bird, and is based on one of the theme lands found at Disney parks.

Batman: So George Clooney is going to ride Space Mountain, eat a $12 hamburger, and then get kicked out of the park for trying to kiss Daisy Duck?

Robin: I told you not to take your pants off before you did that.

Batman: And I told you not to hang around Jiminy Cricket’s locker room.

Robin: I’m sick of being your sidekick! I want to be a real boy!

11. Fantastic 4

Batman: Alright, now you’ve really got to be shitting me. Weren’t these jerks just in a terrible movie a couple of years ago?

Robin: Well, yes. This is a reboot, though, which promises to take the property in a brave new direction.

Batman: Hopefully in the direction that leads to Galactus taking a gigantic cosmic dump on the Fantastic 4 headquarters.

Robin: They might be saving that for the sequel.

Batman: Oh no, I’m not sitting through two of these things!

12. Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens

Robin: 2015 sees plenty of big films being released, but without a doubt the most highly anticipated of the bunch is Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Featuring fan favourites from the original trilogy plus a host of new blood, this movie represents not only a brave new beginning for the franchise, but also Disney’s first stab at the material.

Batman: And if I see one set of Mickey Mouse ears in the movie it will be someone from Disney getting their first stab.

Robin: Do you think that there is any way that this film can live up to the legacy of the original series, Batman?

Batman: Probably not, Robin. But on the upside, unless Jar Jar Binks himself is in the directing chair, it can’t possibly suck any more than the prequels.

Robin: It’s almost enough to give someone…a new hope. *winks*

Batman: If you do that again I will personally invent a Sarlacc pit to throw you into.

Robin: *sighs* Fine.

Batman: Anyway, as an old Jedi I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic. I’ve finished my work at the moisture farm, bought the gold bikini out of the closet, and have well and truly started warming up my lightsaber in anticipation.

Robin: Oh, so I don’t get to make any gags but you’re free to make all the dick jokes you want?

Batman: Fear not, Robin, the force is strong with this one.

Tune in next time, when Batman and Robin make sarcastic remarks about Superman’s new codpiece!

All articles in the “Batman and Robin” series:

Batman and Robin Discuss 2014’s Biggest Upcoming Films
Batman and Robin Debate Comic Con’s Top 10 Moments
Batman and Robin Discuss the 10 Highest-Grossing Films of the 90’s
Batman & Robin Discuss 11 Female Superheroes Who Need Their Own Film

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