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As rare as it is find good entertainment that didn’t just get off some other
dude’s lap, it is even rarer to find
good entertainment that doesn’t self-destruct during the last 10 minutes.
I’m pointing (see last sentence) the finger at basically everything I’ve watched
come out of Hollywood, California in the last week. Wait, did you pronounce
California as "Kal-ee-for-nuh" too? Nevermind. Hollywood has had a harder time
closing the deal on popular projects than my younger brother who made the
mistake of taking a cool but religious chick to prom.
First there was the complete train wreck that was Spider-Man 3. And
now I’m writing this fresh off of my two-hour tirade on the season 1 finale of
the NBC show Heroes. But even if you’ve been too inebriated (dictionary.com)
to keep up with current programming, we all can quickly think of a good piece of
entertainment that refused to deliver a proper ending in order to keep future
revenue streams open, a la sequels and co-brandings. Seriously though, if you
continue to eat at Burger King, no Spidey-suit will fit you.
Sadly, I and all of the other self-proclaimed “non-nerd” super-fans, who
spend at least 1-2 hours a night talking about the film/show in an internet
medium of some sorts, fantasized about how amazing the big finish would be, only
to be let down worse than that time we heard Dave Chappelle was crazy, high, and
in Africa. To make matters worse, we continue to send the completely wrong
message to the people making money off of these bad decisions.
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"I can't believe they've got me shooting in the rain. Do
they know who I am?! I'm a STAR, BABY!! Take me to my
trailer!" |
Each successive Spider-Man movie broke the record of opening day money
made for any film in history. And if I remember my community college Intro to
Economics class, “If you spend money on something, the people who made it will
make more.” That was a direct quote from the 29-year-old graduate student who
made about $400 in total for all of last year (remember kids, you can’t get into
heaven if you don’t have lots of money). The studios have no reason to not copy
the formula of Spider-Man 3 for every other movie they make because it
has a proven track record. For those of you who didn’t hear, the formula is:
1. Hire an almost completely unknown director and give him full creative
control, that way he can change things he doesn’t like about the script in order
to appease people who have no interest with the original reason why it was
successful.
2. Have each character cry at least twice or dress/dance like the lead singer
of Fall Out Boy.
3. Hire a good makeup crew, that way you don’t have to hire an attractive
female lead.
4. Collect money from fans who were horribly misled by the previews.
While we have the hope of someday convincing Christopher Nolan to revive
Spidey (I’m cool with using violent threats if needed), Heroes presents a
completely different challenge. NBC is a television network, which means NBC is
run by television executives, which means that unless we somehow convince every
48-year-old single mother of three that Heroes needs to be ballsier
(thank you Word grammar suggestion, I would have made the silly mistake of
saying “more ballsy”) and less estrogen-based, we have no hope.
I honestly do not understand how the “test groups” are conducted, but I’m
pretty sure they consist solely of the demographic described above. That goes
for any program. How many times were you getting ready for the biggest fight or
action sequence in the history of American programming, only to have it be
completely ruined by a heart-touching moment of self-sacrifice out of love for
another character? It’s probably a lot easier on the budget to avoid trying to
compete with The Matrix and going more of a “I can’t quit you” route, but
the
preview makers need to stop luring us in weeks or months in advance with
clips that are solely designed to stimulate that part in the average male’s
brain that screams “KILL!” It’s like picking up a Playboy with Scarlett
Johansson on the cover, only to find Better Homes and Gardens between the
sheets.
Whoever comprises this “general public,” you are an official enemy. I’m
actively seeking out members of this group wherever they exist, and have managed
to run into one. An ex-coworker of mine actually thought Spider-Man 3 was
really well done. I suffered a mild hemorrhage by containing my urge to slap
her, but I was glad to finally meet one of this “general public.”
She was clearly someone who had never heard of Spider-Man prior to 2002 when
the first one came out. She wasn’t at all bothered by how Venom was portrayed,
or that coincidentally every bad guy manages to become a sympathetic figure
before making some valuable life lesson statements prior to the closing credits.
She probably would have loved the Heroes finale, where instead of
receiving visuals of a showdown that takes De La Hoya vs. Mayweather to a
supernatural level, we’re treated to a warm, fuzzy-feeling moment as two
brothers re-connect and one makes the ultimate (though completely unnecessary)
sacrifice for the other. She would have no interest in seeing a show based
around the concept of people having special powers, unless they used those
special powers to develop normal relationships and act the same way that anyone
else on the planet can. The show had my attention when they said “telekinetic,”
but they have to avoid demonstrating the sheer power of technology in favor of
dragging out emotional bonds in order to gain her support. She and those
like her, are why we have a problem.
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