I‘ve got a problem, folks, and it's a doozy. You wanna know what my problem is? Good, because I'm about to tell you…

It's atoms. My problem is atoms. I don't like 'em, I don't wanna have anything to do with 'em, and I definitely don't wanna be made out of them. I've got a serious beef with atoms, okay?

Allow me to elucidate.

Let's start with protons. Simply knowing that I'm built out of these pretentious little twerps—and even worse, that I literally AM these pretentious little twerps—fills me with the overwhelming desire to kick my antimatter twin right square in the nuts.

Look at those smug little bastards. Just because they're part of the atomic nucleus they think they're God's gift to baryonic matter! You've gotta smash them together at light speed with a hardon collider just to wipe that shit-eating grin off of their up quarks! They're so damn perky I can't stand it. I just wanna bitch slap every one of those little poncy, stuck up sons of bitches. I don't like 'em one bit.

You wanna know what's worse than a gaggle of fart-sniffing protons? A herd of fart-eating electrons, that's what. Imagine all of the thrillians and bazillions and gazillions of electrons EVERYWHERE, spreading their negativity throughout the universe with impunity. Nothing's ever good enough for an electron. They're constantly jumping from one atom to another, thinking THAT atom is gonna be better than THIS atom, but they always wind up disappointed, and they're never satisfied with anything!

I dare you to try to make friends with an electron. Not only will they shock the ever-loving crap out of you for having the sheer audacity to pat one of them on the back, but they also want you dead, dead, DEAD for doing it! Electrons are so eternally pissed off, they'd just as soon kill you as illuminate a 40 watt light bulb to get a good look at you.

Whoever named those little shit snackers should have called them negatrons. They're annoying as hell and I hate 'em.

Hold onto your underpants folks, because I've saved the worst for last: those shiftless, bastard-ass neutrons. Do neutrons give a single shit when they form unstable isotopes and then fuck off to nowhere as deadly particle beams of ionizing radiation? Do they even shed a tear when their violent chain reactions vaporize cities? Do they give one flying rats ass when they go tearing through neighboring atoms, ripping them to shreds?

No no and no, they do not. Neutrons don't care about anything! They mainly just clump together in the nucleus and sit on their big heavy asses while making protons look fat… which they totally are, by the way.

Ever heard of a neutron star? It's a ball of protons and electrons that have been forced by gravity to hate-fuck until they're scrunched together so hard, they transmogrify into an ultra-dense ball of neutrons fifteen miles wide and weighing a billion tons per cubic inch! What a bunch of assholes. Neutrons suck, and I hope they all go straight to hell in a hand basket.

Have I made myself clear? I hate atoms and all their little parts. I hate hate HATE THEM! I also think it's fucked up that I'm forced to exist with those little worthless degenerates comprising the entirety of my physical being. Is it any wonder that I have to comatize myself every night with several doses of Tomahawk 190 proof distilled spirits, just so I can temporarily escape the horror?

If I'd had any say so in the matter, I definitely wouldn't have been constructed with quintillions of filthy atoms with bad attitudes.

You wanna know what I would have chosen as my elementary constituents? Neutrinos. That's what I wish I was made out of. Neutrinos.

Why neutrinos, you might ask?

Because neutrinos are the most laidback particles in the space-time continuum! You can't piss off a neutrino, or otherwise rile one up. You can't make one jealous, or stress one out, or punch one or kick one or smash one with a chunk of solid lead three light years long, or even catch one with your bare hands. You can't affect a neutrino AT ALL, man! They're immune to all of the bullshit that comes with atoms! They pass right through everything: you, me, planet Earth, a chunk of lead three light years long… as if none of it was even there at all! Imagine being a Neutrino Man! Wouldn't that RULE? You'd be immune to reality!

Oh, to be made out of neutrinos.


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