Thank you for your purchase. Like the box says, we think you'll find it “funtastic” and not just because that typo slipped by us. We believe that in no time at all, this product will bring many hours of fun to the entire family, whether connected by blood, adoption, or omerta.

If the rules set out are not followed in detail, the result may be hazardous injury, blinding, or death by bee stings. Also, The Company (heretofore referred to as “The Company”) is absolved of any legal obligations by stating such. The Customer (that is, you) provides assent to these regulations by the act of opening this manual. Closing it very quickly at this point will not void the agreement.


Before You Begin

Ensure that you have a wide area free of obstructions, entanglements, distractions, and Oxford commas.

People with ophidiophobia should re-box this product and return it to the store immediately. Please pay special attention to the return instructions described in Appendix 42 (page 434 of this manual), although details are clearly not your thing as the words “angry snakes” was right on the box.

Do not assemble in a wet or moist location. Do not assemble at altitudes lower than two thousand (2,000) miles below sea level. Do not assemble in a sea.

Do not arrange all parts to create a life-sized Jenga puzzle. This may lead to catastrophic injury and a terrible end to that family reunion picnic you’ve been putting off for two years.

As there have been documented cases of rebar flying overhead during assembly, please be aware of any innocent bystanders, although there is a good case to be made that there is no such thing—this nihilistic view is favoured by our team of lawyers.

Construction of the device is for those of intermediate mechanical skill and an above-average capability in profanity. For those in need, there is a glossary in this manual of various expletives to be used during assemblage (see Appendix 62, “101 Swears to Swear By”).

While in the same room with the partially constructed device, do not use words with a hard “k” sound. This has been known to trigger self-assemblage and intermittent sentience. There have been documented cases of this, but only in Los Angeles where it has lead to highway destruction, skyscraper collapse and a three-picture deal at Paramount.

The Device is not a tool for weight loss, but some Customers have experienced moderate to severe body mass reduction while standing in front of it's ominous, throbbing glow.


Step 1

Cut open boxes three through seven.

This will require the assistance of at least four other people. Once opened, your helpers can entertain themselves by chasing Styrofoam crumbs around the yard, for all you care. It is recommended that you put The Device together on your own. This guarantees maximum enjoyment of your Device or our name isn’t “The Company.”

Step 2

Line up all the bolts from largest to smallest.

There. Doesn’t that look nice?

Step 3

Weld together the metal struts, hang the flower beds as pictured, and affix all those items to the hovercraft skirt.

Despite the overwhelming urge to do so, do NOT plant the geraniums.

Step 4

Attach ballcock assembly to the treadle assembly.

If you need a minute to get the giggles out of your system, now’s the time.

Step 5

Align the hydraulics with the pre-set pinions, while sliding the spindle into the ratchet and being careful not to crack the stabiliser.

If you crack the stabiliser, initiate Cataclysm Protocol Codename: Heraldic Heirloom. Then back away from The Device but, for God’s sake, don’t take your eyes off it.

Step 6

Have a drink of water.

That whole eight-glasses-a-day maxim is a bit much. Do you know we get a lot of our hydration through our food?

Do NOT get water on The Device. It will get pruney and self-conscious.

Step 7

Approach The Device from behind and gently sing a song of sixpence.

If known, please write the recipe for a pie stuffed with four and twenty blackbirds on the self-addressed card contained in box number two. I got roped into a potluck dinner and I'm fresh out of ideas.

Step 8

With great delicacy, fit all Tabs A into any available Slots B.

Use the miniature chainsaw in box number one to complete this task. It wasn't included just to make you feel like a giant.

Step 9

Re-engage your four assistants to carry you around the yard like a Roman emperor.

Why? Because you're only 92 steps away from enjoying your very own Machine Hat™*!

*Enjoyment of Machine Hat is not guaranteed, except in Alaska and Hawaii.


Will you tweet or share this article? Circle YES/NO.

Join other PIC writers in a comedy class at The Second City online (10% off), or subscribe to our newsletter for all-new articles (100% free).