Hello, I can sense that there is something troubling you. It feels to me like there is a gaping hole in your family life. Did you lose someone close to you in the past few years? I can feel your sense of loss and I would like to tell you that everything is going to be okay. How do I know this? Well, it’s simple: as a clairvoyant, I am able to— hey, where’re you going?

What, you don’t believe in clairvoyants? Let me tell you something: neither did I. At first. For too long I had shirked the notion that I had “the sight.” I figured it was just allergies, but it wasn’t. Not until I went to Medium School did I unlock the talents I held within myself. And now, with this degree of authenticity from DelphiUniversity.com, I can speak to your recently deceased mother…? No, wait— father? Brother? Close cousin?

You have some dead relatives standing next to you right now. Well, no, you can’t see them; like I said earlier, I have the sight and you don’t. I’m sorry, sometimes there is static interference. Is your cell phone on? Yeah, see, that’s a problem. That was interfering with my sight, but that’s okay. This is not a scam. Tarot cards are a scam. Any schmuck can pick up a pack of tarot cards and see into the future. Not everyone has $2275 to spend on a week-long seminar in which to hone their spiritual skills. Crystal balls are a scam too, obviously. They only cost a couple dollars at any thrift store. Any clairvoyant worth their salt knows that the more expensive their training is, the more it is sure to work.

Also notice how I refer to myself as a clairvoyant and not a psychic. The term “psychic” gets thrown around so much these days it’s lost all meaning. But if I call myself a clairvoyant, well, just listen to all those syllables! Why, it has just as many syllables as the word “scientist,” so you know I’m credible. A psychic is nothing but a cheap imitator, relegated to back-alley store fronts and cheap tents at the carnival, whereas a clairvoyant will just walk up to any schmuck on the street and start talking to them, much like what I’m doing to you. See the difference? Do you remember that scene from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure with the gypsy woman and her crystal ball? See, that was a psychic. Case closed. So please, a little respect.

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Psychic house
You wouldn’t go here and honestly expect to get anything other than a handjob, right?

Let me be honest here. You have some dead relatives standing next to you right now. Well, no, you can’t see them; like I said earlier, I have the sight and you don’t. No, you can’t just start talking to them! That’s not fair! You didn’t get in correct alignment with your spirit guide to actualize the souls standing next to you. God, this is so frustrating!

Let me put it this way: if you were possessed by evil spirits, would you trust the cobbler to get rid of them for you? No, of course not, you would trust your medieval barber to drill the holes in your head to let the demons fly out; not the cobbler. Now, allow me to channel the proper energies to get this message across to you.

Hey, please, just give me a second. This message is very important. It seems that your… grandmother…? Ha! Yes! Grandmother! Nailed it! It seems that your grandmother wants you… to… buy an… hour-long session with me to talk to her further. Come on, please? I have psychic— clairvoyant student loans to pay off.

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