From: <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]>

“It has come to our attention that in violation of Company policy regarding the guidelines for the usage of the building's specially designed and equipped sanitary facilities for currently employed employees during the management-approved hours of operation, that any and all instances of biological interfacing during this time is strictly forbidden by guidelines established in the employee handbook and in accordance with adherence to 42 U.S.C. 12101, and also because of the great potential for disruption to other employees wishing to use the aforementioned facilities for legitimate and urgent purposes.”

If/when you have sex in the bathroom, do not use the handicapped stall.


From: <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]>

“It has come to our attention that employees, while engaged in various quorums during regular operating hours as set forth in the Company guidebook, are seemingly experiencing aggressive and unauthorized bouts of workplace somnambulism, which is having a deleterious effect on progress made and accounted for by the group in which the employee is contracted to participate. This is causing myriad disruption in the workflow and desired outcomes that the quorums were originally intended to facilitate. Management must request that all employees comply with the standards mandated in company policy regarding this ongoing issue, and utilize best practices in regard to the section of the guidebook titled ‘Strategies for Daily Mental and Physical Reanimation.' Employees who appear to disregard this mandate are strongly urged to partake in oral infusions of methylxanthine before, or immediately after, arriving at the workplace.”

Drink some coffee and wake the hell up, zombie.


From: <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]>

“It has come to our attention that Company employees are willfully, and without regard to co-workers, manipulating the micro-climate regulator and its housing, which is located in a centrally efficient location to ensure maximum setpoint efficiency. Digitally altering the setpoint, which is set in accordance with the Company guidebook on molecular activity relating to workplace environments, could result in a precipitous increase or decrease in the organizationally approved obligations with regard to particular circumstances of thermal parameters set forth in ASHRAE's Standard 55, ‘Thermal Environmental Conditions for Human Occupancy.'”

Keep your damn hands off the damn thermostat.


From: <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]>

“It has come to our attention that one or several Company employees have allegedly, either through willful disdain, ignorance or negligence, persisted in the acquisition and consumption of sustenance from our Company-approved and centrally located insulated and freon-activated appliance that serves as a repository for employees who wish to store comestibles that had been previously earmarked as the sole possession of that specific employee and require prolonged congealment. Management reserves the right to issue a strong and official interrogative regarding the acuity of any such employee who would, without prior express and written consent, plunder the array of nutriments (and an even more enticing array of confections), and attempt to establish spurious custody over these items with the intent of ingestion.”

You're eating food from the fridge that isn't yours? What the fuck is wrong with you?


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