I’ll cut right to the chase, as Courtney and I have some exciting news we’ve been very eager to share: we’re not having a baby!

Yes, it’s true! We’ve chosen not to follow the path to parenthood. To commemorate this special occasion, please enjoy the attached photo of Courtney and I enjoying our childless lives. Do not be distracted by the fact that we happen to be pictured pulling a single sweet roll out of the oven together; baking individual dessert portions is one of our favorite pastimes as a couple, and we’re not going to change our behavior to accommodate your habit of jumping to conclusions.

I’m sure this revelation will come as a shock to many of you, seeing as Courtney and I have been in a healthy, committed, heterosexual relationship for several years now. We’d never really considered the “no kids” route to be an option, frankly, what with all the prying questions and pressure from Courtney’s parents.

Speaking of, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to Courtney’s mother and father, Karen and Bill, who will now most assuredly never fulfill their dream of becoming grandparents. But to be fair, if this was a “must-have” for them, they shouldn’t have called it quits after only one child. As they say, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

We made this choice after much careful consideration. Ultimately, the two of us concluded that starting a family was not the best course of action for us. It came down to the fact that we simply didn’t want to deal with children ourselves. To this point, we’ve rejected numerous offers from good friends inviting us to be godparents. Relatedly, I’m currently embroiled in a lengthy and expensive legal battle to divorce myself from my siblings in order to guarantee that I cannot be made an uncle against my will.

And just in case anyone suspects there’s some sort of biological issue at play that is forcing our hands, I want to squelch any such rumors. Although this is a personal matter between Courtney and I, we have documentation from medical professionals showing that we would be fully capable of conceiving a child, should we have chosen to do so. My doctor has praised my high sperm count and overall virility, while Courtney’s gynecologist has described her uterus as being “as fecund as the Fertile Crescent.” As a result, we’re taking the necessary precautions to ensure we do not experience an unintended pregnancy: Courtney is getting an IUD, I’ve recently scheduled a vasectomy, and just to be extra careful, we’ve both taken lifetime oaths of celibacy.

To those who believe our choice to live a D.I.N.K. lifestyle is selfish, or who are otherwise questioning our fitness for parenthood, please look at the great job we’ve done taking care of Yorkie, our four-year-old Yorkshire Terrier rescue. Yorkie runs a weekly obedience class, and also volunteers at doga (dog yoga). He does this all on his own, mind you, so I think it’s safe to say that we have already raised one very good boy, and that is enough for us.

Certainly a lot of you will be wondering how we’ll spend our remaining free time now that we’ve ruled out having offspring. We’re planning to travel and see the world in the near future, but for now, Courtney is using the flexibility to focus on her career, and I’ve recently taken up a moderator position at an online forum dedicated to discussing the merits of living a childfree life. It’s a thankless job, but somebody has to delete all those rule-breaking reposts asking if anybody else finds the mere presence of kids disgusting.

That's all that we have to say on the matter for the time being, and we thank you in advance for respecting both our decision and privacy from this point forward.

That being said, we are open to discussing why we believe that marriage is an outdated institution, and we’d be happy to explain to you how matrimony is fundamentally harmful to society, as well as our reasons for forgoing such binding vows in our own partnership.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!