Dear Adult Man Who is Apparently Too Good for Any of Us,

Wow. I want to begin by letting you know that I had once found you attractive and pictured myself as your next lover. That thought lasted about 12 minutes.

I first saw you in the snack aisle of Target, Mr. Dreamy-McDream Pants, with your deep blue eyes, rectangular-framed glasses, and your slightly messy hair. And once you grabbed a box of Keebler’s Coconut Dreams with your ringless hand, I swooned.

We went our separate ways, and as destiny had it, we saw each other again near the bath section. It was then that everything changed. You looked around and quickly set your Coconut Dreams down on the bottom shelf near the shower curtains…and just walked away. As if that was where they belonged.

How dare you?

As I picked up the box of cookies, I imagined a world where everyone thought it was okay to just leave items they didn’t want anymore wherever they pleased. Imagine how disorderly and chaotic Target would be if everyone was as careless as you? Target, a place where so many people feel calm and at home, would be a place of unorganized anarchy.

Would you have also left my delicate heart on the shelf near the shower curtains if you decided you didn’t want me anymore?

“That’s not where that goes!” I screamed after you, but you didn’t turn around. You didn’t even slow down.

As I looked down at the box of Keebler’s, I became sad. Sad for the relationship we almost had, before I realized that you’re a careless monster. Sad for the employee who is making minimum wage, only to spend half her time standing up for herself in a male-dominated society, and the other half putting random boxes of snacks away like a single mother cleaning up after her child. Sad for that happy Keebler elf looking up at me, probably confused as to why he is suddenly surrounded by fucking shower curtains.

Did you at least put your shopping cart away instead of leaving it in the middle of the parking lot?

Nevermind, don’t answer that.

The drive home for me was particularly hard. I kept thinking of how a grown ass man could be so careless in a world that’s already hard enough. How can we expect our leaders to do better if we can’t do better ourselves? And how could I possibly be in a long-term relationship with someone who is so callous with things? Would you have also left my delicate heart on the shelf near the shower curtains if you decided you didn’t want me anymore? It was on 32nd Ave, where I saw a can of Pepsi on the side of the road, that I pulled over to throw up.

This letter is catching you off guard, I’m sure. Nobody has ever had the audacity to retrace your steps, find your address, and send you a letter calling you out on something you see as so small and unimportant. I’m sure you’re going to rip this letter up as soon as you’re done reading, if you haven’t already, and leave it on the sidewalk of your apartment complex because you forgot you were carrying it and didn’t want to find a trash can.

I bet you didn’t even put your shopping cart away.

Ugh, I’m so glad I’m not in a relationship with you.

You should know that I bought your cookies because I, too, didn’t feel like walking back and putting them away. But damn, did they taste respectable.

Self-righteously,
Liane


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