Dear Sir (although it seems grotesque to even deem you as such),

I have been an esteemed member of Salty Waves Nudist Community for the last 15 years, and during that time, I have served as chairman, board president, director of operations, head lifeguard, and snack shack supervisor–in that order. I have never had to confront a fellow member about their conduct on our premises. Until now.

Lacking a way to eloquently state my grievance towards you, I will simply come out and say it:

Your abnormally large penis has made it uncomfortable for everyone here.

Although we could not be more open with nudity and the human form, it honestly seems like you are a member here exclusively to showcase your… endowment. And while there is nothing wrong with this from a legal standpoint, I think I can speak for everyone when I say, “We get it. You’re blessed. But for the love of god, please put that thing away!”

The way you strut around, with your head held high and your member swinging in the wind is a perfect example of the type of clientele we’re not trying to attract. We prefer our members keep their heads down and their privates tucked and shiftless. Numerous complaints have been filed against you, each and every one citing your overbearing presence as a total distraction to the various activities we have to offer.

If I had one wish granted to me by a genie, it’d be to blur out your genitals in real life.

While we do understand that you cannot possibly be persecuted by your mere presence alone, what we do struggle with is the fact that the shadow of a certain part of your body is continually blocking sunlight from our resident sunbathers. Please understand that our community is the only place most of our members can rely on to get a full body tan. The burden of uneven tans falls on your shoulders.

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Salty Waves Nudist Community prides itself on the countless couples that have memberships here. They view our establishment as a safe haven, in which they can mutually, and harmoniously, grow in their loving relationships. Your, um, manhood parading around the community is a direct threat to these relationships.

The fleeting looks from the wholesome female members and the intense jealousy from our male members have caused quite the shift in the general atmosphere. Through the last few months, I have personally watched over a dozen different couples–whom, I should note, couldn’t have been happier in their relationships prior to your joining the club–feud with each other in such bombastic ways that it felt like I was watching an episode of reality TV.

Honestly, this was worse than any reality show because at least on TV, they’d blur out the genitals. If I had one wish granted to me by a genie, it’d be to blur out your genitals in real life.

Appealing to potential new members, along with maintaining a solid relationship with our current and past members is important to us. We take it seriously. Of the various ways in which we get ourselves out there, brochures and social media, namely Instagram, have been the most effective. At the end of the day, photographs featuring our facilities, the activities we offer, and of course our members is what seals the deal.

Lately, our resident photographer has experienced an unparalleled frustration as nearly every single photograph he takes, somehow, features your penis romping around, arrogantly oscillating and undulating and accidentally(?) photobombing almost his entire catalog of photos. Additionally, we are on thin ice with the folks at Instagram, as our posts keep getting reported, and so we’ve been under threat of account termination for the last several weeks. It’s a very stressful time for us, and it’s exclusively because of you.

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Since you technically are not doing anything against the club’s rules, all I can do is make you aware of my objections to the way you conduct yourself, and pray each night that this barrage of human flesh make a permanent exit from my life once and for all.

Perhaps not everyone deserves to belong to a nudist colony.

Sincerely (and I cannot emphasize that enough),
Dan Petersen
Snack Shack Supervisor
Salty Waves Nudist Community

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