Okay, so I got myself a fire here.

First step: don't panic, Ronny. The fire can sense when you're panicking and it'll just get hotter and more fiery. I'm in complete control here. Fuck you, fire.

I suppose I could have someone call the fire department, but honestly, I got this. They'd just get in my way.

Alright, so how did this fire get started? I bet my kids did something stupid, like sticking things into the wall socket again. Goddamn it.

Bet everyone's going to be impressed by how much I'm coughing from all the smoke inhalation. I'll refuse any medical help because it's no big deal and I'm a man.

No, I hear you, honey! Just ignore the wife. I know I left my old, gasoliney rags by my ashtray in the garage again. She don't know nothing. Guess I gotta save everyone now. Typical—doing everything myself.

Damn, fire's in the garage now. Thank God my Trans Am is parked in the street today—just waxed her and gotta show her off. Best thing to do here is to smother the fire. Fire breathes oxygen—I learned that from Backdraft. Kurt Russell, great fuckin' movie.

Okay smother, let's see. I can toss this big beach towel I use to clean the oil out of my Trans Am's carburetor over the fire. That'll do it. Easy peasy.

Goddamnit. Now the fire's spreading into the house. Oh well that's just fucking great! The damn kids were probably playing with the gas can again! Just making fire stronger. Ungrateful runts are lucky that I still got this handled.

Gotta storm into the house—are the neighbors watching? Because this is going to be seriously Backdraft-level super-badass. If my kids and wife are already out on the lawn, that's fine I guess, but if they're still in the house, now's a good time to pick 'em up and carry 'em out to safety so everyone sees.

I'll just act like I'm carrying my wife because trust me, she'll just walk.

Okay, no time to keep flexing my pecs on the lawn. The fire has spread into the house now. No problem. Dammit, that stupid jar of grease that my wife keeps under the sink has just caught fire and exploded. If only she would listen to me and throw that grease down the drain or pour it into the sewer! Or dump it in the lake, I'm sure the ducks'll love that shit. Well, time for me to save the day again. Fuck. I'll just grab a big bucket of water and splash it hard and fast like a boss onto the grease jar.

Are you fucking kidding me!? The grease fire is worse now and spreading everywhere!? This wasn't in Backdraft. Figures that my wife would use some kind of fancy expensive grease that is impervious to water. Probably French. Like she's too good for American grease.

Alright, alright. I'll put on those dumb reindeer and snow man oven mitts on—hope the neighbors got bored—and pick up the grease jar and throw it out a window. Better this burning nightmare be outside than inside right? Just chuck it out there. Like a fuckin' grenade, cool as hell.

Shit, the window was closed. The flaming jar banged off the window and went flying into the living room and now burning, fancy French grease is everywhere! That's just great! Thank you Vicky! Thank you so much for closing all the windows and putting the air on when it's only 82 degrees today. Figures. No one listens when I say I like it swampy in my house!

Now I gotta go step on all that grease in the living room like a dumbass just to put it out. I'll use my socks so I don't ruin my new shoes.

Well, my shoes are safe but pretty much the whole house is on fire and the neighbors are getting together to chatter while the fire truck pulls up. I better go talk to the firefighters and let them know where they can help me fight this fire.

Bet everyone's going to be impressed by how much I'm coughing from all the smoke inhalation. I'll refuse any medical help because it's no big deal and I'm a man. If any of the neighbors makes a crack about my socks or our French grease, I'll pound 'em, I swear to God.

Better go move the Trans Am further down the street—this is starting to look bad. Oh, before I forget I better go sarcastically thank my wife for keeping that fancy grease and closing all the windows.

Goddamnit, look at my fucking house. When you find out who made such a mess, I'm gonna give 'em hell! My bootleg Backdraft DVD better not be ruined.

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