I guess I’m relieved to see that sexual harassment is being exposed all over the media ’cause I’ve been starting to wonder if it’s just me. Have I aged poorly? Am I carrying my weight disproportionately? I’m relieved to see that the reason I’m not being involuntarily groped is because women are ruining it, not that my ass suddenly lost its flare.

See, my ass was once a hip meeting place, pardon the pun, like the corner soda shop filled with hot rods and fancy grills where everyone would come to chill on a Saturday night, and by Saturday night I mean any day of the week. My ass was like a Starbucks outlet: any variety of males, from successful six-figure suit-dawning studs to homeless vagrants, just needing to boost 3% would pop in and wait to power up.

Am I going to have to sign a consent form with all of the men I work with beforehand? Well, that takes all the romance out of it!

Now, the occasional friendly slap on the ass has turned into a contrived cold hand on the shoulder, perfect for taking an “awkward Mormon family photo” selfie at any moment. What happened to showing up to work after a night of drinking and my boss asking me to take a couple naked pictures of myself?

I’m starting to feel seriously unattractive. I’ve grown accustomed to a certain level of sexual harassment, and as you know, sexual harassment is like clam chowder: the ingredients are kinda gross, but now I have a taste for it. I don’t want it at every meal, and sometimes I don’t want it with crackers ifyouknowhati’msayin’, but I want to know that on a dark, cold night I can come home to a warm bowl and devour it like I’m binge watching the Clarence Thomas trial, or at least fast-forwarding to the good parts.

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It seems like there are a lot of advocates protecting women from sexual harassment, but what about protection for those of us who want to exercise our right to be spanked freely and openly at our workplace? Am I going to have to sign a consent form with all of the men I work with beforehand? Well, that takes all the romance out of it!

Men are responsible for making me feel like my worth is entirely based on the amount of sexual attention I receive and now they’re gonna leave me high and dry, to suddenly rely on my own self-talk to promote my worthiness? Someone caught me the other day whispering breathily to myself in the mirror, “I like your top”–do you know how uncomfortable that was?

Since women have historically earned higher degrees of equality by simply filling roles once held by men, I think the solution here is fairly simply: women need to start sexually harassing other women. I believe we can restore our self-esteem if we were to rely on our God-given strength to raise each other up and provide support for our fellow sisters.

Imagine walking into the office and being greeted by a sultry, “Your proposal/agreement made me want to rape you.” Guys don’t even go that far. We can take this to a whole new level and really show men how to do it.

This also brings women closer to our end goal of finding a way to cut men out of the equation altogether. And the men will be okay with this because they don’t care who’s ass it is or who’s spankin’ it, all they want to know is that they’re present.

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