Dear Megan,

Thank you so much for the sweet and thoughtful boyfriend! As the girl Dan started dating right after you, I want to express how grateful I am for whipping him into shape so that I don’t have to.

You were his first live-in girlfriend—the guinea pig—and I’ll never forget your sacrifices, paving the way for what has truly been the easiest, healthiest relationship of my life.

He says you were the crazy one, but woman-to-woman, I want you to know that I know the truth. Your “being crazy” was just a side-effect of how passionate you were about turning him into the decent, dateable human being he is now. You have such great taste and a real talent for making the best boyfriends for other people.

For example, the Eataly cooking class you dragged him to, hoping it would bring you closer together, has really paid off (I mean, for me). As I write this, the Dan you made me is making fettuccine from scratch… for my entire family… unprompted! I owe it all to you for doing the dirty work so that I can enjoy the fruits (flowers and candies) of your labor.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d meet a man who brushed his teeth without Marvel characters on the tube of his toothpaste, or be able to find the coffee filters on his own without accusing me of moving them, or tell the difference between black and navy socks. At first, I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I especially don’t know—to this day—how you got him to wipe his whiskers off the sink after shaving for God’s sake! Bravo!

He even asks me about my day and if my friends are doing ok. It’s unbelievable. From surprise Bloomingdale shopping sprees to first row seats at Bieber and Taylor Swift concerts, Dan never ceases to amaze me. And, because I know you’re the one who molded him, you never cease to amaze me, Megan. Wear those wrinkles, extra pounds and grey hairs he gave you with pride! They are badges of honor, and I salute you for your service.

There’s a moment I cherish with my Danny that I’d like to share. One day, in bed, I mentioned that I liked the smell of burnt marshmallows because it reminded me of summer camp. The very next day, he surprised me with a s’mores-scented candle because he said, and I quote, “I know your love language is ‘receiving gifts’ and I want you to know how much I love you.” Megan, how the hell did you get him to read the The 5 Love Languages?!?

Girl, I applaud you.

Look, it’s obvious from your Facebook page that you spent a great deal of time and money—and let’s be real, your better years—on your relationship with Dan only to transform him into the dapper and considerate man of my dreams. How could I ever repay you?

At the very least, please accept this thank-you note as a token of my gratitude. I’m just sorry I couldn’t send it to you sooner. After meeting Dan, dating, immediately committing, moving in together, getting engaged, buying a house and having a baby, I just haven’t had the time. But I’m sure you’ve been just as busy lugging groceries by yourself and spending time with your dog. Anyway, I’m making time now to say: I appreciate you.

Gratefully,
Kelsey (the last girl you ever thought Dan would date)

P.S. My sister broke her leg and I want to cheer her up with a new bf who’s sensitive, successful and ready to settle down. Got any other exes? Thanks again!

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