And then I hope you take a lot of naps. I hope you’re a great sleeper. And I hope even in your dreams you can feel how much we love you. Childhood is magical. You only get to be a child once, so don’t spend it worrying too much about the future. You’ve got us for that, and we’ll do everything we possibly can to make sure the world is a better place for you and all children in your generation.” Mark Zuckerberg, August 28th

Hey Dad,

I’m pretty stoked to be born as well. I really appreciate the advice, I do want to enjoy my childhood. I just want to reassure you: I’m not worried about the future. Not even a little bit. Like, not the tiniest amount. Because I’m going to inherit billions of dollars.

I see what you’re going for in this letter you wrote me, and I can see why you think I might need a reminder not to worry. You didn’t grow up on the verge of inheriting billions of dollars. You had to wait until you were 20 years old to be a multi-millionaire, so maybe it makes sense that you’d worry. I’m not worried, though. I’ll be a child not only once, but probably forever.

You said you hope I take a lot of naps, and I want you to know: I will take a nap everyday for the rest of my life. Because I’m fucking rich.

One thing I want to address from this letter, though. You said “you and all children.” What is this “all children” thing? I thought you loved me! Don’t tell me you love all those other children too!! Does Mom not love me either? Are you going to give those kids my money? I know when my sister was born you pledged to give away 99% of your wealth, which I thought was PRETTY RUDE. If you give away 99% of your money, then we only have like $700 million left. And I have to split it with my sister!

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Could you at least consult with us before you give poor kids our money?

I have some other questions about my life that I’d like to ask right now.

  • Will I get in trouble if I don’t use Facebook?
  • What if I become a Twitter celebrity? Is that going to cause a rift like Gilmore Girls Season 6? I mean, I don’t mind the idea of living with my grandparents as long as they too have a mansion in Palo Alto. I have a feeling I’m going to LOVE Palo Alto.
  • Am I going to have to work at Facebook?
  • Am I going to have to work at all? I wasn’t planning on it, because I have like a gazillion bucks.

Let’s also talk about the name “August.” I can only assume you named me because I was born in the month of August, but here’s the thing: “August” isn’t a pretty month name. It’s not like April, May, or June. It’s more like March or September. Would you have named me “September”?

I’d be more angry about the name, except that my last name is REAL good. Like possibly the best of all time. Because it’s associated with the billions of dollars I will one day inherit.

Also, I’m 8 days old, so I’m not actually able to read yet. Why did you write me a letter? Also, why do you call Facebook statuses “letters”? Sorry if you knew how to read when you were 8 days old. You’ve set unreasonable standards for me to live up to. I’m probably going to have an eating disorder or something. Before I inherit my billions.

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Love,
August

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