June 1st, 2018

Hello friends! I know it’s been a few weeks since my last post, but don’t worry, I’m still paleo to the core.

For those of you who are new to my blog, you may or may not be aware that the paleo lifestyle is the only way to truly optimize your health. That’s because the paleo diet is the only diet to successfully mirror the exact diet that our hunter-gatherer ancestors followed in the Paleolithic Era.

So, the reason I haven’t posted in awhile is that I’ve been pretty busy working on an exciting project. I have cracked the secret of time travel! Tomorrow morning, I will heroically launch myself back through time and space into Paleolithic Europe, where I will live the paleo life with the original advocates of the paleo diet. The nature of the time device allows me to bring minimal supplies, but I will be able to bring my Chromebook and send a wi-fi signal through a microscopic tear in the fabric of the fourth dimension, thereby allowing me to keep this blog updated. Amazing!


June 2nd, 55,000 BC.

I did it! I was already living a complete paleo lifestyle in 2018, but to actually be here in the Paleolithic era itself is pretty damned special. Hell, I can probably teach the folks around here a few things!

I packed a small lunch with me today: A delicious sandwich with grain-free Irish soda bread, sliced organic chicken breast, arugula, cucumber, and paleo-mayonnaise. Wonderful!

The time device didn’t have enough energy to allow me to carry much else, so starting tomorrow I’ll be on my own for food.


June 3rd, 55,000 B.C.

A bit chilly last night. I should have remembered to bring a lighter with me to make a fire.

I went out looking for some paleo food this morning but I couldn’t find any shops. Inconvenient.


June 4th, 55,000 B.C.

I finally met some locals! I was wandering around in the forest yesterday and came across a tribe of paleo enthusiasts sitting around a fire. I asked politely if I might be able to join them. At first, they were a little startled. I guess they weren’t used to seeing outsiders who were as paleo as they were.

One minor problem, they don’t speak English! They do speak a language of some sort, but I can’t make heads or tails of it. They’ve taken to making elaborate hand signals to try to communicate with me.

The food was also pretty bland. No paleo-friendly spices or sauces to speak of. Not even olive oil! Looks like I’m going to have to put my paleo coaching to use.


June 5th, 55,000 B.C.

I had a rather irritating experience today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still paleo to the core and always will be. But damn.

Communication is still tricky, but early this morning I was asked to come on a shopping trip with some of the gentlemen.

They led me into a clearing and handed me a flimsy stick with a pointed stone on it. Suddenly, a herd of gigantic hairy elephants emerged into the field. Beautiful! Then my friends began throwing their pointy sticks at one of the poor creatures.

I was mortified! I mean, killing an animal!? Disgusting! I am ashamed to admit that I threw my stick. It missed, but the creature still took offense. It picked me up with its trunk and threw me. My leg is hurt pretty badly. From what I’ve been able to decipher it sounds like they’ll have a doctor see me soon.


June 6th, 55,000 B.C.

These people have no painkillers! Good god, my leg really smarts. This so-called “medical professional” just tied a vine around my leg, chanted some crazy shit, and rubbed plants on my wound. I was hoping for some Vicodin or something. I’m pretty sure I need antibiotics and stitches as well.

Another inconvenience: some folks from another tribe came over here last evening and murdered a bunch of people! Horrible! I can’t imagine this is legal, but nobody bothered to contact law enforcement. Very strange.


June 9th, 55,000 B.C.

My leg is green.


June 10th, 55,000 B.C.

They cut my leg off. With a sort-of sharp rock.

Very painful.

WTF.


June 12th, 55,000 B.C.

Sorry for the lack of updates, paleo fam. If anyone says I’m not paleo to the core, you tell them otherwise! I’ve been a little unconscious lately. Also, I offended my hosts yesterday when I criticized their dining options. I guess they don't recognize a paleo guru when they see one. The “elder”, some guy who looks about thirty-five, made a very obscene gesture towards me. This morning I woke up to find they had all left in the night. Rudeness.

Starting to snow.


June 13th, 55,000 B.C.

Battery getting low. I was so cold last night that I cuddled in a ball around my Chromebook. Typing is a little slow, the fingers on my left hand have turned black. My stump is still hurting like a real son of a bitch too.

Still snowing. So cold.

Not to worry. I’m paleo. I’m paleo to the core. This is my domain! #PaleoForLife


Want to improve your writing? Join Second City's online "Writing Satire for the Internet" class. Use code PIC for 10% off.