I was at a job interview recently when a potential employer asked me if I could handle stress. “Stress?” I asked. “What kind of question is that?” I replied nervously and insecurely. “OF COURSE I CAN HANDLE STRESS!” I bellowed fiercely as I pounded my fists on the table. “I CAN HANDLE STRESS JUST FINE! MAYBE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN’T HANDLE STRESS!”

I screamed and yelled with profound anger before getting out of the chair and hurling myself into the nearest wall at full force in a spontaneous and psychotic fit of rage.

“I’M REALLY GOOD UNDER PRESSURE!” I hollered at the ceiling while sobbing endlessly on the floor as blood began to leak out of my head.

For some reason, that company never called me back. And that’s OK. I never really wanted to be a Walmart greeter anyway.  Regardless, I feel that it is necessary for me to share some of the wisdom I’ve gained when it comes to proper stress management.

The following seven guidelines are designed to assist those who feel that their plate is a bit full.

1. Drink an adequate amount of coffee.

It is widely known that there are health benefits to drinking a cup or two of coffee in the morning. Coffee is an excellent source of antioxidants. Antioxidants reduce inflammation and help neutralize free radicals, which are very harmful to the human body. Coffee also temporarily improves memory and concentration, enhances physical performance, raises energy levels while burning fat, and helps fight depression. Amazingly, coffee is good for your heart, and may even help prevent liver disease and type 2 diabetes too.

These are the health benefits associated with drinking a cup or two of coffee in the morning. However, you’re not going to drink coffee for these reasons, and you’re also not going to stop at a cup or two. You’re going to drink 12 of them.

After you do this, make sure you listen to some good tunes on the radio as you piss your pants on the way to work. When you get to the office reeking of urine with your pants completely soaked, everyone will pretty much leave you alone, including your boss.

“Hey Greg, I’m going to need you to….OH MY GOD, NEVERMIND!”

Yes, indeed! Nobody will bother you or come near you, and the rest of your day will be relatively stress-free.

2. Stare at other people’s Facebook profiles while experiencing alcohol-induced euphoria.

Excessive alcohol consumption is an excellent way to reduce stress. It will also help get your mind off all those pesky, yet numerous psychological problems that plague you on a daily basis. And now that you’ve been fired from your job for pissing yourself, you’ll have plenty of time to stare at other people’s Facebook profiles while drinking heavily in the morning.

Perhaps the best thing about staring at other people’s Facebook profiles while experiencing alcohol-induced euphoria is the simple fact that these people are currently at work… stressed out.

But not you! You’re free! You can sit back, pour yourself another drink, and keep staring at other people’s Facebook profiles while happy, gleeful thoughts dance through your mind.

Thoughts such as:

“Hey, I’m better than that person.”

Or even…

“Damn, I wish I could fuck her in the back seat of my car while the moon is bright and full.” 

3. Stare at pictures of aging celebrities who will likely die soon, while experiencing alcohol-induced depression.

Euphoria caused by drinking in the morning does not last forever. Towards the evening hours, this euphoria will eventually turn into depression. Depression, however, is also good for relieving stress. The tyranny of life’s pressures won’t bother you if you simply don’t give a fuck.

As the depression and headaches set in, take this opportunity to stare at pictures of aging celebrities who will likely die very soon.

They’ve lived a great life, they’ve done amazing things, and they will be remembered when they’re gone….unlike you. Don’t feel too bad, and don’t blame yourself too much. After all, you did the best you could. You were born with certain things that simply can’t be helped….such as lack of intelligence, lack of talent, lack of skill, lack of creativity, a general inability to adapt to new environments, and your face.

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No reason to get all stressed out over things you can’t change.

4. Develop a new hobby.

Finding a new hobby is another great way to relieve stress. It will help you develop your personality as well as your life skills. It may even allow you to make a significant contribution to your community. Sending ideas to companies that produce graduation cards is an excellent example.

Graduation cards that say “Good Luck With Your Future” are kind of boring. Contribute some of your innovation so that we can see graduation cards that say something like:

“May your spontaneous professional and romantic endeavors never become profoundly bereft of significance in an irreversible manner… May you never be relentlessly attacked by an aimless, wandering, homicidal derelict while in the middle of a dreary marsh full of cranberries… And may your future journeys always safely orbit the magnetic field of the dark and all-consuming Void.”

5. If hobbies stress you out, turn to fun and simple diversions.

Things such as:

  1. Taking your own picture underneath the “Self Help” section of a bookstore and then using that picture to highlight your online resume.
  2. Making family, friends, and relatives laugh hysterically around the campfire by telling them about your last therapist who committed suicide.
  3. Telling everyone at the dinner table about the time a nurse had severe difficulty pulling a catheter out of your penis while you were recovering from surgery.

6. Exercise while listening to music.

Go to your local gym all prepped to do a vigorous workout. Drink some coffee to get yourself motivated.

Hit those weights like the motherfucking vicious animal you are while listening to the lyrics of the Kansas’s 1977 “Dust in the Wind” until you become so depressed that you accidentally drop a dumbbell on your head.

Then go back home and stare at other people’s Facebook profiles while experiencing alcohol-induced euphoria.

You probably shouldn’t have left the house in the first place.

7. Never fall for the wrong person.

I once knew a bright, young college student named Todd. Todd was earning a double major in math and psychology with a special emphasis on counseling individuals who suffer from confusing nightmares due to a pre-occupation with post-modern anti-nihilistic pro-activism, so he definitely knew the meaning of stress. Sometimes, his stress caused him to feel a bit lonely. “Is there more to life than just studying all the time?” Todd pondered over numerous math and psychology books.

One morning, he suddenly noticed a very beautiful young woman sitting across the room in his pre-calculus class. Her name was Julie. She had lovely red hair, soul-penetrating eyes, and perky breasts. “Wow! She looks amazing!” Todd thought to himself.

Over the course of the next few days, Todd kept glancing in her direction. Finally, he worked up the courage to go and talk to her after class. The two engaged in a magnificent conversation that lasted for several hours. It turned out that they had lots in common. Julie was also earning a double major in math and psychology but with a special emphasis on counseling individuals who have been hideously disfigured by random zoo animal attacks. Needless to say, she also felt very stressed out. Todd never would have imagined that he could have so much in common with such a lovely girl.

As the weeks passed by, Todd and Julie spent lots of time talking and emailing each other. Sometimes, they even discussed their hopes for the future. Todd was completely in love with Julie. He didn’t realize, however, that Julie had a boyfriend named Derek.

One day as they were talking, Todd thought it would be a brilliant idea if the two studied pre-calculus together (after all, Spring exams were coming up). Todd also wanted to use this study time as an opportunity to tell Julie exactly how he felt about her.

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“Do you want to go over some pre-cal with me today?” Todd asked.

“Yeah, I could use your help,” Julie replied.

“Golly, that’s really swell!” Todd said. “I’ll stop by your room sometime.”

“OK, cool,” Julie answered back as she walked off towards her dorm.

It was a pleasant Saturday morning. Blades of grass glistened with dew and a sparkle of happiness. A cool spring breeze gently fondled the beautiful leaves that seemed to dance gleefully on their stems as Derek pushed his massive, throbbing, vein-filled cock into Julie while she screamed and moaned with delight.

Unfortunately, it was at this moment that Todd happened to walk by her room and hear the ruckus. “I wonder what that noise is…” he said to himself as Derek gently put his hands on Julie’s soft stomach, turned her around, and then started drilling her from behind until the erotic friction caused by their animalistic love forced him to pull out and expel a massive and seemingly endless load all over her back.

“She must be moving furniture. Maybe she needs my help,” Todd said to himself.

The door was unlocked, so he opened it a bit to call to her, just in time to see Derek’s love juice dripping down Julie’s back. With shock, horror, and profoundly crushing despair, Todd threw his pre-cal books down on the floor and dashed towards the window at the end of the hallway in a desperate attempt to splatter himself all over the pavement. Before he reached the window, however, he accidentally banged his head on a large wooden board that was projecting out into the hallway from the upper bunk of another dorm room. (Apparently, some students were in the process of moving out, but hadn’t finished yet.)

Todd fell backwards and landed on a nail that just happened to be protruding from the carpet. The nail went right through the back of his head.

With blood dribbling from his mouth, Todd grabbed his own head, pulled it upwards off the nail, and then continued his desperate attempt to throw himself out of the window. Unfortunately, however, he banged his head on the wooden board again, fell backwards, and landed on the same nail. More blood began jetting out of his mouth, and actually leaking out of his eyeballs too.

Todd was rather dizzy at this moment. When he picked himself up and tried to run toward the window a third time, he was so fatigued that instead of darting right through the window toward his own demise he so badly craved, he actually stumbled towards it.  He was able to smash his head through the window, but didn’t have enough energy to get the rest of his body through it, so he hunched over the wall twitching, gurgling, and occasionally vomiting. Luckily for Todd, a big shard of glass fell down, sliced through the back of his neck, and separated his head from the rest of his body.

His head bounced off the stone ledge outside the window and became impaled on the spear of one of the gargoyle statues that guarded the side entrance to the building. Large quantities of blood poured, gushed, and spewed from his open neck and splattered on some of the students walking back to the dorm from class.

You may be wondering if there is a point to this story. Well, there is…

The point of the story is that you should never get all “cut up” when life seems overwhelming. If you “nail” one problem at a time, you won’t become so stressed out that you “lose your head.”

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