Have you ever been attacked by a hideously-deformed, drooling, existentially-confused, randomly explosive, unpredictable, truculent, narcissistic nymphomaniac who suffers from delusions of grandeur and an unrelenting desire to kill others after drinking a bucket full of Everclear?
Good, neither have I.
Anyway, this article isn’t about that. These are just some simple truths about life that I wish to share with young people in the sincerest hope that my wisdom will spread positive thinking and well-being amongst others.
1. You will eventually die alone while writhing in bitter and profound agony.
When you’re young, life gives you promise and hope. You might also feel something called “love” in your heart, along with a profound desire to hold someone in your arms and to be held by them forever. At this point, you must realize that your feelings mean nothing. Anyone you feel “love” towards will eventually abandon you and find meaning somewhere else in life… probably while happily in the arms of somebody else.
Chances are you will also have the unfortunate opportunity to see just how happy and fulfilled they are together in a wedding photo as your heart splits in half and begins dying a slow and cold death that can only be eased with the numbness of alcohol as the effects of time and gravity eat away at your body and pull you inevitably towards the grave.
As bitter memories of your broken and failed life surround your mind in old age, you will probably die alone in a small, blue room all by yourself while staring at the floor in a state of extreme depression.
2. Your college education is probably not going to help you in the long run.
No matter how smart and educated you become in life, it will probably not help you in the long run. Most people who actually work for a living know what they are doing while professors live smug, protected lives within the high realm of academia as they push needless amounts of homework on young people who are too busy fucking each-other in dreary dormitories full of old carpet that reeks of naïve pleasure and lost tuition money.
The sad truth about higher education is that it does not exactly lead to enlightenment. Highly educated and intelligent people will attack each-other just as viciously as brutal men used to do in the cages of the Roman Empire before they were released into a gladiator fight.
Being in college involves listening to their bullshit while living in an ugly dormitory surrounded by assholes.
If you are lucky enough, however, some of the assholes you are forced to live with may actually commit suicide.
3. Put the books away and spend some time practicing proper form.
Whether you’re educated or non-educated, you’re basically going to end up serving somebody else in a doomed, stressful, and meaningless hierarchy that would make even the devil cringe. Educated people and non-educated people basically have to do the same thing, and you know exactly what I’m talking about.
So before you get too far into the books, make sure that you spend some time practicing proper form. It’s not really that hard….
All it involves is getting down on your knees and putting your head forward after you slowly unzip the pants of your Corporate Masters.
4. The next time you take a shit, put it on Facebook.
People really aren’t being honest when they use Facebook to present a glorified image of their own lives and how much fun they are having. They also aren’t being honest when they take “selfies” with smart phones or webcams in a desperate attempt to show the world just how beautiful they are. Nobody is beautiful. People are basically ugly, selfish, and doomed on the inside…and their lives are a complete, irreversible, fucking mess.
Don’t be like other people; be creative and original.
The next time you painfully squeeze out a big, giant log after eating a jalapeño-flavored beef-and-bean burrito along with an entire box of macaroni and cheese…put it out there for people to see. Tell them how your life is really going. Be honest.
5. The internet needs more poop… especially when it comes to online dating.
Romance doesn’t happen the way it used to in the old days where people actually met each-other in person. They didn’t have the luxury of looking at an image of someone while thinking, “Hey, that person looks attractive… maybe I can connect my dysfunctional life with that person.”
As a result of this, the internet is awash with pictures of penises and boobs as people flirt with each-other and form online relationships. But there really isn’t a lot of poop out there if you take some time to think about it.
The perfectly formed crevices and cracks of the exquisite tree trunk that you pushed out of your asshole after a night of eating too much cheese probably says more about your personality than your face or your past history actually do.
6. Never work at a hotel.
When people send images of their genitalia to each other, they often fantasize about blowing their loads together as they stare into each other’s eyes while completely disregarding how much of a mess the cleaning lady at the cheap hotel is going to have to clean up in the morning.
How would you like to be the one who has to wake up in the morning and take all those love-stained bed-sheets to the laundry? They were probably listening to dreamy 80’s love songs while making love like a couple of wild animals as they unleased their love fluids all over the place. In fact, the woman probably put her legs underneath the man’s legs so that he could watch her ass bounce up and down on his cock before he pulled out and blew a load all over her back that eventually dribbled down the curvaceous sides of her love rump before settling down and finding a permanent home on those bed sheets.
You may want to apply at your local factory instead.
7. Make sure you have at least five friends.
There is a popular chain letter out there about how angels are watching over you and have seen your struggles. It goes something like this: “I sent an angel to watch over you, but it came back and asked why… angels don’t watch over angels.” The chain letter then claims that karma will come into your life, fix your problems, and that tomorrow will be the best day of your life….but only if you forward the letter to five friends.
My friend Billy received that chain letter after his girlfriend broke up with him. Believing that there may be some hope in the world, he sent it out to all of his friends and then blissfully waited for tomorrow to arrive.
The problem was that Billy only had four friends. So, guess what happened?
A demonically-possessed, three-eyed, winged leprechaun from outer space burst through his living room door, tied him to a chair, and forced him to eat numerous jars of expired pickled cabbage while watching the entire movie Good Will Hunting… despite the fact that he finds the movie extremely boring and highly irrelevant to his own life.
When the movie was over, the leprechaun pulled Billy’s pants down and butt-fucked him for several hours until he became delirious and cross-eyed. Just when poor Billy thought he could take no more punishment, the leprechaun turned him around, slapped him a few times, and then made some inappropriate remarks about the interior decorating of his living room before jamming a poorly-sharpened number-2 pencil into his penis hole.
Make sure you spend some more time socializing before you actually receive that chain letter.