The sequel to “7 Things Your Guidance Counselor Isn't Going to Tell You in High School.”

Warning: This article, much like the author who wrote it, has no integrity whatsoever. Very little intelligence was expressed, logical thought patterns were not utilized, and the actual content of the article was blown completely out of proportion. The material is also not very transitional. If you were hoping to read something good, I would recommend the driver's manual in the cheap automobile you purchased from the shady car salesman in your local community.

READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

1. Learn to be happy with the small things in life.

I don't know about you, but I tend to get really excited about the small things in life. For example, I found a really neat-looking blue cell phone while I was shopping last weekend. When I saw that the phone only cost $30, my penis fell out of my boxer-briefs. After the customer service lady told me it was on sale and that I could purchase it for only $26.95, I sprouted a rather large boner. When I found out that the cell phone had free video games and a calendar on it, I blew my entire load out so forcefully that it shot right through my khaki pants and sprayed all over the customer service counter.

Needless to say, I was very happy about finding such a good deal.

(Before you proceed with the rest of this article, I need you to be aware of the fact that I have numerous, unresolved emotional problems. But just ignore that for now and proceed to #2.)

2. Avoid stress.

If you want to remain a positive-minded person throughout your life, then you need to avoid things that will cause you stress. I've found that a tremendous amount of anxiety and stress often stem from things like interacting with other people, engaging in projects and activities, trying new hobbies, striving to improve myself as a person, being a part of the community, helping those in need, and waking up in the morning.

The one thing these activities all have in common is that they involve a needless amount of work. People often think that contributing to charity, being a good friend, and helping their neighbors will make them feel better about life, but endeavors like these will only add to your list of “Things to Do.” If you want to be happy, stop doing things that are going to cause you to work harder.

Committing yourself to doing kind-hearted deeds that cause you even more labor is kind of like trying to look through a “glory hole” to see what's on the other side, and then wondering why you have a dick in your eye.

In other words, it's just not a good idea.

3. Be careful when looking for that special someone.

We all get lonely sometimes, and we all want to meet that special someone who will be the love of our lives. However, you have to be careful when looking for a romantic partner. If you do meet someone who is interested in you and who wants to take things to a deeper level, then you have to realize that that person is going to need things like love and attention. In today's modern and fast-paced society, who really has time for those sorts of things?

Living, loving, laughing, and enjoying special moments with someone sounds great, but I'm a busy man, and I have very little time for such tomfoolery!

Even the process of just looking for someone takes time, effort, and commitment. On top of that, your chances of meeting the right person for a long-term, compatible relationship are slim. (For example, most women are looking for strong, self-confident, assertive men. I don't fit that profile because I'm submissive, and I like to get pushed around and beaten.) But that aside, most people in relationships and marriages change their minds a few years down the road anyway.

Break-ups and divorces are more common than oil and tissue paper in a seedy massage parlor. (That wasn't really a good comparison, but I don't have time to apologize for it; fuck you!)

Ultimately, investing in true love is a dead end road. After all the time and effort that you put into it, you're eventually going to be left with nothing but a broken heart, lots of empty vodka bottles, and some extremely ugly children with no futures. If you want to remain a positive-minded person, don't look for love, stick with the things you're good at. Things such as:

  • Drinking mass quantities of beer
  • Occasionally causing traffic accidents
  • Wasting valuable time at work
  • Ruining parties and social gatherings by showing up
  • Staring at fake tits
  • Touching yourself
  • Paying for sex on weekends

4. Clean off the toilet seat at work when you have to poop, and then don't clean it off afterwards.

There is nothing more disgusting than a toilet seat that has been used by someone else. Other people consume very disgusting things like ramen noodles, beans, candy bars, aspartame-loaded energy drinks, preservative-loaded beef, and gas station hot dogs. Who would want to sit on a toilet seat after that sort of bombardment?

The kimchee-flavored, chili-cheese, pepper-sprinkled, pan-fried, spaghetti meatballs loaded with steak sauce and onions that I washed down the other night with half a bottle of Southern Comfort are certainly not disgusting at all. (Yeah, it does tend to leave a little bit of side damage in the toilet bowl in terms of dark-brown, runny stains that won't come off with the most highly-powered toilet bowl cleaner, but it's not my job to apologize for things.)

Because I have high blood sugar, a few cognitive deficiencies, a caffeine addiction, and a dysfunctional left kidney, I also like to pee on the toilet seat before I leave the restroom.

It is also very essential that you never poop at home before going to work. Always poop on “company time.” There is nothing better than getting paid to take a shit! It's good to maintain a healthy division between your work life and your home life.

5. Don't go to college.

College is nothing more than a rather unfortunate conglomeration of stress and heartbreak. People who go to school are too young to really know themselves, anyway.

In college, you're going to meet someone who shatters your heart completely, and you're going to be left with a deep empty feeling inside your soul that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

When it first happens, you will feel a deep pain in your chest as sorrow flows relentlessly through the rest of your body. As your heart breaks softly and slowly, the agony penetrates deep within and causes a sad waterfall of tears to flow down both of your cheeks. You sit at your dorm room desk for hours feeling like your world has just fallen apart as you stare emptily at the books in front of you. (You had to pick the books back up off of the floor because you actually dropped them when your fragile heart split in half.)

Tremendous ripple effects of horrible pain and depression that can't be described or even reckoned with continue to wreak havoc on your entire being as you struggle to read the words of a textbook that you don't really care about in the first place. The professor is probably going to flunk you at the end of the semester with a really hard exam, anyway.

When you get out of high school, just start working at your local factory and begin saving money so that you can eventually treat yourself to an extremely good time by paying for really hot sex with a gorgeous prostitute overseas. That would be a much better and less stressful way to get through life.

You can also save yourself for the creepy, lonely, old woman at the bar who keeps looking at you like you are a fresh piece of meat.

Hey! They need love, too.

6. Trying to improve yourself as a person is never going to work.

Education and “life-long” learning are not going to make you a better person. Your soul is rotten, poisonous, and corrupt, and you are basically just a worthless piece of shit like everybody else. Being an over-achiever and trying to better yourself through education, religion, and motivational seminars isn't going to improve that crud-infested thing that you actually call a soul. Being proud of all the things you are involved in while celebrating your extracurricular achievements basically just makes you an even bigger dildo.

You are actually not a beautiful person, and you are not that special, either! You are replaceable! Taking “selfies” with your smart phone, boosting up your resume, and adding “style” to your dating profile is nothing more than a guiltless form of promoting yourself to the rest of the world. The best thing you can do is give up on yourself immediately. The more you try to project yourself onto the rest of humanity, the worse the Earth is going to be for the rest of us.

If you are honest with yourself as a person and if you look carefully within, then I'm sure you'll see nothing but cold, empty tunnels of darkness as well as a complicated labyrinth of lonely hallways that never seem to end. A “feel-good” seminar about positive thinking is never going to change that, either.

The truth hurts, but at least the pressure of trying to improve yourself is gone. You can't fix yourself as a human being, so you may as well just relax, keep being yourself, and enjoy all of the things that make you special such as:

  • Playing on your cell phone constantly
  • Shopping
  • Cheating on your partner
  • Stabbing people in the back
  • Judging other people rather harshly while never considering your own egotistical arrogance
  • Treating your own children like they are the best thing that ever happened while falsely assuming that the rest of the world should cater to their needs

7. Your future is hopeless and your career will go nowhere.

Schools and universities like to hide behind the phrase, “lifelong learning.” They claim that they are turning students into “lifelong learners,” but what they are actually doing is producing “lifelong servants.” (Yes! This means you! You are a lifelong servant!) Don't get me wrong. I'm not putting the entire institution of education down. Throughout your time in school, you have learned to read, write, solve math problems, participate in sports, conform to trends and the opinions of your peers, obey authority, and use technology that will be rendered obsolete shortly after you graduate.

However, no matter how high your academic or technical training goes, you will never be able to escape the reality that your sole purpose in life is to obey the rules of the wealthy class, your corporate leaders, and those who have positions of direct authority over you at your place of employment. This is your fate until you are simply too old and exhausted to move around or even think for yourself. So don't be too proud of your educational achievements. You're still basically just someone else's “bitch,” and the best way to ensure your professional future is to put your face down, bend over, and say, “Yes! I really enjoy what's happening to my anus right now! Please keep giving it to me as hard as you possibly can! It feels great! Thank you!”

I'm not trying to discourage you or make you depressed. I'm just saying that your life doesn't matter and that you are nothing more than an interchangeable part of the machinery that keeps our dysfunctional society going. (I also forgot to mention that your face looks stupid, that nobody loves you, and that your significant other is probably cheating on you at this very moment.)

Celebrate and enjoy your graduation ceremony when you get there because the rest of your life is going to be filled with stress, noise, pressure, obligations, deadlines, increasing expenses, bills, overwhelming demands, lack of free time, divorce, exhaustion, alcoholism, and continual work that is not personally satisfying. You do have the option of “thinking outside the box” and using alternative strategies in order to attain success and happiness, but always remember that there is a correctional facility nearby that has a spot available just for you.

In other words, You are completely fucked!

So grab your books, head to class, and don't forget to have a wonderful day!


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