« Back to Part 1, "7 Keys for Successful Living"

1. Remain balanced on political and social issues.

Whenever I’m out in public, I consider it extremely important to maintain a masculine image. I was driving down the highway in my Buick Skylark the other day smoking a Virginia Slim while cranking the volume to my favorite Whitney Houston classic, "I Wanna Dance with Somebody," when I suddenly heard and felt several loud thumps on the front end of my car. Apparently, I had failed to notice the small group of young people on the side of the road who were protesting by carrying signs that said "Pro-Life."

If you are completely secure with yourself and you have a strong sense of inner peace, then STOP HELPING OTHER PEOPLE!

I felt extremely awful about what I had done. As I stood there looking at the blood-streaked pro-life signs amidst the bodies that were strewn across the street, I wondered if there was any possible way to fix the terrible thing that had just happened. I wondered if there was something I could do to provide some sort of balance to this extremely horrible and unfortunate situation.

Suddenly, an idea came to mind.

I jumped back into my car and turned around. After revving up my engine several times, I stepped on the gas and proceeded to drive at full speed down the other side of the highway directly toward a small group of young people who were protesting by carrying signs that said "Pro-Choice."

Taking the "middle road" on most social and political issues should keep you on relatively "safe ground." No pun intended. Actually, the pun was intended, so fuck you!

Chalkboard with success and failure written on it

2. Develop interesting and challenging goals.

Life is too precious and short to be wasted. It’s important to do the things you’ve always wanted to do…because you may never get another chance. In Canada, there are roads that go so far north that they simply end due to the deep arctic freeze. Be brave, take the initiative, and plan your trip on one of these roads. Live up to the words in Robert Frost’s poem and take the road less travelled. People might say things like, "Oh my God, what’s wrong with you?" and "You are so lame," but don’t let such negative statements stop you from doing truly magnificent and profound things.

3. Utilize strategies for controlling your temper.

Things happen all the time that frustrate people and make life difficult. One of the keys to success is to never become too aggravated by the smaller things in life. Becoming frustrated and losing your temper is bad for your health. It can also isolate you from the people who care about you, so be sure to use good, effective strategies for controlling your anger and venting your frustration in healthy ways.

For example, I was driving on a road leading out of town the other day, and I noticed that a minivan was tailing me very closely. I sped up a little bit because my turn was coming up, and I wanted to put some distance between us. Right after I put my left turn signal on, the minivan sped past me in the left lane.

I was so baffled by this incredibly stupid behavior that I actually forgot to honk my horn. Needless to say, I was extremely angry. Instead of losing my temper, I went to the book store. I went directly to the "Self-Help" section and found a book on anger management. However, I thought the book was poorly written, so I threw it on the floor and stomped on it. I then proceeded to the "Witchcraft" section of the bookstore to see if there was some way I could put a curse on the driver of the minivan.

After I found what I was looking for, I jumped back into my Buick Skylark and drove around searching for people who looked stupid. When I saw two teenagers walking down the sidewalk with their pants below their asses, I ran them over.

This was a good example of anger management for two reasons. First, I didn’t lose my temper right away. I found an intellectual and sophisticated way to get back at the driver of the minivan. Second, I successfully took out two morons who, for some reason, didn’t know how to wear their pants properly…which I consider to be an act of community service.

4. Re-think your desire to help other people.

Helping other people, contributing to charity, doing volunteer work, fighting for causes, and trying to improve the overall quality of the world…all things that sound great in theory. But if you really think about it, many of the people who do this type of work are only doing it because they have an internal, deeply-rooted, and profoundly troubling sense of guilt…and they will do anything they can in order to feel better about themselves. They are either trying to earn extra bonus points in Heaven, or they actually did some really naughty things in the past and they are now trying to make up for it. They may also be psychologically disturbed and in desperate need of medication. Who really knows?

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If you are completely secure with yourself and you have a strong sense of inner peace, then do the decent thing for once…and STOP HELPING PEOPLE!

If you feel guilt-free and you are not conflicted about anything you did in the past, then just kick back, crack open a case of beer, and let the world’s problems take care of themselves. Doing anything more than this would be egotistical on your part. Who are you to think you can fix the world or solve anybody else’s problems?

In fact…after you get half-way through your case of beer, you may even decide to cause a few problems yourself. Think of it as your own form of charity work. You are causing problems for guilty, internally-conflicted people to fix so that they can do something that will make them feel better about themselves.

5. FOR MEN: Don’t move too fast in relationships.

The initial stages of attraction are often the most difficult and clumsy, especially if you are a male. When you start to develop feelings for a woman, you will experience a rather painful and sick feeling inside….almost as if your heart is being wrung out like a dish rag. Feelings of intense nausea will also begin to set in. But don’t worry, this is completely normal. It’s just your heart’s way of desperately screaming out "WHAT THE FUCK? I WAS DOING JUST FINE IN HERE ALL BY MYSELF. WHY ARE YOU DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR THIS WOMAN? YOU ARE GOING TO GET ME KILLED!"

Just ignore this cry of desperation. Your heart will, of course, resort to pleading with your brain. It will ask your brain to reason with you so that you don’t do anything stupid like falling in love, but your brain won’t answer because it is too busy pondering the latest academic article you read on hyperactive, suicidal nymphomaniacs who hang themselves on ceiling fans in public restaurants. As you proceed to get closer and closer to the woman of your affection, your heart will eventually give up and resign itself to the horrible, devastating trauma that it will soon experience before it dies a slow, agonizing death filled with excruciating torment and earth-shattering pain.

Now that your heart has finally given up and is no longer pestering you with desperate pleas to spare its life, you are free to progress through the initial stages of attraction and affection. However, it is essential that you do not move too fast. Take things slowly. If you are anything like me (and I’m sure you are), then you probably want nothing more than for this woman of your dreams to rub her large, beautiful breasts up and down your back before spanking you with an old-fashioned hairbrush until you start bleeding and crying. But just relax. You are not at that point in the relationship yet. Take things easy and discuss some of your common intellectual interests…such as hyperactive, suicidal nymphomaniacs who hang themselves on ceiling fans in public restaurants.

6. FOR WOMEN: If a nice, intelligent, sensitive young man offers you his heart, try hard not to kill it.

At some point in your life, you will be approached by a nice, intelligent, sensitive young man who wishes to give you his heart. Try really hard not to kill it. You may or may not be attracted to this young man who has sincere feelings for you. Who knows? You might even be entertaining thoughts of dating him. All I ask is that you refrain from acting on your initial instinct, which is to pull his heart out of his chest, stab it with a freshly sharpened knife, throw it on the ground, stomp on it with expensive high-heeled shoes, and then proceed to eat the man’s face off.

Please fight your natural and instinctive desire to do this to the naïve, innocent soul who feels attracted to you. Have pity on him. You probably already have a half-retarded, smelly, brutal, stupid boyfriend who is going to cheat on you and smack you around for the next 20-30 years anyway. So why bother crushing this young man’s heart?

Yes, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking it would be really fun to lead him on for a while, make him think that he has a chance, and then strap him to a table so that you can step on his testicles while surgically removing his heart with a chain-saw. Please don’t do this either. It’s not a very nice thing to do. This man is intelligent, sensitive, caring, and he has sincere feelings for you. In other words, he’s not your type and you want to get rid of him. There is a relatively painless way to do this.

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Just tell him you have a penis.

7. Be sensitive, but not too sensitive.

Sometimes life can be painful and overwhelming. Everyone needs a good cry once in a while just to let everything out. However, crying too much is never a good thing.

Let me tell you a little story. There was once a young woman named Stephanie. Stephanie was unemployed and she desperately needed to find work, so she took a job as a bartender at a local bar and grill. Little did she realize that bartending is really hard work.

Her first night started off relatively well. She came in at 5:00 in the evening, and the crowd was both small and easy to deal with. However, as the evening progressed, things became more and more difficult. Orders for beverages and food were coming in faster and faster. Customers became moody and insulting when their drinks didn’t come right away. Two drunk men began hitting on Stephanie and saying really inappropriate things to her. Amidst all the noise and activity, one angry customer yelled at her and refused to pay for his food because his burger wasn’t fully cooked.

Stephanie finally became overwhelmed. She walked out of the bar, sat down at the nearby picnic table, and began crying.

Sarah, the lead bartender, noticed that Stephanie was gone, so she went outside to look for her. When she saw Stephanie at the picnic table sobbing, she was really angry at first. She walked over and asked Stephanie what was wrong. Stephanie let it all out. Apparently it wasn’t just the stress of the new job that was overwhelming her. Her husband had recently left her for another woman, she was struggling to raise two children on her own, her mother was sick and in the hospital, and her dog had recently died.

When Sarah heard just how stressful and tragic Stephanie’s life had become, she sat down at the picnic table, put both of her arms around Stephanie…and began crying.

The manager of the bar, a rather large and burly man named Mike, soon noticed that both of his bartenders were gone, so he went outside to look for them. When he saw them both sitting at the picnic table sobbing, he was really angry at first. But when Sarah told him just how stressful and tragic Stephanie’s life had become, he sat down at the picnic table next to both of them…and began crying.

The two drunk men who had been hitting on Stephanie soon noticed that both bartenders were gone and that their drinks were empty, so they went outside to look for them. When they saw both bartenders and the manager sitting at the picnic table crying, they were really angry at first.

"What the fuck is this all about?" they hollered. With tears rolling down his face, the manager beckoned the two drunk men over. When Mike told them just how stressful and tragic Stephanie’s life had become, they sat down at the picnic table next to him…and threw up. Then they began crying.

The angry customer who had refused to pay for his food soon noticed that nobody was around to fry him another burger, so he went outside to look for everyone. When he saw 5 people sitting at the picnic table crying, he was really angry at first.

"Where the fuck is my burger?" he hollered. With tears rolling down both of their faces, the two drunk men beckoned the angry customer over. When they told him just how stressful and tragic Stephanie’s life had become, he stood there for a few seconds…and began crying.

When the two drunk men saw the angry customer crying, they started crying even harder…and then they threw up on him. As wretched, slimy puke oozed down his shirt and onto his pants, the angry customer grew sick and threw up on Mike the manager. Mike, in turn, grew sick and threw up on Sarah, the lead bartender. Sarah, who was still hugging Stephanie, grew sick and threw up all over Stephanie’s face. Stephanie grew sick and threw up in Sarah’s mouth. Sarah turned around and threw up on Mike’s crotch. Mike turned around and threw up on the two drunk men, who then threw up on each other. After watching everybody puke, the angry customer grew sick and threw up on himself.

When everybody finally stopped throwing up, they all remained silent for a moment…and then they began crying again.

Everybody was so busy crying that nobody noticed the Buick Skylark that had veered off the road and was heading straight towards them.

The driver of the car had just thrown up on himself because he was drunk. His vision was also blurred because the Whitney Houston classic, "I Will Always Love You," had been playing on the radio…

…and he was crying.

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