1. Category 4 Hurricane

It starts off as a tropical storm created by an influx of cold Sammy Adams on a massive low pressure trough of tequila near Juarez. Then the rapidly-swirling vortex of alcohol intensifies as a large mass of Corona streams in from the southwest, touching off tens of banana daiquiris in its deadly wake. For the love of God, please seek shelter!

2. Phillips Screwdriver

One part vodka, one part orange juice, one part milk of magnesia. Invented by Jeb Bush, aided by a team of research proctologists from Brigham Young University. Just add optional ingredients prune juice and pure oat bran and it becomes variant cocktail “U.S. Congress.”

3. Manhattan Project

Developed by Robert Oppenheimer’s team of atomic scientists at a sports bar near Los Alamos, NM, it will completely vaporize your cares and worries. There may be some mild side effects, but no worries—like they say, two heads are better than one. For the love of God, duck and cover!

4. Rum and Diet Coke

Aka “Rum and Hideous Elixir of Death from the Bowels of Hell Which Will Send Your Taste Buds into Self-Imposed Exile in the Himalayas.” Alternatively, you may want to try one of these much better-tasting drinks: “Rum and Drano,” “Rum and Clorox,” “Rum and Syrup of Ipecac,” or “Rum and Goat Urine.”

5. Free Range Yogurt-Infused White Unitarians of Brentwood

Sure, it starts out innocently enough. Just sitting around the campfire singing, “Find the Cost of Freedom.” But when you find yourself in the middle of a burning melee of horribly-mangled Volvos with everyone violently screaming “Fuck the man!” as the teargas canisters whizz by your head, you will wish you had just ordered a nice Rum and Goat Urine.

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6. Zombie Apocalypse

The same as a regular Zombie, only with Everclear instead of 80-proof rum. Composed mostly of pure, undiluted ethyl alcohol, this drink can also be used to strip paint from cars, dissolve corrosive rust from machinery, and instantly kill pesky small- to medium-sized rodents.

7. Friends in Lohan Places

This drink consists of the entire inventory of Lindsay Lohan’s secret, underground alcohol depository. The expansive, $21 million state-of-the art facility was completed in February 2015 by major defense contractor Rockwell International. The combined gross storage capacity of the complex is an estimated 712,003 gallons. So yeah, I hope you have plenty of salted peanuts.

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