With great power comes great responsibility, and the same goes for fame. There are a lucky few who manage to achieve a level of recognition that puts them in a position to influence the masses. What they choose as their platform can change the course of many lives.

In Charlie Sheen’s case, it was spreading sexually transmitted diseases and winning. In Shia LaBeouf’s case, it was finding new and improved ways of making people think he is a douchebag.

Gwyneth, on the other hand, decided to go the classy way, creating a website in which she makes recommendations of services and goods that no one really needs and which are exclusively available to entitled rich folks.

If you ever have time to kill, you might want to try browsing the Goop website, where you’ll find an array of products that would make even the snobbiest of people cream their pants. But the most baffling entries you’ll find there are the terrifyingly real ones about items that should be inserted into a very delicate and coveted part of the female body.

1. A Racist Dildo

One of the items the Gooper would like women to stick inside themselves is the infamous “Mandingo.” According to Naturotica Wellness, the company that sells Mandingo, you can “caress your chakras with this beautiful love wand,” which can also heighten intuition and increase creativity. The description goes on to say that “the wand,” detoxifies internal organs, can help with blood-related problems and will also give its owner courage and teach it to avoid dangerous situations.

It’s just a shame the Goop website wasn’t online when J. K. Rowling was writing her books. Harry Potter would have been a completely different type of wizard if the wand he chose at Ollivander’s had actually been the Mandingo.

2. Steam

The internet went bananas in the beginning of 2015, when Paltrow wrote about the wonders of steaming the almighty clam. On a post about Santa Monica’s Tikkun Spa, the Gooper raved about the “Mugwort V-Steam,” a throne-like device that shoots both steam and infrared rays into the uterus, not as a way of recreating a rock concert inside this reproductive organ, but as a way to clean it and also balance the female hormone levels.

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The post inspired a number of health professionals to write posts of their own, warning women against boiling their lady bits, pointing out there is no scientific evidence to backup Paltrow’s claims, and that the practice could actually be harmful. Even the herb used for the treatment can be called into question, since it’s not only used in China for medical purposes, but also to season food.

So if you want to feel as fancy as Gwyneth, in a more affordable way, skip the spa and just draw yourself a hot bath sprinkled with oregano. It won’t balance your hormone levels, but at least you’ll end up tasting like pizza.

3. The Jade Egg

Perhaps it was her breakup with Chris Martin, or perhaps she watched that incredibly tacky scene in Gigli where JLo’s character describes the female sexual organ, but Paltrow really does seem to hate the vagina. Why else would she keep suggesting products that are meant to disturb the peace and balance of the quiet but dignified bajango?

Cue the Jade Egg, an oval-shaped stone meant to be carried around, on the inside.

Why, you ask?

Because women don’t have enough trouble walking in high heels, they also want to walk as if they constantly needed to use the bathroom. This “magical” stone is said to “harness the power of energy work, crystal healing and a Kegel-like physical practice.”

The wonder-stone is also said to detox, and increase orgasms, hormonal balance and feminine energy in general. Because nothing says “feminine” like walking around with a bacteria-laden stone tampon inside you.

4. A 24 Karat Gold Dildo

Over the last two decades, Gwyneth has graduated from the pasty-faced wife in Se7en nobody really cared about until her head popped up in a box, into a grown woman with refined tastes who will only flick her bean with items that can be mistaken for pieces of art. Her vagina is now so upscale, Pasty McBlondie recommends that you buy what is described as “the world’s most exclusive massager.”

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Costing a mere $12,000, this practical 24 karat gold downstairs buddy will help both Catholic and Jewish women feel guilty after purchase. The INEZ comes with a one-year warranty, preventing you from having to go on a jewelry store heist if their golden aid stops working mid-session.

5. A Bluetooth Tampon

Another item Gwyneth would like to see you place inside yourself is Elvie. No, Elvie it is not a short, elderly woman with white hair and red-rimmed glasses, it’s a “Pelvic Floor Exercise Tracker,” which can be paired with an app to make a game out of exercising your punani.

“As you do your Kegels, you can watch a little diamond bounce up and down on the screen, depending on the strength or frequency of your clenching motion.” The item was sold-out on the Goop website within hours of being made available, mostly bought by people who don’t want to keep paying to level up on Candy Crush Saga.

6. Fecal Perfume

The last item on this list is actually meant not to be put inside you, but on something that comes out of you, which means it can be used by both men and women. Aesop’s Post-Poo Drops is, well, a pretty self-explanatory product: a citrusy liquid you add to the toilet water after you finish “dropping some knowledge.”

Forget the dark era in which you were forced to keep a matchbox in the bathroom in order to cast away the evil spirits left lurking in your toilet bowl after a particularly spicy enchilada. With Aesop’s Post-Poo Drops, not only will your business not stink, but you’ll start going out of your way to go number 2 in other people’s houses, just so that you can let them know your shit smells like lemonade.

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