1. A harmonica holder your dad used in his one-man band.

Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your independence, the use of your hands, or your dad!

2. Menstrual blood-covered leggings like marathoner Kiran Gandhi!

They’re a great way to show that this isn’t a shotgun wedding and that your days of dressing up for this asshole are over. Tim wears the same dumb fucking hoodie every goddamn day. Why can’t you sit in your sin?

3. A strap-on.

Nothing will stop relatives from asking if you’re trying to start a family faster. So go ahead! Show Grandma Carol who’s fucking who!

4. What you want to be buried in and a sign that says, “This is what I want to be buried in.”

Once you’ve reached the alter, simply climb into the casket you placed tastefully by the groom, and request that everyone come up and stare into your blank, married eyes.

5. The corpse of your fiancé, slung over your shoulder like a fine pelt made from the skin of a dire wolf that tried valiantly to make you its conquest.

But no!  “I won’t share the remote with you!” you shouted. “I won’t watch Game of Thrones unless it helps with extended, violent metaphors!” And by your sword, you slayed Grey Wind during the Red Wedding. Now, wearing its bloody flesh as a symbol of your victory, you have returned from the Twins, and your guests joyfully celebrate your arrival. Well, not Tim’s guests. They really thought he’d be alive.

6. Once you’ve chosen one of these options, it’s time to accessorize!

Polish off your single lady look with some NuvaRing bangles! Birth control’s free now, you ain’t no virgin, and your groom is dead!

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