In recent times the internet has been swamped with rumors about the new Star Wars films. Every wannabe Jedi or Sith has thrown their blaster into the ring, furiously stating that it’s their own personal favorite who deserves the spin-off treatment. While it’s fun to imagine our fan-fiction wet dreams brought to life, though, it’s important to realize that every character in the Star Wars universe brings both positive and negative attributes to the table, and that these factors have to be weighed carefully before green-lighting a feature-length movie. Just one slip-up and we’ll be watching the kid from Jingle All the Way playing Darth Vader all over again.

Jingle All the Way (movie)
What could possibly go wrong?

Here are six characters that could be given their own Star Wars films, and what good and bad would come from doing so.

1. Yoda

Introduced in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is a Jedi Master and the trainer of many a young padawan. Lives in something of a fixer-upper.

George Lucas with Yoda
"Kill you to put some curtains in here George, would it?"

Pros

If Yoda proved one thing it’s that size doesn’t matter (providing you can do triple somersaults and have Mark Hamill available to carry you around in a backpack). A classic underdog, he defied all expectations to become a truly beloved character, and assured that midgets at Star Wars conventions would never have to stoop to dressing as Ewoks.

Cons

Yoda is famous for his pidgin English and crazy voice, which is hilarious…in very, very small doses. Having to listen to two hours of it could prove more painful than spending a trans-continental flight sitting next to Jabba the Hutt. A film focusing on Yoda could also rob the character of some of his mysteries (e.g. What race is he? Where did he come from? Do he and Grover from Sesame Street ever party together? Did they really do that with Ms Piggy?).


2. Han Solo

A nogoodnick smuggler who rose up to become a star member of the rebel alliance. Responsible for more dampened space-panties than incontinence and the Aliens films combined.

Pros

You can’t spell "loveable rogue" without "loveable." Han was the heartbeat of the original saga, giving the lads someone to aspire to, and the ladies someone to mentally picture while their boyfriends made them wear Leia’s gold fetish bikini to bed again. It goes without saying that any of his earlier adventures would likely be filled with plenty of action, adventure, and copious amounts of hitting hyperdrive to avoid pesky intergalactic paternity suites.

Alien seat belt
"Strap yourselves in. I’m going to make the jump to light speed."

Cons

Recreating Yoda means time spent in front of a computer, or at worst, digging through George Lucas’ checked shirts to find his puppet collection. Recreating Han Solo means finding an actor that can ape Harrison Ford’s famous looks and mannerisms. In today’s Hollywood, where most young males are as masculine as C3P0 preparing for a vaginal wax, this may prove something of a problem. The last actor to play a younger version of a Harrison ford character was River Phoenix, becoming a young Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade, though we’re going to assume that he won’t be available for the role (due to the small matter of spending the last 19 years being dead).

RELATED:  Top 5 Sexiest Male Ghosts

3. Obi-Wan

A legendary Jedi who played a large part in the tutelage of both Annakin and Luke Skywalker, helping to shape the fate of the entire galaxy. Learned everything he knew from Liam Neeson (presumably by watching Taken thirteen times in a row).

Jedi Skywalker
"Now, Obi-Wan, watch as I use the force to build a makeshift electric chair so I can brutally interrogate this foreign stereotype."

Pros

Obi-Wan is one of Star Wars‘ most fully realized characters. He carries the guilt of failing Annakin, the emotional burden of trying to set Luke on the right path, and is an essential link between the original and prequel trilogies. A film showing what he was up to between Episodes 3 and 4 of the saga would give great insight into just how much things changed in the universe when Darth Vader came to town. In addition, he is played by a quality actor in the form of Ewan McGregor; the handsomest Scotsman since Sean Connery wore bright orange fetish underwear in Zardoz.

Cons

Short Scottish kilt
The real reason you never look up a Scotsman’s kilt.
The Star Wars expanded universe states that many events occur between Episodes 3 and 4 of the saga. Unfortunately, not so many of them involve Obi-Wan. While he does eventually see a bit of action, far too much of his time is spent being exiled in the Tattooine desert, hanging around the cantina, and spying on pre-pubescent boys working on moisture farms. There are also viewers who can’t warm to the character because of his balls-up in not killing Vader/Annakin when the time was right (i.e. when Annakin was a fucking annoying kid).


4. Boba Fett

Masked bounty hunter extraordinaire, who has worked for Vader, Jabba, and many other of the galaxy’s seedier types over the years. Still refused to take a position with Fox News on the basis of moral grounds.

Pros

With guns, gadgets, and more cool then the entire inhabitants of Hoth combined, Boba Fett is easily one of the most beloved Star Wars characters ever. Making a stand-alone film for him seem like a given. Countless books, comics, and games have been launched into the Star Wars extended universe to cover his back story, and whether he is squaring off against zombies or attacking a herd of gungans with an acid-spraying gun, Boba never fails to bring the smack-down.

Boba Fett / Jar Jar lookalike
If you squint and look closely you might still recognize Jar Jar.

Cons

Boba’s back-story was revealed in Episode 2, but the scenes showing him alongside his dad/clone Jango Fett divided the Star Wars community. Some liked the addition, whereas others felt that it robbed the character of some of his mystery—do people really want to watch the galaxy’s most badass bounty hunter before he’s had the chance to ball hairs yet? There is also the fact that it is impossible to make any adventures about him set in the future, due to the fact that he died in Return of the Jedi via falling head-first into a giant sandy vagina.

RELATED:  The 7 Worst Parts of Having a Food Allergy

5. Darth Maul

Sith Lord and apprentice of Darth Sidious. Was being a general evil dick across the universe whilst Vader was still sending his Pampers to the dark side on Tattooine.

Pros

Maul is widely recognized as being a) a Star Wars fan favorite, and b) killed off way too early, making him the complete opposite of 95% of the characters in The Phantom Menace. In addition to having the best lightsaber and more tattoos than David Beckham being gang-banged by the cast of Miami Ink, the character also has an interesting back story, involving witches, tribal rituals, and a collection of high-profile assassinations. Seeing more of him on screen would help ease the pain of his premature demise in Episode 1, and also give us an insight into why Palpatine/Darth Sidious is seemingly so desperate to have younger men serve under him.

Pope blessing a child
"What, kid; you got a better offer?"

Cons

The fact that Darth Maul is such a nasty piece of work might make it hard for some audience members to identify with him—watching a movie devoted to him killing off jedi would be a bit like having a film where Hannibal Lector spends 90 minutes turning Jodie Foster into a BBQ steak and rib combo. Whilst some of us have no trouble cheering for the bad guy, others might find it as fun as finding one of Chewy’s pubes in their soap. It also has to be considered that bringing the character to the screen requires more money spent on makeup per day then it takes for Madonna to appear semi-human.


6. Jabba the Hutt

Famous intergalactic crime lord. Best not to get stuck behind him at a buffet.

Pros

Jabba may look like something you would have found floating in Elvis’ toilet bowl, but it is clear that the guy has a taste for the finer things in life. Girls, entertainment, gambling, exotic pets, hiring bounty hunters, eating entire civilizations; nothing is too extravagant for the big Hutt. After all, whose idea was it to put Leia in the gold bikini? It certainly wasn’t Vader’s!

Darth Vader with Luke Skywalker
"Son…I now totally forgive you for trying to bone your sister."

Cons

Imagine the Kathy Bates nude scene from About Schmidt. Now imagine that scene stretched out to a full-length film.

Kathy Bates in a hot tub

Now try to convince President Obama to build that real-life Death Star and destroy Earth so there will never ever be a possibility of having to watch that film.

Suggested Next