Dane Cook! A decade of fame, black v-neck t-shirts and countless comedy specials. After a night of unforeseen circumstances he’s sitting in your living room puckered up and ready to make out with a regular ole’ Joey Baloney like you!

One big problem though: there’s a stupid newborn baby wailing away in the other room who doesn’t care that you’re about to make out with the King of Sting himself.

Use these tips to get that brat to fall asleep in no time.

1. Tell your husband/wife, “Listen to me right now. Dane Cook is in the fucking living room and we’re going to make out. Please just put the goddamn baby to sleep.”

Hours upon hours and sleepless nights spent managing your own personal Dane Cook Fan Blog have finally paid off. DO NOT let your baby ruin this for you.

An explanation to your husband/wife as to why Dane Cook is in your house or why you plan on cheating on them is not necessary. Time spent chatting with them is time lost when you could be tasting the sweet lips of the star of Employee of the Month. Enough of the marriage counseling and more of the tonsil hockey!

2. Subtly hint to the baby that Tom Hanks always went to bed right away when he was a baby.

Compare your baby to Tom Hanks constantly, especially when your baby grows old and strikes out in baseball, fails a test in school, and gets arrested for trying to murder Tom Hanks.

DO NOT let Dane hear you speaking Tom Hanks’s name for he will go into a spit of jealous rage and will leave, uttering the “I made out with Dane Cook” T-Shirts you had custom ordered completely useless.

3. Pour Dane a tall glass of lemonade and go swaddle your baby while whispering in its ear, “If you embarrass me in front of Dane I’ll put you back inside of me.”

The threat of shoving your baby back up inside of you should calm all of that crying. If you end up actually shoving your newborn baby inside of you there is a guarantee that your child will expect you to pay for the medical bills. Get a job already!

4. Offer to paint a portrait of your baby. Confuse the baby by drawing a portrait of the baby sleeping.

Babies are really stupid. Especially your baby. Costumes will be needed for this tactic though, because even though your baby is extremely stupid there is no way it will believe that you are a legitimate caricature artist.

Once you finish the portrait, the baby will be so stricken with your talent that it will think, “If an artist of this talent paints a portrait of me sleeping, then I must be sleeping. There is no way they would lie to me.”

5. Throw whole tomatoes at the baby until the powers of the almighty tomato not only put it to sleep but launch it into an alternate reality where the Nazis won WWII.

In a 2003 People article Dane Cook said, “I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or if I was god awful, I thought I’d get into psychology.”

As you and Dane are throwing tomatoes at your baby newborn, bring up his psychology background and the unfathomable correlation between the tomato, sleep, and the global conquest of the Planet Earth by the Nazis. If you really give it your all and keep the conversation about the Nazis conquering the world quirky and light, Dane might take you on tour with him where he can impregnate you and a new life can begin.

Let’s be honest, you had no intention of getting your newborn baby back from an alternate reality.


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