I just finished Season 5 of House of Cards, and this is really exciting for those of us who habitually watch House of Cards and Orange is the New Black and other shows we wait for an entire year to come out, while we pay ten dollars per month, waiting, in the meantime. My last House of Cards sesh ended with a shaved British Shorthair cat, whom I named Hermes, trying to claw my collection of James Dean Bobbleheads to pieces, while three Mexican prostitutes (I didn’t give them names) and a Haitian salsa dancer named Darline tried to translate a 16th century Torah on my couch.

Anyway, I’ve been watching the news lately, and, to be honest, I don’t think our President has been doing a very good job, at all. House of Cards says as much. Has the President jumped the Oval-Office-shark by murdering an investigative journalist named Zoe during the first episode of his second season, whom he had an affair with, for some reason, because he probably had no idea what to do with the Zoe character, because he’s not really that good at writing and is better at political jargon and meaningless platitudes than crafting interesting storylines?

If he hasn’t done that, at the very least, then he’s clearly not doing his job properly–or at all.

Now, I’m no political strategist, nor have I paid taxes in six years, but I believe, from my experience with watching House of Cards, that I can save his campaign once and for all. I have five things in mind, actually–all of which I wholeheartedly believe will save Trump’s presidency and definitely not destroy his reputation further.

1. Sex is power (and you’re on top this time).

The most powerful Presidents slept their way to the top–Martin Van Buren, Teddy Roosevelt, and secret 39th President Lionel Richie, to name a few–and you should be no different. We all know you won the election fair and square, but we all also know that you’re gonna have to do some gross stuff with your dick to keep being president.

RELATED:  Four Steps to Becoming a Successful Stalker

Sex is power, and you’re a superhero who wields a pork sword of justice with which to smite those nasty liberals. My best bet would be to go for one of the members of the Secret Service. It doesn’t matter if they’re male or female, really. We all know you’re a straight shooter, but if you close your eyes and say “no homo” afterward, it’s not gay, I promise.

Trust is the best way to keep people under your thumb and the only way to gain someone’s trust is to stick your penis in them.

2. Don’t worry about the media.

The media, in its entirety, is really just a mouthpiece for globalist scum, like George Soros and other interdimensional transgender vampires–but you needn’t worry about your approval ratings, nor anything the media says. If you don’t respond to any of their criticisms of you, nor the decades of presidential precedent before you, then your life will become that much easier.

3. You’re the king of the castle. Where’s the moat?

ISIS are a bunch of flag-waving dummies with guns. Since they have at least two things in common with your constituency, the flags and the guns, it would be best that you didn’t upset them too much. I’m talking about your constituency, mind you. Think about the White House as your castle and your role as president as that of a king.

That being said, you have to let those ISIS fellas know who’s boss, so make sure to be really mean to them and bomb the shit out of ‘em. This has worked in the past.

RELATED:  10 Things to Say When Your Dentist Asks "How Do You Like My Fingers In Your Mouth?"

4. Believe me, the Constitution is just a suggestion.

Anyone who says to you, “The Constitution isn’t a list of suggestions; they’re a list of protections against tyranny,” are, in fact, idiots–and probably some principled liberal or conservative, who thinks their experience in Congress somehow makes them knowledgeable on the inner-workings of the government and how it should best run. Or a lawyer.

But what an idiotic idea! You’re an outsider, and you guys, you don’t play by the rules. Crooks and FBI Directors beware: you’re the new gunslinger in town, establishment cronies need not apply.

5. Approval ratings are bad and stupid (unless they’re good).

Approval ratings, with their small numbers and dumb curves and weird percentage sign thingies, is a tool used by the sneaky liberal media to slander the president and the humbled office which he or she serves. It should be something you cherish, like a fine wine or a street without a Black Lives Matter protest. They don’t mean anything–unless they’re good, in which case, you should proudly herald them as a sign of success and rub them in your haters’ faces.

After your third term as president (remember rule 4), and after you’ve installed your wife as the new vice president, you can finally give everyone what they’ve wanted all along: a Barron Trump presidency.

Suggested next: