Alcohol is great. Anybody who says different is either a loser who thinks he’s better than everybody else because he "doesn’t need alcohol to have fun," or an alcoholic. It’s easy to become the latter, since life is pretty terrible, so the question is: how to keep drinking and still (appear to) be a functioning member of society?

Man pouring liquor

To answer that question, it is first necessary to look at the importance that alcohol has had, and still has, on humans throughout history. Some say dogs are man’s best friend, because they keep you company and love you despite the terrible things that you inevitably do. That is false. Man’s best friend is man himself. Man’s best friend is his drunk self. A real man (or woman) does not need other people to enjoy himself and have a good time. Drunk, you can enjoy (the meaninglessness of) life at its fullest, relishing in the moment and in the thoroughness of the one-way journey that is life.

Famous Functional Alcoholics

Many notable and glorified figures have dabbled in the art of extreme alcohol consumption. People like Vincent Van Gogh, Winston Churchill, Ernest Hemingway, and so on. Sure, Van Gogh cut his own ear off, and later committed suicide (just like Hemingway), but that’s beyond the point. The point is that these men changed the world and gave us invaluable works of art. Despite spending innumerable hours a day consuming alcohol, they found the time to create masterpieces which are still lauded to this day. Alcohol was the one constant throughout their lives. This is proof that it is possible to abuse alcohol in order to escape the brutal reality of the world and, at the same time, not be deemed a superfluous member of society.

The question is: how?

1. Have a Job

This might seem counterproductive at first glance, since being drunk could easily affect productivity in most jobs and lead to termination. That’s why it shouldn’t be just any kind of job. A job which requires creativity is perfect: writer, adman, filmmaker, musician, and so on. However, the best fit are jobs which from the outside seem as though they require great skill and effort, while in fact they consist of basically sitting behind a desk all day and signing papers without reading them. These offer a great deal of spare time, which can easily be dedicated to drinking, and are usually well paid. Nobody will think you need to go to rehab if you make $200,000 a year.

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2. Dress Well

Mad Men liquor drink

Dressing well is key. Being a high-functioning alcoholic is all about keeping up appearances. The goal is to trick people into thinking that everything is okay; that you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing: contributing to society. You must hide the fact that you have figured out how pointless it all is, and that you’re drinking excessively just to find some sort of inner peace and calm—things that don’t exist in the real world. If you dress like a bum, or even just casually, people will immediately focus on the bottle of Jack Daniels in your hands. However, if you’re wearing a nice suit, the bottle of whiskey suddenly becomes a classy accessory.

3. Increase Your Drinking Tolerance

In order to be a high-functioning alcoholic, you have to drink copious amounts of alcohol. That might be a problem if you’re an inexperienced drinker. The goal isn’t to get so drunk you feel sick. The goal is to alter your state of mind in a way that you retain just enough semi-consciousness in order to appear "normal" to the rest of the world. Thus, you must avoid the pitfalls of getting wasted and passing out, while still continuing to drink. All day long.
In order to drink this fine line successfully, you must follow a few important guidelines.

  • Avoid red wine and sugary drinks. These will lead to headaches and fatigue. They also fill you up, preventing you from continuing to drink. Whiskey, vodka, rum, gin, and beer are ideal. Avoid mixing them, though.
  • Eat and exercise. A good diet and frequent exercise are good ways to train your body to resist throwing away the precious liquids which you have ingested.
  • Drink a lot. The best way to train your body to get on board with the binge drinking adventure that is high-functioning alcoholism, is to practice. Sure, you might fail a few times in the beginning, feeling sick and questioning your life decisions, but if you stick to the plan and follow the guidelines, you will soon appreciate the results.

4. Drink Alone

Drinking with others is fun, but drinking alone is underrated. As previously said, a man does not need other people to enjoy himself. A true high-functioning alcoholic has few friends, who are preferably high-functioning alcoholics themselves. That is preferable because being high-functioning alcoholics themselves, they know when to leave and have a clear notion of personal space.

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Drinking alone, you’re able to get in touch with your subconscious and find out more about yourself. It’s a great exercise for the mind and soul. Binge drinking in solitude helps in the important process of building walls against the external world, making you stronger and less dependent on others. It is a display of independence.

5. Deny Everything

The first step in solving a problem is acknowledging that there is one in the first place. In order to successfully be a high-functioning alcoholic, it is extremely important to live in denial.

YOU DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM.

Repeat it. Again. Louder.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Perfect.

Not only must you convince yourself that there is no problem (because there isn’t one), you must also convince others, especially the people who care about you, that everything is okay. The best way to do so is to, again, drink alone. You must strategically hide your bottles in the office, and at home, if you live with others. Treat your bottles like a treasure that must be protected from the dangerous claws of the world.

Success

If you follow with attention and dedication these easy five steps, you will become a high-functioning alcoholic. You will be able to lead a life of excess and despair, and hide it from the world. Nobody will know your true self, only your outward appearance, which will radiate pride and composure. You will achieve the ultimate goal: living within the boundaries of your own mind.

Nobody will be able to decipher the cryptic persona that you have carefully built on the outside. Your thoughts and emotions will finally be safe from the dangerous influence of others. Nobody can hurt you if you don’t let anybody in on your thoughts and feelings. Through isolation and alcohol abuse you will be able to reach goals that you thought were impossible to reach. No one will bother you, because no one will know who you are. You will finally be whole.

You will finally feel nothing.

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