When you first caught a glance of Sonia’s hopeful eyes peeping out from above the playpen, you knew she was the one. But over time, those once happy eyes turned dull and comatose, and she started behaving in peculiar ways. She no longer licks your fingers when you stuff her stiff little legs into a Halloween costume, nor does she yap with glee when you snap photos of her wearing elf ears for the Christmas card.

In fact, she doesn’t even respond to “Miss Flufferz” anymore!

It just doesn’t make sense, does it? I mean, you give Sonia everything. You buy her the best brand of dog food at the grocery store, you arrange playdates for her with the other dogs in the neighborhood, you dress her up in all the nicest clothes, pamper her with toys and kisses. Heck, you even potty-trained her! I mean, so what if your love for Sonia is just an ideological infatuation spawning from your selfish desire to tether onto the only living being you have complete control over. She loves you, doesn’t she?

So what’s going on? Is Sonia growing apart from you like all your other family members? Or is there something else, something emerging from deep inside her frail little body?

At this point, it’s likely Sonia has just gone limp to the thing you call “love” and would be happy to just crawl into her corner of the bed and die. The psychological torment you have been inflicting on your poor, lethargic lump of a dog has just gotten to be too much.

But what if I told you there was another way?

What if I told you that many of her strange behaviors emanate from the consumption of meat? And once more, these behaviors are her way of telling you that she wants to become a vegetarian. After all, there is no chance canines could actually be biologically programmed to eat meat!

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Warning: None of the signs and symptoms below have any evidence of being linked with the desire to eliminate meat in canines whatsoever. However, all have been linked with the owner being an asshole.

1. Wagging her Tail

Does your puppy wag her tail? If so, it might just be a sign that your precious Snowflake wants to quit the meat chunks and join the millions of Americans chewing on green leaves and Matcha rolls. After all, nothing’s better than the dry and slightly bitter taste of pure nothingness! What dog could forget that taste?

2. Sniffing

Everyone knows sniffing is one of the biggest signs of distress known to canine-kind, and modern science has indicated that one of the best ways to maximize antioxidants in the brain is to take up a plant-based diet.

Do you remember that time when you put Babygirl in that Tofu costume and showed her off to all your friends at the yoga studio? Well, Babygirl sure remembers, and I bet she was just basking in delight. Why not top her next meal off with a nice slab of tofu?

3. Barking

Ever hear your doggy yapping away at the milkman? Some say she’s just guarding her territory, but those are the same bastards who eat steak!

No, Fluffy is most definitely behaving in that way because of the hydrocarbons flooding her small body and making her disobedient. Why not enjoy some peace and quiet for a change. Who knows, if you’re lucky, Fluffy might just feel so weak and deprived of protein that she won’t even have the strength to protest to her daily cuddles!

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4. Urinating

Does Sonia take a pee-pee? If so, she’s likely suffering from the affects of meat in the diet. Swap the beef for an organic salad and she’ll be licking you with glee for the rest of time. Who knows, she might even stop peeing all together! (Warning: if your canine stops peeing, contact a veterinarian immediately, as it could be linked with a life-threatening condition in the kidneys.)

5. Shedding

Ever sit on some fluffy white fuzz and wonder, “What in the world…” Well, it could be your grandfather’s pubes, but it could also be your puppy’s fur!

If your dog is shedding, don’t worry, it is most likely related to the consumption of animal-products in the diet, and can be easily reversed with the incorporation of plant-based meals. If you can’t tell, just ask him!

With luck, Sonia will be back to her old, submissive self in no time, and you’ll be free of that crippling feeling that animals have emotions of their own! So much for letting a dog be a dog, why not force her to choke down sheets of asparagus and cauliflower until her eyes turn blank and she loses the ability to resist. After all, dogs like what humans like, right?

Warning: This diet may not be for every dog, as some owners have reported an increased feeling of depression in their animals after having them pursue this diet. On several cases, the depression has lead to a number of pet suicides. Check with your unauthorized veterinarian to see if this diet is right for your puppy!

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