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A cold blast of unforgiving air permeated the empty landscape. Merciless, cruel, and devoid of all emotion, the freezing chill cast its condemnation on the lifeless land, holding it prisoner within the inescapable depths of eternal anguish, gloom, and crushing despair. Like an unstoppable avalanche of broken dreams, the all-consuming darkness began making its heartless descent as raindrops of profound sadness were hopelessly barred by the expanding coldness that began unleashing its curse of abyssal doom and….

OK, ENOUGH ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE…

The real purpose of this article is to inspire all of you teachers out there who are on the verge of:

  • Screaming at your students
  • Punching your administrators in the face
  • Committing suicide
  • Joining a cult and setting yourself on fire in hopes of purging your own guilt and speeding up the Apocalypse.

Here are five more ways to get fired from your teaching job.

1. Don’t try to hide your hangover…make it apparent.

After the first school bell rings, show up in the hallway in front of the administration office with an empty bottle of tequila while wearing sunglasses and a bloody t-shirt. (Needless to say, the smell of booze and cheap perfume will be oozing delightfully out of your pores.) Wing the bottle of tequila down the hallway so that it smashes all over the floor. Go up to the main secretary in the administration office, tell her that she has really nice boobs and that you’ve been wanting to fuck her in the ass for years, and then walk straight into a wall. After you fall down on your face…start humming the tune to “Amazing Grace.” The police will be there shortly.

2. Accidentally leave the electronic projector on as you pretend to secretly watch clips of Debbie Does Dallas while the students are doing classwork.

Not only will you find the experience personally stimulating, but you will also FINALLY gain the attention of all those co-workers who have been ignoring you and forgetting to invite you to all of their really cool parties and social gatherings. On top of that, the local and national news will also find you pretty interesting.

3. Let your co-workers know you are concerned about your health.

At some point in your short career as a teacher, you will find yourself at a meeting, social gathering, or some other type of group setting in which someone will make a run to either the local gas station or the local 7-11. And they will say something like, “Hey, I’m going for coffee…would any of you like anything from the 7-11?” Use this moment to really shine and Excessive paperwork, piles of grading, and reduced financial benefits are a few of the diamond gems teachers enjoy during their sparkly careers. IMITATE THE FOLLOWING:

Richard: Would anyone like anything from the local 7-11?

Bob: Yeah…I’ll take a bag of Cheetos.

Karen: Umm…sure, would you just grab me a bottle of water?

Rick: Hey bud…Coke Zero for me, thanks.

Wesley: Hey Richard, could you grab me five ounces of freshly-peeled organic cucumbers and three 500 milliliter bottles of Korean Red Ginseng?

Karen: Mr. Jansen, that’s a rather unusual request…

Wesley: Well Karen. As a teacher, I pride myself on seeking out information and gaining knowledge. Just recently, I’ve learned that the vitamin A, potassium, and dietary fiber found in fresh cucumbers are good for enhancing a person’s sex drive as well as reducing some of the problems that lead to male erectile dysfunction. Also, due the unique properties of Korean soil, red ginseng is known to stimulate testosterone levels, increase blood flow to the penis, and generally enhance the male libido.

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Karen: Umm…Mr. Jansen…as a professional educator and co-worker, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be saying these things to me. I want you to apologize or else I’m going to talk to the…

Wesley: Furthermore, Karen….I figure that consistent daily intake of these two elements will provide me with enough energy to increase the amount of time I spend engaging in hot, sweaty, heart-pounding, sexual activity…which will henceforth lead to a prolonging of the repetitive, erotic thrusting motions that are necessary for generating just enough external friction to maximize both the blast and range of my ejaculatory spray.

4. Get on the loud speaker and announce that you have finally published your sequel to Haruki Murakami’s book Norwegian Wood. The title of your book is, “Norwegian Boner.”

(Okay, I apologize for this joke. It’s cheap and lame…and I probably deserve to be stoned to death for making it. However, I live in Taiwan and you will all have a hard time stoning me to death… so you’re going to have to weep silently and deal with it.)

And finally…

5. Tell the truth.

Excessive paperwork, piles of grading, relentless demands from power-hungry administrators, constant nagging from parents, and reduced financial benefits are only a few of the diamond gems that teachers get to enjoy during their sparkly careers. The biggest diamond…and the most shiny of all, however, is TEENAGE ATTITUDE. Yes, that lovely attitude that teenagers have… reeking of puberty, ignorance, aggression, arrogance, immaturity, ego, a misinformed sense of individuality…and probably some of the drugs they were doing out in the parking lot during lunch time.

The next time a student decides to get cocky or give you attitude, do the following: Don’t give them a lecture on history…GIVE THEM A LECTURE ON THE HISTORY OF EDUCATION.

Billy: Mr. Jansen. I think your class sucks.

Mr. Jansen: Oh really? Is that how you feel, Billy? I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ll try to make it more interesting for you.

“OK, listen up, class. I know you all think you’re pretty cool, I know you all think that adults and teachers are jerks, and I know that you all basically don’t want to be here. Well… let me tell you why you ARE here…

“You see kids, during the 1800’s (yes, the 1800’s…that was before your mommies and daddies got together and made the mistake of fucking) there was this little thing going on called the Industrial Revolution. It involved big factories, big machines, lots of smoke, and lots of poor immigrants and farmers looking for work in the big factories to make their lives better.

“Now, while all of these poor people were looking for work, some of the wealthiest people in the world got together and tried to think of a way that they could keep all these poor people from getting rich. Not only that, the wealthy people also needed a way to keep these poor people working so that they and all of their wealthy friends…COULD GET EVEN WEALTHIER!!!

“So they all got together and made this system. For the purposes of our discussion, let’s call it a ‘public education’ system. Now, this ‘public education’ system was designed with all these ‘nasty little things’ like timed learning periods, bells, lockers, hallway passes, standardized tests, homework, grades, textbooks, standards, uncomfortable little desks…and assistant principals. This ‘public education’ system had all of these ‘nasty little things’ because the really wealthy people needed all the really poor people to keep working at the factories. They needed them to keep making small little mechanical parts that would fit into bigger mechanical parts…(no, I’m not talking about your mommies and daddies this time)

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“If the ‘public education’ system didn’t train all these poor people to show up for class on time, do their homework on time, pass tests, keep things in their lockers, use hallway passes, and obey their teachers and principals….how else would these poor people learn how to report to their factory jobs on time, assemble enough mechanical parts on time, pass inspections, stay in their cramped living quarters …and obey their foreman?

“So kids…basically what I’m trying to say is that you are all here because you are meaningless and insignificant peons…and the current form of education that you have all been designated to receive is nothing more than the hideous grandchild of the original corrupt public education system that was designed by powerful industrialists back in the 1800’s to control masses of poor factory workers who lived miserable, painful, and short lives working themselves to death for the wealthy class. The wealthy class…who gave their own children an elite, meaningful, and powerful form of education that you smelly little gargoyles will never have. And
it’s my job to cram you full of tests and homework in order to break you down mentally so that you learn how to obey authority without asking questions….that way, your toys will never be as big as the toys of the people who own both you and the fake jobs that you will all have in your futures.

“So Billy…go ahead and screw your girlfriend, take a few drugs, act really cool in front of all your asshole friends, and give me a hard time as your teacher. Enjoy it while you can because from this day on, you will live with the realization that you are nothing but an insignificant little pawn whose life will be controlled forever by people who have toys that are much bigger than yours.

“And you will work really hard for the rest of your life in order to make their toys even bigger and better…

…as you toil harder and harder to fulfill the increasing demands of your stressful job
…as your patience wears thinner and thinner over the years
…as your alcoholism starts increasing while the mid years of your life slip away
…as your social and family relationships get more and more strained
…as your children rebel against you and hate you by the time they reach 15
…as your wife cheats on you with someone who has more money and a bigger penis
…as your physical body starts getting worn out
…as wrinkles begin developing on your ‘already ugly, genetically-deformed’ face
…as your mind gets weaker and weaker while all your happy memories from childhood fade
away
…as you grow into old age in a nursing home peeing yourself and forgetting your own name

…and as you eventually die a meaningless death with the bitter and crushing realization that
nobody has ever loved you.

NOW SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

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