If there’s one thing the last few months have taught us, it’s that congressional Republicans have demonstrated unflappable principle and stoicism in the face of foreign attacks on our democracy, unparalleled corruption of the executive branch, and looming constitutional crisis. One might call it heroic, though I doubt their humility would allow them to accept the praise.

Therefore, in their honor, I posit this basic thought experiment: how awesome would it be to reimagine the outcome of some of human history’s most important events had congressional Republicans been in power?

Yeah, I know: you’re welcome, Internet!

750,000 B.C.E. – The Invention of Fire

The day Exposed Bone invented fire, he figured the most mileage he was likely to milk out of it was getting laid down at the solstice rally. He had no way of knowing that his invention would soon be at the forefront of a controversy so dumb, it threatened to irreversibly stunt the progress of human evolution. That’s right, things always get dumb when congressional Democrats try poking their bureaucratic noses in places they don’t belong.

And poke they did—chiefly, with sticks over a fire, cooking meat and thereby solving the 98% mortality rate of people over the age of 12. But congressional Republicans balked right away, pandering to the elderly 22-year-olds who were uncomfortable with how fast society was progressing and forever coining the phrase, “Throwing red meat to the base.”

1066 C.E. – The Battle of Hastings

Historians say the Battle of Hastings in October of 1066 was one of the most important events in Western history, as it began the melding of the French and Old English languages, giving birth to the modern English we speak today. Had congressional Republicans been in charge, we’d surely be speaking Russian.

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1660 C.E. – The First Woman Actor is Allowed to Perform in a Shakespearian Play

For years in Renaissance England, only male actors were allowed to perform in plays. This meant every female character was played by a man until Thomas Jordan in 1660 cast a woman for the Desdemona role in Othello. Republicans in Congress decried the decision, saying that taking women out of the home would destroy the family before smallpox could. Republicans subsequently prevailed at the state level, where men must still kiss men to this day.

1789 C.E. – The French Revolution

The French Revolution, which resulted in the overthrow of the French monarchy, would have been completely different if congressional Republicans were power. First of all, Fox News would have convinced its viewers that the more money the monarchy received, the better the chance each man had from going completely destitute to merely poor as shit. But the station’s oft-contradictory populist message confused them so much they just decapitated themselves.

1944 C.E. – D-Day

Nah, we did just fine with the Democratic president and congressional majorities.

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