Christmas shopping is the most stressful part of the holidays. You want to give gifts like jewelry, the latest iPhone, or tickets for a Carnival Cruise, but your bank account is telling you to slow your roll. Your family knows they’ve been cutting your hours at Red Robin, so really, it’s rude of them to expect anything more than a discounted candle.

To distract them from their disappointment this Christmas, here are a few topics you can bring up while your family opens your shitty gifts.

1. The Neighbors Haven’t Shoveled Their Part of the Sidewalk

Mom, did you notice that the sidewalk in front of the Johnsons hasn’t been cleared yet? It’s so annoying! I had to walk in the street when I took Teddy for a walk because the snow is so deep. It’s crazy how people can be so inconsiderate. Isn’t it illegal to not shovel the sidewalk? I’m going to call our councilman first thing tomorrow and complain.

Oh, yeah, you’re welcome. I know how much you wear socks.

2. Your Kindergarten Teacher Died

Did you hear Mrs. Applebaum passed away? Apparently she had a heart attack. What a shame; she was only 67. She was always one of my favorite teachers, you know. I remember when she let me stay awake during naptime so I could color, and she always gave me an extra snack. They’re having a service for her Friday. I’m gonna go if anyone wants to come. I’m shocked that she died before you, Grandpa.

It makes you really appreciate that Halloween mug, doesn’t it?

3. That Time Dad Accidentally Broke Your Nose

Remember when Dad opened the door on my face and broke my nose in two places? I didn’t even know the nose could break more than once! There was so much blood, I thought I was going to pass out. It’s funny because I still can’t sneeze without wincing in pain. I should probably go back to the doctor and have him check it out. I might have to get a nose job if it doesn’t heal.

No, sorry, I actually didn’t get a gift receipt because they don’t consider Diet Coke a “gift.”

4. You Think the Family Dog Has a Tumor

Hey, did anyone else notice that lump on Teddy’s belly? I saw it the other day and I’m worried. I think we should get it checked out before it gets any bigger. It could be cancer, and I hear cancer affects dogs way worse than people. And who knows if this is the only tumor? He might be secretly covered in them. Oh, it’s just his balls? Well, why did we never get him fixed?

Grandma, you’re holding it upside down. It’s a light-up pen.

5. Mom’s Affair That You Promised You Would Keep a Secret

Sis, I know it’s just hand lotion, but Jim said you’d like it. You know, Mom’s friend, Jim. What are you talking about? Of course you know him. He and Mom went on that ski trip last weekend. Mom said she was going out of town for work, but she and Jim went to Denver for a few days. I can’t believe you bought her story. She’s a receptionist—what does she need to go out of town for?

Shit. Dad, I’m so sorry. Mom should really be the one to tell you this. I’ll let you two talk.

Wait, do I have any more presents to open?

Sure, you may have torn your family apart, but there’s nothing that another trip to the Dollar Tree can’t fix.


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