CHARMING Kia Sorento Parked in a REAL driveway! Driveway freshly paved in 2012!!! — $100/night

Listed by Maureen

Perfect for a romantic getaway… A lightly used Sorento with a ton of spunk. Push the seats down, spread out and really make yourself at home … 😉 Hey, no judgment haha. There’s a box of Altoids with four mints left in the glove compartment, plus a mesh case full of David Gray CDs. Check-in’s anytime after 11:00. Parties FINE but try to keep it under control. We’ll need to move the car to the street when Tyler has friends over and they shoot hoops but that’s not until 4:00!


Brandon: For the price, a total no-brainer. My girlfriend Janice and I were looking for a quiet weekend in the suburbs (we both work on Wall Street) and Maureen’s Sorento was exactly as advertised… plus a couple perks. Tyler and his friends invited me to shoot hoops and I got to work on my mid-range game a bit while Janice flipped through a Raymour & Flanigan catalogue that had been in the seat pocket for three years. Tyler and the guys told me about this eighth grader that’s been bullying them, Brock something, and I recommended they pants him in the cafeteria to send him and his cronies a message. They liked that idea. Five stars, will definitely be back.

Maureen: We’re so glad you and Janice enjoyed your stay! Tyler is serving a three-day suspension and has a black eye 🙂


My Aging Mother’s House! Private room, pool, etc. — $2,000/night

Listed by Jake

My mom hasn’t been doing so great since dad passed, but I don’t have the heart to put her in a home! How about you devote your life to taking care of her? It’s a big house with six bedrooms, four baths, a pool and she’s really struggling. It’s not looking great at all. There’s a freezer in the basement with about a year’s worth of frozen casserole and wads of hundred dollar bills buried in pillowcases all over the house. You don’t have to wash her teeth but it would be a nice gesture. Honestly, you should just do it.


Rachel: Oh Jake, this is a new low, even for you. Are you coming to Thanksgiving this year? Mom says hi.


Tube Slide (!!!) at the Thomas Jefferson Elementary School Jungle Gym — $65/night

Listed by Coach Phil

In the conversation for best slide on the playground. Definitely top three. I can plug the bottom with gym bags so you don’t slip out during the night. Will be stocked with snacks from the cafeteria vending machine (heads up, we’re a Cheese Nips school, not Its) and there’s a ton of great amenities nearby—monkey bars for working out, gravel track to test your mile time, big wall for wallball, vintage swing set, good views from the roof. Hop up using the dumpster behind the teacher’s parking lot. Cool with beer, weed or whatever, just don’t be too obvious about it, you know? Yes, there will be some wood chips in your sneaks when you leave. But that’s just part of the charm.


Patrick: My life is ruined. I don’t know why I booked this Airbnb. I guess I just haven’t been acting myself since Rita broke up with me. That’s probably it. I stayed here for a night this past September. Woke up to two policemen dragging me out of the slide as two hundred elementary schoolers looked on. I just moved to a new town and had to introduce myself to everyone in the neighborhood. Coach Phil, what have you done?

Coach Phil: Patrick, thanks for bringing this to my attention. My people are looking into it!


TARP. — $475/night

Listed by Ashley

We spend so many hours Adding to Cart. How about once, just once, we Add to Heart? Yes, tarp is a plastic blue tarp. It’ll keep you dry and cover your legs for a night or two. But that’s not the point, is it? What tarp really is, is a reset button. You don’t need a new blender. You don’t need to plan a trip to Mykonos. You just need a night with water-resistant polyurethane, and a chance to remember what you once were. A chance to remember what you still are. Where is tarp you might wonder? We can’t make that decision for you. Just book a couple nights with us. Don’t bring a bag, a toothbrush… or any expectations. We promise you’ll never look at a tarp, or yourself, the same way ever again.


Coach Phil: Ashley, I am obsessed! I don’t know how you guys doing it. Planning my next stay for a couple weeks. Lord knows I need it!


Abandoned Smallpox Hospital Down by the Wharf …Come ALONE — $6.66/night

Listed by Rattlesnake

hEllo dEar friEnd … carE to join us for a night of rEvELry? you will not rEgrEt it …


Hal: Rattlesnake was an amazing host. The place is a total dream. Converted artist studio, located dab smack in the middle of so much history down at the wharf. About 13,000 people died there in the early 1900s, but you could hardly tell. There was definitely a weird moment in the middle of the night when Rattlesnake’s friends showed up and they needed a decent amount of my blood for a ritual outside, but it’s his place and I wasn’t going to judge. Meeting people with diverse backgrounds and interests? That’s just the beauty of Airbnb.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!