Phil Philson: Hubris Consulting, home of superfluous titles, inaccurate job descriptions, questionable ethics, and zany costumes! We’re here for the 35th annual RC Cola™ Office Halloween Party Costume Competition, where adults careening towards middle age temporarily embrace a facade of youthful exuberance by dressing as ironically humorous characters while battling unironic mid-life crises.

Boom Boom: Chill with the big words, bro.

Phil: As always, I’m joined by my partner, Buster “Boom Boom” McDougal. How are you doing tonight, Boom Boom?

She got that “ay bro, I’ma call you back,” booty. She got that 9/11 never forget booty.

Boom: I’d be better if I wasn’t consistently court-ordered to provide commentary for random shit.

Phil: That’s right, Boom, the energy here is electric. And a big part of that energy is thanks to our longtime sponsor RC Cola™. RC Cola™, when literally no other drink is available. This year’s OHPCC is primed to be one of the most competitive Halloween office parties in recent memory. Not since the great Crow vs Duffman clashes of the mid-90’s have we had so many fierce competitors.

Boom: We got everything from sexy superheroes to insanely accurate superheroes. You see that dude in the Iron Man suit with working rocket boots? Does he even work here?

Phil: I am being told that not only does he not work for Hubris Consulting, he does not reside in this state. Apparently he has been flying around the country fighting crime.

Boom: Aaaaaand he just flew away.

Phil: Our first contestant of the evening – or should I say, first contestants – is a group of Harley Quinns. Far and away the most popular costume of the evening, for expediency’s sake we have grouped all 16 Harleys as one competitor.

Boom: Still not as bad as that time when half the office came dressed as Elsa from Frozen.

Phil: Unfortunately with so many dressed as the same character, this is really going to hurt their originality scores. Tough break for these ladies and one gentleman.

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Boom: Except for that one. Harley number 12, you see her? Jesus. She got that double-take booty. She got that “ay bro, I’ma call you back,” booty. She got that 9/11 never forget booty.

Phil: On that note we would like to extend our condolences to all the families affected by the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Truly a day filled with sorrow, but what better way to drown your sorrows than with a nice, room temperature RC Cola™? RC Cola™, because you’ve already given up on life. Moving along our next two contestants are the reigning Couples Costume champions, dressed tonight as the formidable political music duo Daft Trump and Hill Khalifa.

Boom: The glowing electric hair on Daft Trump is wonderfully executed, but what really puts this couple over the top is how Hill Khalifa has combined all the elements that make Wiz a fuckboy with all the elements that make Hillary a shit human being.

Phil: Tattoo covered pantsuit was an excellent decision, as was the giant bag that says “deleted emails.” Our third contestant is sporting tonight’s first completely original costume, with a character of his own design. And he is… oh boy.

Boom: Your dick is out, bro.

Contestant #3: You mean my dicks are out.

Boom: What the actual fuck?

Contestant #3: I’m Tri Dick, the Man with Three Dicks. He’s an OC and the main protagonist from my Harry Potter fan fiction. In the latest story he gets into a disagreement with Professor McGonagall, Hagrid, and Snape, and solves it the only way Tri Dick knows how.

Phil: While I’m sure it makes for riveting storytelling, your costume clearly breaks the no nudity clause of the contest, so I’m afraid you are disqualified. Next up we have Father… bear with me, Gascoigne?

Contestant #4: It’s pronounced Father “Gass-coin.” He’s the first main boss from the critically acclaimed PS4 exclusive, Bloodborne. Father Gascoigne is actually a very tragic character. You see, for some time now the good Father has been losing his grip on reality, and on the night of The Hunt he does the unthinkable and gives into his beastly instincts, allowing himself to be completely engulfed in bloodlust, after accidentally killing his own wife, who had forgotten to bring the music box used to revert him back-

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Boom: You’ve only been talking for like 20 seconds and I already genuinely hate you.

Phil: The hat is well crafted, Boom, good eye. Contestant #5 is the Bride of Frankenstein. I’m loving the make-up application.

Contestant #5: Actually, I’m the Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster, if we want to be technical.

Boom: A spade’s a spade, toots.

Phil: Apologies, miss.

Contestant #5: And to be more technical, I’m dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster in a meta-comedy where I’m actually the real Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster but everyone just thinks I’m only dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster.

Phil: And I’m being told that Contestant #5’s costume has such a needlessly convoluted backstory that she wins the competition! Even though we had no less than 20 more contestants to go through!

Contestant #18: So I got dressed up as the dude from Drive for the fifth year in a row for nothing?

Boom: I mean, you still look hella rad, bro.

Contestant #18: Thanks bro.

Phil: Contestant #5 has secured one of the most impressive, expedient wins in OHPCC history! While you’re enjoying the taste of victory, Contestant #5, why not enjoy the taste of an already opened RC Cola™? RC Cola™, the official drink of clinical depression. As always I’m Phil Philson and he’s Buster “Boom Boom” McDougal—

Boom: Seriously man, the booty on Harley number 12…

Phil: On behalf of everyone here at Hubris Consulting, thanks for tuning in. Be sure to keep it right here for the new hit show Bees Stinging People, the only show on television that exclusively fills its runtime with bees stinging people. Thank you, and goodnight!

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