1. For passenger convenience, vomit/non-vomit cars available.
  2. As part of TSA exchange program, security officers perform preemptive strip searches at homes of prospective passengers.
  3. As density of mass of human flesh on 7:25 a.m. #6 train reaches 1 quintillion kilograms per cubic meter, disrupting the integrity of Midtown space-time continuum, NASA conducts physics experiments in simulated core of Sun.
  4. Now out of work, alcoholic, clinically-depressed Thomas the Train is temporary sub on #4 line.
  5. In interest of eliminating middleman, DIY ninja weapons available for passengers to mug themselves.
  6. As part of white collar drug treatment program, baristas serve delicious liquid methadone lattes on G train.
  7. Every other Thursday, all trains operate in reverse in observance of system-wide Backwards Day.
  8. Wait, who’s that always personable, dapper guy with a camera crew interviewing seniors about service improvements on the platform of the 7:25 a.m. #6 train? By golly, it’s none other than popular NBC personality Al Rok– (massive, gazelle-like blur of humanity moving as one obliterates vision, leaving only bloody pulp behind)
  9. Mayor de Blasio designates Lexington Ave. line for transport of his Mexican hairpiece to staging area near City Hall.
  10. Dedicated art history major line running express service from NYU coffee shop/Greek deli to Museum of Modern Art. Expected to generate millions in revenue that would otherwise go to Subaru-owning Uber drivers.
  11. In response to intellectual property suit filed by sandwich conglomerate, name changed to “underground train system formerly known as subway.” By the way, a foot-long cold cut combo is just $8.99 on Wednesday.
  12. MTA vs. Bay Area Rapid Transit. Ultimate Grudge Match. Friday. Meadowlands Arena. Be there. This time it’s personal. For tickets visit www.ticketmaster.com
  13. Entire New York City subway system replaced with Folger’s crystals.
  14. NASA develops Star Trek-like molecular disintegration/reintegration teleportation technology, rendering subway obsolete. Only snag: director of project is Jeff Goldblum.
  15. Free 19-piece cookware set under each seat courtesy of Oprah Winfrey.
  16. New ad campaign: “Just like Hell, only in mobile form.”
  17. Payment options: Cash, Credit, Debit, Denny’s Gift Card, SNAP, Mongolian Savings Bonds, Bloody Sacrifice to Aztec Sun God, Bitcoin, Your Eternal Soul, PayPal.
  18. Taking C train between hours of midnight and 3 a.m. can be used in lieu of Commando Survival Training module for Navy SEAL training program.
  19. Strolling accordionists on every car.
  20. Seats ergonomically designed by retired North Korean death camp commandant.
  21. As if #16 wasn’t good enough, additional retro ad campaign: “Go MTA, and leave the projectile vomiting to us!”
  22. Pick- and shovel-wielding ghosts of early 20th century subway construction workers perform production numbers from Hello, Dolly! nightly at Broadway-Lafayette St. Station. For tickets visit www.ticketmaster.com
  23. Free bobbleheads of MTA chief Joseph Lhota for the kids!
  24. A-line now offering express service to LAX with only one short stop at Chicago O’Hare.
  25. New MTA commercial features Bradley Beal slam dunking Doritos and Mountain Dew.
  26. L-line replaced with 20-mule team from 1st Avenue to Jefferson St.
  27. 20-mule team serving L-line replaced with kayaks due to PETA concerns.
  28. Kayaks replacing 20-mule team serving L-line replaced with hansom cabs due to stretch of raging white water.
  29. Hansom cabs replacing kayaks replacing 20-mule team on L-line replaced with Subaru-owning Uber drivers due to further PETA concerns.
  30. Uber Technologies Inc. assimilates remainder of subway system. “Uber: evolving the way the world moves, bitches.”

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