Most people aren’t aware, but the majority of scientists are deeply corrupted by their associations with universities, colleges, governments, or dumbass rich ladies foundations. Whatever the foundation wants to hear, scientists will say. Same goes for your typical university tenure committee and the Federal Bureaucracy: if the Feds want sea lions to mate more feverishly when exposed to Bossa Nova, then that’s what your report will say.

I, on the other hand, operate independently. Therefore, my findings are not tainted by my paymasters, because I have none.

To be sure, I have expenses, but they aren’t significant, and my social security disability check covers them pretty well. Lab rats represented the bulk of my costs for a while, but now that I am switching to mice, I think I will save a lot of money: you can get six mice for the price of one rat. I plan on using the savings for things like electricity and at least half of my monthly Netflix bill.

Pre-exposure to secondhand marijuana smoke, Robert’s vision was 20/30, which might explain his less than stellar school performance.Unlike other scientists, my paymaster has no idea what I am doing. The Social Security Administration has never interfered with my scientific work. As proof, one of my recent studies found that government workers are usually fat. That would obviously include Social Security Administration people. I published the study on my blog and issued a press release that I pasted into the comments sections of many major newspapers, both in the United States and Australia, and my disability payments kept rolling in.

Clearly, I am independent.

With that in mind, please fine my three most recent, paradigm-shattering findings below.

1. Treating your employees like total shit has no negative effect on productivity.

Gerbil running in a wheel

This study used gerbils instead of rats. No mice were involved because I did this one at my nephew’s house, and he has gerbils. I would have used mice, but I didn’t want to risk bringing them over on the bus. The old ladies usually freak out, and the homeless psychotics always want to pet them and never take no for an answer.

I yelled at one gerbil while he was running on his wheel and called him "a dumb asshole" and told him "run faster or you’re fired!" Then I turned to an adjacent cage, where another gerbil was running in another wheel, and I yelled "good job!" and "we value your services!" and "I just wanted to thank you for being a team player!" at him. Distressed that he seemed not to care one whit for my praise, I also yelled, "Thanks for all you do!"

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Both gerbil wheels were equipped with odometers, and the gerbils turned out to be impervious to both praise and condemnation. The message for employers is simple: you might as well not even exist. Nothing you yell will affect employee productivity.

The only thing that WILL affect productivity is blasting the heat in your office. When their cages were placed under grow lamps, both gerbils eventually slowed their running, then finally stopped and fell from their respective wheels, panting, with their eyes half closed. Hair dryers have the same effect if set on "high" and "heat."

2. Secondhand marijuana adversely impacts vision.

Rodents aren’t big on sight, so for this study, I used my nephew Robert. I sat Robert in a chair and had him read a vision test sign from a distance of about 30 feet. We did this in my basement. I was watching him because my sister had a date with a football player. There’s a college nearby, and she usually dates most of the team before the season is over.

Pre-exposure to secondhand marijuana smoke, Robert’s vision was 20/30, which might explain his less than stellar school performance, which I had long attributed simply to genetic inheritance from his father, an unemployed lineman from American Samoa, not exactly the Ivy League of territories acquired after the Spanish-American War.

Next, I took a big ol’ bong hit and blew the smoke in Robert’s face and asked him to read the chart. With the smoke in his face, his vision was 20/60. As I kept blowing a steady stream of bong smoke in is face, his vision got worse and worse, until:

  1. He was legally blind.
  2. I was so stoned that I didn’t notice he had left.
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This second fact was why my original report included the finding that a shitload of secondhand marijuana smoke makes you mute, or deaf. I have since amended the report.

3. Organic, free-range lettuce is worse for you than conventional iceberg lettuce.

Farmer of organic lettuce in the field 

In this study, one guinea pig was fed nothing but organic red leaf lettuce purchased at an overpriced, new age, natural foods-only shithole called "The New Leaf," while another guinea pig was exclusively fed conventional iceberg lettuce shoplifted from Safeway. A control group guinea pig was fed rabbit food, which is no different than guinea pig food, except for the fact that they put a picture of a rabbit on the box and include something black that looks like uncooked wild rice.

After two weeks of eating nothing but lettuce, the guinea pig eating the organic, red leaf, free-range lettuce was dead, but the guinea pig eating the conventional, shoplifted Safeway iceberg lettuce lived on—for two more days. The control guinea pig died before either of the lettuce-eating guinea pigs, but that was probably because a week earlier, he had been used to test the effect of being sucked up into a vacuum cleaner hose and had sustained some kind of rib injury or mental trauma.

* * *

These are the only reports I will be doing for a while. I am out of guinea pigs, so I need to use those mice I bought a week ago. They seem to have escaped from their cage, but they’ve got to be around here somewhere. I am on my way to borrow my sister’s Dachshund, so he can track them down. Once he rounds them up, I will then test on them my hypothesis that super-expensive, hormone-free, free-range Gorgonzola cheese sucks more than Safeway brand sharp cheddar. I will test this hypothesis by putting a chunk of each type in each mouse’s cage and seeing which one they eat first.

Feel free to duplicate these experiments and post your own findings in the comments. I would appreciate you waiting a week before doing your own experiment though, because I expect that my sister’s dog will have tracked the mice down by then and I will have finished the report.

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