Every year, new words and phrases are officially integrated into the English lexicon. How do lexicographers update the Oxford English Dictionary? Easy: they seek my help. Jumpstarting the year 2015, I’ve blended new words into existence. Over 400 words. And phrases. Terms. Greetings. You name it. It was exhausting. At one point, I suffered brain cramps because my energy drink was ridiculously all the way in the refrigerator.

Language is organic and needs to grow, but mostly it’s vaguely sexual. Initially, of course, I suggested that every entry be a swear word, but the world’s principal English-language dictionary rejected that notion. Morons.

Here is a glimpse into some meaning-morphing that you will use in everyday speech and print. For the record, I had nothing to do with "Nah, just a totes staycation," and "He Adele Nazeem-ed it."

1. "Ryan Gosling" is the new flavor of hummus I’m putting on this bagel.

Ryan Gosling holding a bagel
"Say whaaaaa?"

2. "Ninjas can be tricky" is the new best combat advice.

3. "Bitcoin" is the new coin for people bit by sharks. Naturally, more money for those severely injured. Getting eaten by a shark probably sucks, but since you’re dead we’ll keep the coins if that’s the outcome.

4. "Of all the books I’ve ever read, this was, by far, the most recent" is the new bad book review.

5. "Chasing the alphabet" is the new catching some Z’s.

6. "3D peppermint sticking" is the new over-sampling of perfume testers in lieu of a shower.

7. "Counting to purple" is the new drunk math class.

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8. "Drinking ‘til we’re pirates" is the new cool rooftop party I wasn’t invited to.

9. "Cosmo finally nailed it!" is what my new neighbor shouts from his kitchen window holding what looks like either erotic material or a cookbook.

10. "Steampunk housing" is the new hot yoga during Sherlock Holmes episodes.

11. "Deleting browsing history" is the new abracadabra.

12. "One shade of Grey’s Anatomy" is the new bashful masturbator.

13. "Frankenwood" is the new fetish for lanky, tall doors.

14. "A vegetarian’s typo" is the new missed steak.

15. "Brad Assery" is the new Tom Foolery, which was the new Salmon Ella.

16. "National Punctuation Day" is the new English major’s "I told you so."

17. "Closing a Ziploc bag" is the new thread-into-needle struggle. Screw you, Ziploc. I’ll carry my sliced celery in a greasy, crumpled up Panera bag. Roll down the top and—boom—I’m done. Hear that? DONE!

18. "Hey, it’s me, I’m in your area" is the new relationship status.

19. "Flash boob" is the new flash mob, which used to be the new prayer circle. Okay, this doesn’t exist. I really just want to wear a slutty dress without guilt.

20. "Unfollowing me" is the new mixed message. You want to break up AND you’re going to unfollow me? I don’t get it. Synonyms: "unfriend" and "such a betrayal."

21. "Rom-com roulette" is the new MySpace. Just kidding. What’s a rom-com, am I right?

22. "Going batty" is the new secret society of addicted eyelash curlers.

23. "Haley Joel Osmenting" is the new falling off the radar, which used to be the new talking to dead people. Seriously, where is that guy? Can we call his parents?

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24. A "no-win situation" is still a no-win situation and I fucking hate it.

25. "The Singles Virus" is my new incurable disease, according to my mother.

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