1. 12 years of Catholic school.
  2. Kendrick Lamar not winning at last year’s Grammy’s.
  3. Macklemore winning at last year’s Grammy’s.
  4. The Grammy’s still being broadcast.
  5. Haters named Jeremy, Stephen, Kenneth, Julie, Michelle, Sarah, Esther, Eric and Marcus. Oh and Chris and the other Stephen.
  6. Can’t get over my 3rd place finish in the 2003 Saint Ambrose National Geography Bee. HOW DID I NOT KNOW MOROCCO’S ATLAS MOUNTAINS WERE NAMED AFTER THE GREEK TITAN ATLAS WHO HELD THE WORLD ON HIS SHOULDERS?!
  7. I miss Blockbuster Video—I can’t carve "Down With The Government" into Netflix instant movies.
  8. The recent Greek election. Syriza beat out To Potami by 132 parliamentary seats. Oh goodness why am I reading The Huffington Post while petting my gerbil at 11:30pm on Valentine’s Day?
  9. Tuesday, my sixth favorite hermit crab, just passed.
  10. As a stand-up comedian I am legally required to drink six nights a week.
  11. The bartender on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights is my best friend. So it would be irresponsible to waste an opportunity for 33% off drinks, RIGHT?!
  12. Mom never texted me back about paying for another year of graduate school.
  13. Hollywood’s lack of original ideas. A third Incredible Hulk re-boot in 2016!?!?!
  14. Selena Gomez’s "Love You Like a Love Song" is nine minutes too short.
  15. Every music concert needs a drunk heckler. Tonight I am that heckler. I’m going to make "Free Bird" sound brand new.
  16. Fallout Boy is making a comeback.
  17. David Duchovny never answered my fan mail.
  18. Grandpa did not bequeath me his MAD Magazine collection. Oh and I miss him too.
  19. The Bible only makes sense after six gin and tonics and three Kamizakes.
  20. Even eight years later the end of To Kill a Mockingbird still bums me out.
  21. Binge drinking impresses Karen. "Where is she? I hope she didn’t leave the party. Hi, are you Karen? Oh, you’re Christine. That’s basically Karen… Want to heavy pet later? Who’s the guy you’re kissing right now? Please don’t hurt me, sir."
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