1. Wildlife preserve for thousands of dislocated pine beetles and sand crabs.

2. Aesthetically unattractive yet functional paperweight.

3. Mother of all chia pets.

Donald Trump's hair looks like a corn stalk

4. Stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens.

5. Role model for laboratory rats who want to move up the corporate ladder.

6. Makeshift, thatch-based dwelling for indigenous tribes in Uruguay.

7. Surrogate sex partner for ferrets.

8. Coolant for super-powerful, all-knowing Trump brain to prevent possible explosion/meltdown.

9. As part of D.A.R.E. program for Brillo pads, serves as horrible warning to teen Brillo pads of dangers of crystal meth.

10. Surrogate sex partner for shag carpets.

11. Delicious kelp and seaweed holiday salad.

12. Setting for prize-winning performance art piece at Museum of Modern Art. (Not to discount the contributions of atonal bagpipers and muu-muu-clad interpretive dancers.)

13. Surrogate sex partner for deviant alpacas.

14. Tiny scale model of Amazonian rain forest, illustrating catastrophic results of the greenhouse effect.

15. Tiny scale model of Siberian tundra, illustrating catastrophic results of scorched earth policy in Napoleonic invasion of Russia.

16. Tiny scale model of Dennis Rodman’s face, illustrating catastrophic results of Dennis Rodman’s face.

17. Catalyst for fermentation of hops, produces highest quality lagers and ales available anywhere in North America.

18. Visual aid in barber college graduate-level course in applied chaos theory.   

19. Fodder for lame-ass comedy list.

20. Surrogate sex partner for Ivana Trump.

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