1. A 650-page "do-it-yourself" book titled:
"HOW TO RE-ATTACH THE ERASER TO YOUR PENCIL IF IT FALLS OFF"
2. A self-help book titled:
"YOU’RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW…BUT IT’S PROBABLY SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT"
3. A motivational book for recent college graduates about to enter the workforce titled:
"SO, YOU’VE EARNED YOUR COLLEGE DEGREE…CONGRATULATIONS! NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR…AND HERE ARE THE REASONS WHY"
4. A motivational book for burned-out Education majors who have experienced the horror of student teaching, figured out what teachers actually get paid, and are about to graduate, titled:
"NO! YOU’RE NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY BACK!!!"
A college-level marketing textbook titled: "THIS IS WHY YOUR ASSHOLE HURTS SO MUCH"
5. A book for passionate young newlyweds about to indulge in marital bliss on their honeymoon night titled:
"NO, I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO FARTED"
6. A book full of blank, empty pages for lonely, insecure young men titled:
"THE BENEFITS OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP"
7. A book full of blank, empty pages for newlywed young women titled:
"EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE DEPTH AND COMPLEXITY OF THIS MALE CREATURE WHO HAS JUST PUT A RING ON YOUR FINGER"
8. A book full of blank, empty pages titled:
"THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF THE HUMAN RACE"
9. A book for extremely sexually active high school and college students titled:
"CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SEXUALLY HYPERACTIVE SOUL WHO HAS A BURNING INFESTATION OF BOILING SHIT GROWING OUT OF HIS CROTCH…WHICH SOMETIMES LOOKS LIKE CAULIFLOWER WHEN THE LIGHTING IN THE ROOM IS JUST RIGHT"
10. A medical book for middle-aged men titled:
"THE 10 BEST WAYS TO AVOID VIOLENT, UNCONTROLLABLE, SPRAYING, CABBAGE-INDUCED ANAL LEAKAGE DURING AN INSURANCE SEMINAR"
11. A book written by your local high school guidance counselor titled:
"HOW PEN CAPS ARE MADE AND WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR YOUR FUTURE"
12. An advanced, college-level history textbook titled:
"THIS…MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED…BUT WE’RE NOT REALLY SURE…BECAUSE WE WEREN’T THERE"
13. A college-level calculus textbook (with a picture of me on the front cover with a dumb, constipated look on my face) titled:
"I DON’T KNOW, YOU FIGURE IT OUT"
14. A college-level political science textbook titled:
"WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW"
15. A college-level marketing textbook titled:
"THIS IS WHY YOUR ASSHOLE HURTS SO MUCH"
16. A highly advanced, well-written, 500-level philosophy textbook titled:
"IF YOU REALLY MAJOR IN THIS, YOU MAY BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET HIRED BY YOUR LOCAL GAS STATION…TO CLEAN TOILETS"
17. A book for people terrified of flying, but who must work up the bravery to take their first plane ride titled:
"WHEN THE PLANE BEGINS SHAKING, THE PILOT WILL GIVE YOU THE COMFORTING WORDS THAT EVERYTHING IS OK AND THAT THEY ARE JUST EXPERIENCING A BIT OF TURBULENCE…BUT HE’S LYING TO YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THE PLANE IS GOING TO FUCKING CRASH ANYWAY AND HE’S JUST TRYING TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM PANICKING AS YOU ALL HEAD DIRECTLY INTO AN INEVITABLY PAINFUL WATERY DOOM AT A REALLY FAST AND TERRIFYING SPEED"
18. A book written by me apologizing for number 17. That was a horrible joke, and I’m sure it offended lots of people.
19. Another book written by me apologizing for the apology I made in number 18 after realizing that the joke was actually pretty funny, but not before contradicting myself, going cross-eyed, and experiencing lots of shame and self-doubt.
20. A "self-guide to retirement book" for baby boomers titled:
"SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO NOW…
…NOW THAT YOU’VE BEEN HANDED EVERYTHING
…NOW THAT YOU’VE PREACHED ABOUT ROCK ‘N’ ROLL AND FREE LOVE WHILE COMSUMING, SMOKING, SHOOTING, SNORTING, AND RECTALLY ABSORBING ALL THE DRUGS YOU COULD GET YOUR HANDS ON
…NOW THAT YOU’VE TREATED ALL THE VIETNAM VETERANS LIKE SHIT
…NOW THAT YOU’VE ABANDONED FREE LOVE, SOBERED UP FROM ALL THE DRUGS, AND HAVE TOLD YOUR CHILDREN THAT ‘SHIT HAPPENS’ AND THEY HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD TO GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE
…NOW THAT YOU’VE MONOPOLIZED ALL THE CORPORATIONS AND BUSINESSES THAT ARE FINANCIALLY STRANGLING THE REST OF THE AMERICAN POPULATION WHILE SUCKING UP OUR SOCIAL SECURITY AND RETIREMENT BENEFITS
…NOW THAT ALL YOUR BRAINLESS ADS AND MARKETING CAMPIAGNS HAVE CONVINCED MEN THAT THEY NEED TO TAKE SPECIAL PILLS TO MAKE THEIR HAIR GROW BACK AND THEIR PENISES BIGGER IN ORDER TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE
…NOW THAT YOU’VE CREATED KINDERGARTEN ENTRANCE EXAMS
…NOW THAT YOU’VE SUCCESSFULLY TRAINED THE NEXT GENERATION OF BUSINESS MEN AND CORPORATE LEADERS TO CARRY ON YOUR LEGACY OF GREED, STUPIDITY, AND DOOM
…AND NOW THAT YOU’RE RECENTLY RETIRED AND JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN (AFTER CREATING A LIFETIME OF DESTRUCTION)…AS YOU SIT ON YOUR BIG, FAT, STUPID, SELF-RIGHTEOUS ASS EATING BUCKETS OF ICE CREAM AND FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?…WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA…GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!"
That was kind of a long title wasn’t it?