Ever since his second neck surgery—and his prolific numbers following—I’ve always been suspicious that Peyton Manning had become a government experiment in robotics.

  1. On the field, he looks like a stoic field general. Meanwhile, out East, his brother Eli looks like an inebriated Muppet.
  2. He has limited mobility because his feet are actually plastic caster wheels.
  3. He combines limited arm strength with unlimited infrared capability to target his receivers. He then mentally computes their future positions based on a derivative of their velocity and fires a pass according to the highest probability of success. Textbook cyborg.
  4. Peyton Manning putting his foot in a pool with helmet on
    Peyton, NOOOOO!! You’ll short circuit!!

  5. He has fused vertebrae.
  6. He and Tony Dungy have a long-standing pact and secret coup for world domination. Tony Dungy wants to take over the world for religious purposes; Peyton Manning wants to take over the world for world domination purposes.
  7. He’s way too cerebral and calculated to be just a "normal guy."
  8. He has an "o," "g," and "y" in his name. You know what else does? CYBORG.
  9. He decided to play on a team that plays at high altitude, thus reducing the wear and tear on his pressurized exoskeleton.
  10. Peyton Manning advertises for DirecTV because he too is controlled by a satellite dish.
  11. "Omaha" is actually the government codename given the CPU which governs him. He howls it whenever encountering a stack overflow at line zero.
  12. He doesn’t buy his own groceries because the wavelength of UPC scanners liquefy his stool.
  13. When he’s in the pocket, time slows down. This is because of the state of the art potentiometer affixed to his servo motor.
  14. His memory was once thought to be photographic, when in fact it’s purely read only.
  15. He has significantly less muscle mass than your average NFL QB, thus allowing his titanium core to maintain its integrity when exposed to extreme temperatures.
  16. He doesn’t "study" playbooks, he uploads them.
  17. He has no sense of smell.
  18. The lemon-lime sports drink he consumes on the sidelines is actually low-viscosity engine coolant.
  19. The reason he lost last year’s Super Bowl is because Pete Carroll sent him game film loaded with malware. And a hooker.
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