1. Eleven posts on Quora to that effect.

2. Walmart security informs me they'll need to perform a retinal scan to ensure I have clearance to complete my avocado and sprout salad purchase, but fails to mention the 7-hour "good Walmart cop, bad Walmart cop" interrogation and cavity search.

3. The produce is unusually fresh.

Walmart cloudy sign

4. Walmart security routinely patrols the electronics aisles with M-1 tanks.

5. Walmart sign is changed to "You are my subservient bitch. Always."

6. Self-serve payment kiosks now display the following payment options: Cash, Credit, Debit, Gift Card, Your Eternal Soul.

7. My car, along with all others in the parking lot, is evacuated to a Walmart scrap metal facility by Comanche military helicopters with grappling hooks where it is melted down to build more Comanche helicopters for Walmart fleet.

8. The coffee is unusually fresh.

9. Walmart deli features sliced human flesh of "those who dare disobey us" for $4.49/lb.

10. Convenient walk-up, in-store banks now operated by Federal Reserve.

11. You are instructed to "bend over" during your Walmart optical exam.

12. The customary dark blue Walmart employee attire has changed to desert terrain camouflage colors.

13. Employees have an unsettling, other-worldly look about them, almost as though they are brainless cyborgs being controlled by a Cray supercomputer in an underground command center near Walmart corporate headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas. I can't quite put my finger on it.

14. While listening to canned music on the PA system, I am strangely compelled to post, "I love Walmart" on social media.

15. When I smile and greet the checkout clerk, she fixes me with a steely look and says, "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." 

16. The pale ghost of Sam Walton is standing outside talking with smoking employees, girded by Satan on his left and laughing maniacally.

17. Bakery items are unusually fresh.


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