The Dallas Cowboys have become accustomed to their perennial sole function as the butt of jokes such as “What do the Cowboys have in common with January? They’re both 1-2016 [or insert any year since 12 BC, the occasion of their last winning season].”

And this is fine. We all have our reason for existing. Mine is to provide carbon dioxide for plant life. It’s just how it is.

But something extremely odd and unsettling happened this year. Something that could undermine the very fabric of the space-time continuum. We all know what, but the question is “HOW??”

I’m not one to jump to hasty conclusions, but upon watching a Hollywood Insider report that showed Jerry Jones and Satan emerging from a TGI Fridays power lunch, I’ve begun to wonder if these indicators could add up to something…

1. Star on the Cowboys logo in the end zone is actually an inverted pentagram.

2. The “Gatorade” coolers players douse coaches with in celebration are actually filled with human blood.

3. Credit card records reveal questionable Jones purchase of four custom wheel covers from “Prince of Darkness Tint and Tunes” for $10 billion.

4. The AT&T Stadium has been renamed “Pandaemonium.”

5. The Astroturf inexplicably opens up, forming a 10-yard-wide sinkhole which devours entire Detroit Lions offensive line on 4th and goal.

6. “Jerry Jones and Satan are now friends on Facebook.”

7. The new Charlie Daniels song “Devil Went Down to Texas” hits #7 on CMT charts.

8. The Texas Bar Association registry lists Jones as a recently-joined member, although ironically not a lawyer.

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9. In the Cowboys’ exhibition scrimmage with the New Orleans Saints, Jesus Christ appears on clouds with great glory and pagan nations are destroyed.

10. This is actually a slightly further extrapolation, but has anyone noticed that Satan and Jerry Jones are never in the same room together?

11. Official sandwich spread of Dallas Cowboys: Underwood Deviled Ham.

12. Hollywood Insider reports that the ghost of Gregory Peck has been tapped to play Jones in upcoming film “The Omen V: Post-Apocalyptic Memoir.”

13. Jones’ AT&T Stadium (now Pandaemonium) parking validation receipts are always signed in his own blood.

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